Elpha's new adventure

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #480 on: July 30, 2018, 05:27:20 AM »
Thank you, Sceal! I am hopeful it will go well
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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Hope67

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #481 on: July 31, 2018, 02:04:53 AM »
Hi Elpha,
Congratulations on your new job, and I hope it will go well for you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #482 on: August 07, 2018, 01:57:47 PM »
I haven't updated in a long time, or so it feels like it. I haven't felt the need to post as much this week. I reallt found a peaceful feeling after therapy this week. I processed two of my most terrifying memories in one session. It was a huge deal as I chose to go there head on. I didn't dissociate or panic, instead I could process and then loosely describe them.

It is odd to be able to look at them both without panicking, and honestly having a feel of hope too. I get that because in session I had the positive beliefs that "It is over, We are safe, We survived" which are all true for once in my life. Me and my S have full happy lives at this point. We are growing and developing more than ever and we are both truly safe right now. So I have hope for the future and recognition for how far I have come in the last year and a half.
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #483 on: August 12, 2018, 06:12:19 AM »
Having a hard time because of my kitten the last few days. I had to take her to the vet to get fixed as she is about that age. I was dreading it but know it is important. Just hate to see her hurt and know I had something to do with it.


My subconcious mind has come up with a string of nightmares surrounding Yuna, and it just leaves me uncentered. I know she is okay and that I am taking probably too good of care of her. But it just keeps getting worse and worse. The images are harder to look at and more anerve wracking to experience even in a dream.

It has set my whole system off. Hopefully my T will have some insight tomorrow but I needed to write somewhere. As it feels kind of like an ef, and I am just not sure where it is coming from
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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sanmagic7

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #484 on: August 12, 2018, 10:42:06 AM »
dearest el,

first, what wonderful news about your session, processing, and being able to get to another level with everything.  that's made my day.  i'm so glad for you.

second,i wonder if what's going on with your kitten has anything to do with that processing.  you mentioned 'we are safe', referred to your sis as having a good life now, and how great you feel about all that.   i do remember how often you talked about failing to keep your sis from being hurt when you were both young.

then, you mentioned that you hated your kitten to be hurt when you had something to do with it.  to me, it echos the times you said the nearly exact words about your sister.  your subconscious may be incorporating the hurt the your kitten is going thru with the hurt your sister went thru, and your involvement with both.

i've had several cats 'fixed', and they may have been uncomfy for awhile, but i never saw them in any real pain.  i do believe it's a good thing to do also.  it saves a lot of neg. stuff from happening going forward, both for the animal and for you.

anyway, i hope your nightmares end soon - those are never any fun.  i'm really so glad you're feeling better on the whole, tho.  that's the best news ever.  love always, ems and i are forever with you.   :bighug:  come here you beautiful shining you!   :bighug:
learn something from everything.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #485 on: August 12, 2018, 11:40:23 AM »
San,

I had kind of come to the same conclusion about it as I have been thinking and recognizing feelings. I think I am starting to recognize my own helpless ness in these situations, like I was around and have previously blamed myself for them. But at least with my sister I realize how little control I actually had. I was being victimized in those situations as well, just in a different sense.

Seeing yuna uncomfortable and just not herself is hard. It is true she doesn't look to be in any real pain. It is better for her and me in the long run. You're correct.


My brain is just drawing the emotional connections in ways I wish it wouldn't. It is a similar set of stressors on a much different scale that are causing nightmares like ones I used to have about my sis, only now occuring around my cat. Similar coloring and lighting to those old dreams, and same hurt eyes with cries of pain.

Lots to bring to my T tomorrow it seems.

For now my older cat decided to scratch my roomates cat across the face and draw blood. They are a different form of unhappy. I came home to this after yoga in the park (probably the first real breath I have had since Tuesday, which was then immediately ruined.

I can't do anything for any of them until i have my sense of calm again. Time for the porch. Think I will curl up in earth mother spirit's arms and rest. Let her take the stress and fear away for a bit
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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sanmagic7

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #486 on: August 12, 2018, 12:12:22 PM »
good idea.  hopefully, these realizations will process quickly for you and finally be gone. 

it's so good to hear that you've been able to come away from that 'taking the blame' thing that has hung around your neck for so long.  i love it when therapy works the way it's supposed to.  well done, sweetie, on diving in and tackling those memories.  very courageous.  you are a shining light, and continue to get brighter.  ems is with you, and so am i.  i'll sit with you on the porch, just to be together.  love you, my darlilng el.
learn something from everything.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #487 on: August 12, 2018, 12:56:11 PM »
I hope they do. I have been kind of confronting the helplessness feelings, and lack of control for two or three sessions now, it is just more head on here I think. I am in for some difficult processing but I am glad it is happening. Not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder is a great feeling, but comes with needing to recognize how little control I have in a lot of ways which is a challenge in itself.

Thank you for sitting with me, being together is calming and reassuring on this journey. It feels like it has been a really long few days  :hug:
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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Deep Blue

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #488 on: August 12, 2018, 06:40:53 PM »
 :bighug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #489 on: August 12, 2018, 07:42:45 PM »
 :hug: :bighug:

Thank you. I am feeling much more controlled, just exhausted. Having recognized the ef, I could work to come down from it
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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sanmagic7

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #490 on: August 13, 2018, 06:56:26 AM »
very glad for you, el.  exhausted - yeah, you have a right to be that.  you've been working so very hard on a lot of levels lately.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love you muchly, always by your side.  hughughug
learn something from everything.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #491 on: August 13, 2018, 09:46:57 AM »
San, can I just stay in those hugs this morning? I feel like curling up and hiding away today, but have to be present at my rather demanding office this morning. I needed a calm day and this happens to be the most stressful busy day I have seen in my few weeks here. *sigh* just trying to stay afloat  :fallingbricks:
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #492 on: August 14, 2018, 08:18:46 AM »
Today I am so much stronger and much more myself  :cheer:

I hate needing help sometimes, but I am continually grateful to have the support of many including my T. I got lucky to find exactly the one I needed for this part of my journey. She and I did a lot of body/boundary exercises to help get me unfrozen. It left me energized and focused. She is always so enthusiatic and comfortable doing them with me because I am often too shy to do them alone. Ended up even doing on where she held a giant pillow and I practiced pushing her away. Was good for adult me and my inner childern to do so much physical boundary building. A lot of new ways to get unstuck and practice all the skills I am learning.

She also validated my progress by inviting me to stary with her experiential group in September. I am excited and nervous to try this. We talked about it about a year ago and said when I was ready it would be something good for me, and we both have faith that I am at a place where I can handle it and heal from it. That shows such faith in my progress from her and me, even on my worst day.  She is also such a kind person because she told me that until I am on my feet she doesn't want me to pay for group, that she thinks it would be good for me and that is what is important to her. Not the finances. That when I am on my feet we can talk about it but at least the first three month session to not pay her, she just wants me to have the added healing.

I am not sure which univerae she is from but I am glad she is. I found a human that is kind and only cares for my well being, not for what I can do for her.
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"

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Deep Blue

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #493 on: August 14, 2018, 06:12:37 PM »
So much love to you sweetie
Iím glad you have someone who is there for you in that way  :hug:
For those who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand,
no explanation is possible.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Reply #494 on: August 14, 2018, 06:24:46 PM »
Thank you my dear  :hug: I really appreciate it
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"