Considering/feeling responsible for everyone's feelings when you are being hurt

[radical]

Reading another person's post this morning gave me food for thought.

An unhealthy effect of CPTSD for me has been taking on everyone else's feelings (from my own perspective) and feeling responsible for others' feelings when I'm being badly hurt.  I realise how unhealthy this is, and how it has been hard for me to see because it has felt like the right thing to do, even though it has caused confusion and indecision.

As an example, when I was being bullied, and as a result was becoming progressively more ostracised by people in a community project, I felt torn up about the possibility that if I was believed about being bullied, it would cause enormous pain to, and financial loss to all the members of the group.  No-one was lifting a finger to help me, even a couple of people who I had great respect for, and who weren't involved didn't want to hear, when I tried tentatively, and carefully to do no harm, to speak about it, and yet I had this crazy loyalty in a situation in which there was no loyalty or kindness directed towards me, no attempt to draw out what was going on.

I effectively made it easy to discredit me because of a misguided feeling of concern and responsibility for others, including people who had been friends and were badly hurting and betraying me.  This strikes me as a classic scapegoat behaviour.  I was trained to put everyone else's feelings ahead of my own, even where doing so would beggar belief in onlookers.  This is not virtue, it is dysfunction.

I recognise a lot of factors causing this, but the one that may not seem to be related, but which I feel is central for me, is not feeling deeply rooted in my own body - a kind of depersonalisation.

I said to my former therapist that I had realised that when I'm with other people in just everyday situations, that I felt they were present, but that I was not able to properly feel myself being there.  (It was the beginning of the end of the relationship.  She didn't see it as having any importance or relevance, and actively discouraged me from talking about it). 

Having since then experienced being solidly grounded in my body and experience (I wish I felt this way all the time), I feel this problem to have been foundational to my CPTSD.  When I'm firmly grounded, I don't become oblivious to other  people's feelings, the difference is that I'm not just weakly aware of my own interests and responsibility to myself.  I'm solid rather than sketchy to myself, and it makes all the difference in every context.  I don't feel confused all the time and have trouble knowing what to do.  I don't feel scattered and torn.

This isn't some kind of personal perfection, but it is very different in experience.  It's so much easier to feel that I matter, when I feel my own physical reality and experience in relation to others and also to myself.

I don't know if others here know what i mean by this.

[woodsgnome]

I'd never reached the 'feel-okay-about-myself-stage', either; at least until recently. I tended to take on lots of what wasn't my fault, as if it were my automatic fallback position. And even if I'm clearly not responsible for someone else's pain, I take it on readily (in addition to empathy) as if it was my destiny to do so. And yes, it's a result of scapegoating in my youth from "caregivers".

So I started gravitating towards situations where I could exert a modicum of control. Fortunately, I had talent to handle this well in certain instances. I wasn't being shady, but definitely full-scale avoidant. Hence--I'd look for the exits and was frustrated that I couldn't find or trust myself--my people phobias beat me to the punch every time. If any blame was to be had, I was ready to claim it and just get out and be at peace with myself. Explaining myself was just too draining even when it was clear my actions weren't the crux of the problem.

Turning the corner on this attitude has been rough, but I have to credit something you suggested once, Radical. You wrote about forming and listening to an inside 'higher' voice, almost like some neutral observer who didn't play the familiar games of the inner critic  but talked honestly, from the perspective of some non-judgemental part of one's being. A voice that remained hidden until one allows it to chime in. I've tried this and it's made a world of difference.

As you suggest, it's worth grounding oneself better to keep from letting the old habits rise to the fore. I know it's a difficult step that I hope I can find the courage to take as well. 

Thanks, Radical.

[Blueberry]

Sounds very familiar, radical.

[Dee]

I had to read your post several times.  Yes, we have been groomed to put other's needs first.  Also, when a person is blamed they start to believe they are responsible for other people's feelings and sometimes their actions as well.  I think I can most closely relate with my stalker situation.  I felt bad that he is spending so much money in lawyer fees knowing the lawyer isn't going to get him off and he will still have fines and now lawyer fees to pay.  I called my therapist and told her I don't want to be a bad person, that I felt like a bad person.

I can also relate to dissociation.  Everything is easier to see when you feel present and aware.

[radical]

Dee,
It helps me to hear what you have said about feeling bad about what your stalker was having to pay in legal fees.  It is a perfect example of what i was trying to describe.

Dee, Woodsgnome, and Blueberry: We can get over this.  Being scapegoated by our families has had devastating effects, but we have each other now, and we have knowledge.  We can rebuild.

edited due to goofing up

[Dee]

 

[ah]

edited due to goofing up

Heeh...  that got me giggling, and I haven't found anything funny in a very long time. Thanks for that.

I think it makes perfect sense that you feel this way. I know I can definitely relate.
I'm scared of others' displeasure, my guess is it's because in my FOO it was always a precursor to violence, so I never really learned to build much tolerance to it, I guess. Or to set boundaries, because just the look of displeasure in my own eyes could bring on hours of abuse, so I learned to be cautious and considerate as a result. But when we shut our emotions down to that extent, I guess we pay a price. I had to not be grounded to be able to pull it off, otherwise my own emotions would show and I'd pay for it.

I became very sketchy to myself too. I have some funny memories of myself in FOO being in a room without hearing a word / feeling my body or remembering what was happening, I was forgetting what was happening as it was happening. Very sketchy self on survival mode... I was definitely not in the room. My way to survive was maybe to do my best not to displease my FOO even further... and it stuck as a habit.

I have no wise idea how to change it, but I think I know what you mean.

I do think though that editing things due to goofing up, writing something that funny and poignant, that's so different. It's so much more grounded and self aware and awake. 

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, I can relate.

Sometimes I notice people I care about or even people I don't know well being in a bad mood, and even without any evidence for it at all, I assume it was my fault. Being the scapegoat really hurts much of us. My misbehavior was treated with constant punishment and yelling — rather than calmly listening to why I was so distressed in the first place.

My emotions used to be numbed, but as I gain most of them back, I notice that I'm a lot more naturally sensitive emotionally to myself and others. That my natural tendencies are to feel things deeply — and before the worst of my trauma, I was already like this.

I only wish the sensitive in society could be treated a lot more gently. They need it, after all.