Elpha's new adventure

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Elphanigh]

I am trying to decide what tomorrow's session will hold for me. There has been a lot that has happened since Tuesday. That horrific nightmare, and then two nights of odd dreams. They haven't been scary by my standards but they have been packed full of things to consider. There has been the anger that surfaced, the realization that I deserve to be angry for all the things that happened. Being able to say that none of it was right, but also this tug of uncertainty regarding certain memories.

There are a few old memories that I feel this tug towards, logically knowing they aren't my fault but there is a piece of me that feels unable to let go of that. Definitely worth exploring those. I know they are painful ones though. Things I couldn't explain when I started this process with my T, and honestly I am not sure I have the ability to stay in my window of tolerance with them. But won't know unless I try, I guess.

The anger though has been a big one to sit with as well. It is also a great deal to process and something that I risk going outside the window too because in the sense it sits in right now it sees the abuse in as much of a whole as I can. Sitting with the whole picture of what I went through. As anyone who has read my posts on here knows, I have been through a great deal. It is hard to hold onto at once.

Then there is music, having it back is good but a process. It brings back some what ifs though. I want it to answer some questions for me but that puts some pressure on it to help me know what it is I want. These are some large powerful questions.

My family brings back some things too. My S has had to move back in with my parents for a while, her bf decided he didn't want the stress of the baby they were having together... he has been supportive for about six months and has suddenly backed out of their relationship. Wants the kid but not the pressure of being with her. Either way my niece is going to grow up in my parents house for a time, hopefully not long but long enough. I know my M has gotten better but it is hard to fathom as all I want is to save my niece so she has a life that was different than mine. I want her to never know abuse the ways I have... kind of like my kitten who has never known a moment of abuse or true hate. She is so curious, trusting, and loving. It is a different sort of life, and I wish it for everyone I can.

I have spent so much time trying to end the cycle, as has my S. I want that to come to fruition for that little girl.

I do also want to get better with food. I have been better but I know in me watching my diet right now I run the risk of old habits. I want to ensure some safety for myself in this

[sanmagic7]

so many areas to explore for you, el.  biggies, too.  wow.  i'm glad you're being cautious about your window of tolerance.  that stuff can become overwhelming pretty quickly if we're not careful.

i had a similar thing happen to me with my first hub - i was 7 1/2 mo. pregnant when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  i ended up having to move back across the country and live with my mom and her hub for a bit before i could get my own place.  it was a tough time all the way around.  i'm sorry your sis is having to go thru it.  sucks.

if she's also aware and in the midst of breaking the cycle, i don't doubt she'll shield your niece as best she can till she can get out, too.   i have faith.

in the meantime, hang onto you.  you're most important right now.  sending a loving hug filled with compartments for all you're contemplating.  take care of you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for hold such a space for me, and reminding me I am most important right now. My sister will do what she needs to, and my FOO is much healthier now than they ever were when I was there. She will be okay.

I don't have therapy today after all. I am saddened by that only because I wanted to start tackling some more, but recognize the break is probably also good considering all that the end of this week holds. It also gives me time to rest and get some things done today. The weather is dangerous today, so getting out in the ice was too much for most everyone. My T has decided to not work in the ice as a precaution which is totally okay. I just can't meet with her this week because my schedule is completely jam packed.

All of it is biggies. I mean there is always smaller stuff but it is the big ones that have started occupying my mind more. Thankfully my T has taught me to be cautious of my window of tolerance, and she is great about being able to sense where I am in it. Sometimes I try to take off more than I can actually chew. She is good about sensing it. Has come with time, as she has learned how I react to various things.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a great t, el, in that she is sensitive to your needs and watching out for you.  i love that.  you deserve it.  big hug, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I think she is a wonderful T and just who I need right now. I got truly lucky to find her. I love that she cares so much too, it helps immensely. Big hug back 

[Sceal]

I second that it's wonderful your T is sensitive to your needs. I also love that she's taught you about the window of tolerance, and that you're also more aware of it.
It's brilliant progress to know that sometimes you do chew off more than you can bite.

I'm sorry that the T couldn't see you today, but like you write. I hope you took a break and did some self-care instead.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Sceal. It has been a long journey but the progress is finally visible in this area. I appreciate you validating that. I did take some time for really nice self care today. I could have used some processing time with her but not seeing her doesn't derail me this week.

[Elphanigh]

Going to whine here a bit. Just feeling like i wish recovery wasn't so darn hard... that it didn't take away energy I so desperately need in other places..

Working these hours, and keeping up would be so much easier if I wasn't constantly fighting to heal and be better. Now that I hsve opened up the road and done so much work I can't just go back and decide not to anymore.... it doesn't work like that. So I find that I feel like this exhuasted shell of myself anytime I try to work more than 10 hours, or lack a little bit of sleep... and truly exhaustion can happen even from just doibg small things sometimes.

It is utterly frustrating to be 23 and exhausted more than half the time.  To feel like I should be able to keep up, but can't because someone else decided to cause me such pain when I was younger... because this #%$& brain injury of sorts. It is unfair, and I just can't stand it right now. 

[Sceal]

It is downright awful and annoying as *0"¤% to be exhausted so much, and it doesn't help when you look at otherwise healthy people and all they are able to do. It just suck!
It's good that you are able to recognize that it comes from all the hard work that you're putting in to improve your quality of life. The work that you're doing is invaluable, and I hope that you soon will feel a little lighter. That it wont drain your energy as much as it does now.

I'd like to give you a hug, if that's okay? Or maybe a cup of tea, if you prefer that

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for validating this, Sceal  I would love that hug

[sanmagic7]

i'd like to jump on that validation wagon, el.  what you're doing is enormous amounts of hard work, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  it's really no wonder you're exhausted.  the load you're carrying around would certainly do that.  and definitely, it sucks.

whine, vent, rant away, sweetie.  we're just glad you can get it out.  i hope it helps lighten the load.  rest when you can.  it's not fair and you didn't deserve this, that's for sure.  sending a warm loving hug filled with a crane to help lighten your load.  it will carry some of it for a bit so you can get a little peace.

[Elphanigh]

My dear,  thank you so much  It is utterly exhausting to be working so much, carrying my cptsd demons, recovering, helping my S, and starting back up all that I am. (Oh, and moderating)  I think even without recovery it would be exhausting but that adds a giant layer. Thank you for validating how much I am carrying. It helps to feel heard, and to not have to feel guilty for whining and venting.  It is so very much, writing it down helps to release it some.

As I sit here eating lunch, on my very short break,  the visual of you holding somw of this for just a second helps me breathe a little deeper.

Thank you for all that you do. I think of you alot, both as  just the sense of comfort you bring, and as someone I have trult come to care for. Giving a hug full of warmth and love right back 

[Hope67]

It is utterly exhausting to be working so much, carrying my cptsd demons, recovering, helping my S, and starting back up all that I am. (Oh, and moderating)  I think even without recovery it would be exhausting but that adds a giant layer.

I think you are strong to carry so much, and I would like to send you a warm    I hope you get some rest and sleep well - so that the exhaustion will not be so draining and I wish you the best.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Hope  I finally got to release some of the underlying emotions last night, so I slept about ten and a half hours. Feel kind of like a brand new person this morning because of it.