Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[DecimalRocket]

Glad to hear that you managed to take care of yourself too.

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR 

________________________________________

Today I tried out that little job and although I feel really tired now, I felt while doing it that I was doing well. So that was a pleasant surprise! ICr was silent.    I'll write more over on Employment.

I was surprised too that it didn't take me as long to get there as I'd imagined and even less to come home. Home - just 1 hour and 10 minutes. I'd imagined at least 1 hr and 30, and I thought it might take me almost 2 hours on the way. This is significant because I'm gettign there under my own steam - by bike and there are lots of hills up and down and up! Bus connections are very bad out there.

[Sceal]

I'm glad to hear you're doing it at your own pace, and that you are able to congratulate yourself with this.
Biking up hill is very hard! I too live in a very mountainous area, I am not able to bike, but walking them is tiresome. So colour me impressed!

[Blueberry]

Quote from further up this thread
« Reply #35 on: February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM »
1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
Constructive step: Order all three.

2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
Constructive steps: Don't plan holiday as such. Register for min. one healing retreat or several art therapy days before May. Preferably by March in fact, maybe even Feb.

Start with 2)    Next week I'm going on a 3 day healing retreat, so I made it by beginning of May - close enough. I registered quite a while back. I haven't planned any holidays, days off, yes. I'm thinking about one in August too. So it's good to note again that I wrote this was constructive and beneficial.

1) I ordered all 3 in Feb. "The Tao of.." can't be ordered from here for some reason and "From surviving to Thriving" will take up to 6 months to deliver. Why?  I know I can read it online but I prefer a book in my hands and I don't like that dark blue in the online version! Puts me off reading. But yesterday I was able to collect the Borderline Mother book. Oh, man, is it ever on target!! I may start a separate discussion thread on it, just not rn.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
It's great that you've found the Borderline Mother book to be useful so far.  I've not read that one.  Wonder why the other books are taking so long to be delivered - that is a long time! 
to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I came back home this afternoon from visiting friends for a long weekend. There are children in the family including my godson. I actually felt quite energetic there by today and still felt energetic on the way home but now I notice how exhausted I am as well and I think because there's also this feeling as if I'm going to go crazy or blow a fuse quite soon that a few Inner Children have been neglected. That's what happens when I'm with real children. I have to be the adult, be in charge, and also allow real live children to be children, to act like them. Full of beans and leaping around and expecting me to be as quick and capable as their own parents, and I'm not.

I don't want to be like my parents and I'm not actually. But when dealing with children some of what I grew up with comes out a bit. Sometimes I'm more authoritative in situations where it's unexpected for the child. Basically due to my own stress. "No, we agreed that we are stopping NOW and going home." Whereas actually the youngest child hadn't agreed on anything. So I notice me repeating this behaviour: the adult decides and the children have to follow along with it. There is a time and place for that but not all over the place. If you want to bring children up to be less emotionally disturbed than me, you do have to change a lot of thought patterns and the way you deal with children.

My own stress in that situation was realising that my energy was giving out and knowing we still ahd to get home by bike and then prepare supper and do a bunch of other things. Then on the way home by bike, we were made to stop halfway up a hill by the youngest. He wanted to show me something but I didn't even understand what he was trying to tell me.

And as I write this all out my ICr is having a field day as usual: how pathetic and laughable etc etc  but now that I'm attempting to feel and sense what's underneath that, then I can feel a tiny bit of compassion for myself, or at least I did briefly. But mostly it's ICr with the usual "if you weren't so fat, stupid, bad..... then this that and the other wouldn't happen and you wouldn't be such a burden etc".

I'm not looking for any advice on this type of situation, it's just good to be able to write it somewhere and come to my conclusions as I write. At the end of this week I'll be in 2 1/2 days of intensive group therapy and I'm noticing yet again that I really need it! It's high time.

On sunday I came on here a second time to moderate though I thought I wouldn't have the opportunity, so now it would be really good for me to log out and allow the forum to moderate itself for the rest of the day. Just take a break and assume everyting will go fine and if it doesn't, well, not the end of the world.

[Blueberry]

I have taken a little time for myself since last post, doing some household tasks but also swaying to music and even singing with it for a bit. Helps me sort out things. Apparently swaying is calming.

I realised that I've burdened myself with too much again. Something has to give, as in I need to drop some activity. Usually what happens is I do all the things I promised other people and not things for me, including self-care. At the same time, it's often easier for me to do things for other people. Somehow it's easier to motivate myself but that's probably a result of the emotional trauma I went through from early childhood onwards too. As I've mentioned here somewhere before the 'easy' explanation people, esp. 12 Step people in my country, give is: "you're codependent, you're addicted to helping people." I suppose you can could see it that way, but the explanation doesn't help me.

So my eureka moment this evening is: other people more in tune with their own needs would turn down volunteering this evening! They would say "sorry, I'm sick, / too exhausted". And me, even though I have a disability pension alongside some types of low-paid work where I often really struggle (See Employment Board) tend to force myself to go through with what I promised to do.

Same on here too. I'm not stopping being a Mod. This Board is a life-saver for me and I write super-long posts almost daily so I figure I can help in return to make up for those long posts by reading other members' posts  but while writing that I realise my general mind-set is: Excuse me for taking up space, excuse me for living, excuse me for being a burden - let me help me out so that I'm not such a burden.

Volunteering tonight is slightly different - it's helping friends who helped me recently with some technical stuff. I couldn't even think of a company I could pay to help me with it. Otherwise I might have gone that route too. So here I am, on the verge of exhaustion 'paying back' through work. Well, at least this is a realisation. Might be easier to turn down another time. Or even tonight. I'll go and check it out.

NTS for another time: don't go away over the weekend and then expect big things of self the first evening back home. It's too much!

[Blueberry]

Cycling up the road (max. 10 minute ride) showed me that I'm in no position to do any volunteer work tonight. I need to do some self-care. So I said 'hello' and 'no way' and came home again. It was really easy! Nobody gave me any stress or hassle, they said there were enough people anyway, did I want to have a seat and a tea? But I preferred to come home.

to self for self-care. Now I'm listening to some children's music while I write this. Often helpful when ICs are involved.

I'm also re-thinking my plans for tomorrow, just so I'll take it easier in general.

[Sceal]

Your post touched me deeply, Blueberry.
You're touching upon some things that I'm currently working on too - and it's helpful to read your insights and also to know I'm not fully alone in figuring it out.
Especially the part of setting boundaries, knowing when to do self-care and the line of thoughts of "excuse me for taking up space, what can I do to be less of a burden?".
I just wanted to share that, so you know you're not alone in figuring this particular issue too.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like great progress with self-care and self-awareness.  good for you.  keep going - you're doing great.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for sharing that Sceal and for dropping by and seeing my progress, san.

_____________________________

Now I know what I wanted to write earlier today. I was reading that you can send your ICr a letter. I know how that would go: Dear ICr, Blank.

Just like a wall in front of me and me with no idea what to say further, not even feeling anything. This is the way it used to be with Recovery Letters on here to FOO. Not any more. That's progress. And so I also believe sooner or later I'll be able to write letters to ICr and not blank.

[sanmagic7]

i believe it as well, sweetie.  here's to progress!   

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Blueberry]

Based on my reactions today, the healing retreat was beneficial! When I got back yesterday I wasn't feeling that quite yet, but today I started getting on with all sorts of bits and pieces, with a real will rather than reluctantly and giving up and then re-starting and giving up again etc and/or needing a break pretty regularly.

I got on with trying on clothing to see if the pieces still fit. Most on that stack didn't and now I've sorted them into a few separate stacks of give-away. I know, i could try and sell some in 2nd-hand stores but that's pretty tricky here so I'm telling myself it makes much more sense to get them out of my apartment as fast as possible and give away where they're needed instead of trying to earn a few coins. Beneficial/constructive - more space!! I feel like space is a very basic thing I need atm in order to be able to put other plans in motion. Now I can actually sit on 1 out of 3 living-room seats. 

I did some cleaning     I also took 2 items of clothing to the alterations' tailor.

I picked a couple of bag loads of lovely, delicious garden grass and weeds for Little Furry Creatures to be collected by the woman who runs Little Furries Animal Shelter. I then mentioned to her that if she knows of any Little Furries needing a holiday home for a couple of weeks from time to time, I'd be happy to do that. She intimated that she's likely to take me up on the offer and she may even have two Little Furries for me in a week until the end of the month    Win-win. I'd get healthy Little Furries from time to time (no huge effort with medication and no vet bills) to talk to and watch and give garden treats to and then I'd get a break again.

It's really, really nice weather so I made sure I was out in the garden quite a bit too. Hanging out laundry and especially grazing on edible weeds myself and clearing some more space to plant out the stuff I've been growing on the window-ledge for a while. That'll make some more space in my apartment too. 

[Hope67]

Welcome back, Blueberry - I missed you!  It's lovely to read your post here, and especially that you're going to have some little Furries to look after from time to time, that sounds like a 'win-win' for sure.  Glad also that you are making progress with your sorting out of stuff.   
Hope