Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

Started by Blueberry, January 09, 2018, 12:47:46 PM

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Blueberry

Wow! You too?? I've never met anybody before who admitted to this problem. M probably got it from her F but she continued in the same bent, maybe even worse, tho of course I have no idea how he reacted when she was a child. But M certainly didN't admit to having a problem the way we do.

I'm sorry you have it too though and sorry what Little Libby had to go through.

I kind of avoid now because of my ICr who says things like I ought to be able to do something as simple as change my printer cartridge, I've done it often enough before etc etc (I do manage eventually or I get help) and I feel ashamed. rn I can feel a Little Blueberry.....took a few minutes break to help Little BB, who was idk maybe about 3 or 4 yo and screaming hysterically.
I just held her and told her it was fine to scream. It was all in my head/imagination, me as Adult remained calm, just holding Little BB. I've done a lot of T where you express feelings out loud including screaming and yelling, crying. Latterly that's all been trauma-informed, pair work where somebody might hold me. It is healing but difficult to do on your own obviously. This time I think if I had gone into the scream as an Adult then Little Me would've been lost and I think I might have felt  bowled over by the emotional intensity even as an Adult. So  :thumbup: I followed different impulse. It was over really fast, I'm still holding Little Me in my imagination and she's calm. Needs to stay with me, which is fine.

I'll maybe come back to your post later, Libby. Thanks because without it I wouldn't have just gone through this healing moment with Little Me.  :hug: :hug: :hug: for Little Libby too. Little Me nods about hugs for Little Libby.

sanmagic7

great insight, blueberry, about what your adult you needed to refrain from doing in front of little you.  well done.  love and hugs to both of you.

Blueberry

Somehow seeing this written out by you, san, makes me suddenly deeply understand why it was necessary for Adult me to allow Little BB do the screaming all in my head, none out loud. Thanks for that.

Blueberry

I feel rather listless this evening. There's some work I need to do on the computer before I switch off and go to bed.

I'm going on a day-long outing tomorrow and though part of me is looking forward, part of me would rather hide under the covers for the day.

I found out by chance a few days ago that someone I knew in high school was killed by a wild animal a good number of years ago. It was very unexpected - at that time it was unheard of. Atm that's getting to me a bit. I feel very porous, as if all news of any deaths will flood me. Even seeing a dead bird on the road recently. I feel sorry for the bird in a deep kind of way, even though it's really a stupid bird. A town pigeon, they often chance it on the road and don't fly off immediately the way you'd expect when people drive towards them or even when I cycle, I sometimes have to brake.

Anyway I'm feeling rather porous and have an image of those 'swimming pool walls' in my head again. So no great surprise I'm feeling listless. I'm probably avoiding feeling anything. Not wanting to feel into the horror of the death of this young woman i knew back in high school. Unfortunately it is one of my go-to modes to feel into that kind of thing. When I was doing a form of 'spiritual healing' in addition to therapy but in a group run by my therapist, we worked on feeling into other peoples' souls, even the souls of the deceased. Of course, it's pretty bogus (don't want to offend anybody here, but...) but I believed my T at the time and I had kind of a knack for 'feeling' into the souls of the really distressed. Probably trauma-related, this knack. I avoid this soul work at all costs now. Working on my own is quite enough.

Blueberry

Got kind of a weird email from enF today. It's not about FOO stuff. In part of it it's hard to tell if he's being facetious or what. But then when I looked at it again with a bit more emotional distance and attempting not to second guess anything btl, as my T suggested, it looks less weird. Also I remember, just because enF wants some 'quick' help doesn't mean I need to jump to and do it tonight. Tomorrow will work perfectly well too.

Blueberry

I couldn't sleep and got back up, thinking I'd better put a big TW in my post before last in this Journal. But reading back over, i think it's OK actually.

Anyway, typical. Not being able to go to sleep in the dark. Now that the light's on, I feel sleepier. It might be good to sort out my sleep problems some time by getting into better sleep habits. At least, going to bed by midnight instead of 2 am, because then I'm over some kind of threshhold. Probably a bit late to nip the problem in the bud, but good to deal with it before it gets any worse. I don't mean with meds in my case though I realise they're really helpful for some people on here. 

sanmagic7

that soul work sounds rather disturbing to me, too.  i don't blame you for wanting to stay away from it.  i wouldn't touch it - i personally don't think it's my place to go searching around someone else's soul.  too private and personal.

i've also experienced that deeper connection to death.  it's also disturbing to me.  i don't like feeling that deep.

well done on leaving the second-guessing behind with that email.   a tall order nicely handled to my mind.  especially the part where you don't have to 'jump' to do something for someone else just cuz they're requesting it.  in my foo, requests were equivalent to orders, and those orders were to be carried out immediately.  that's been a hard one to break.

onward, blueberry.    love and hugs, sweetie   and, i thought your post was just fine as well.

Blueberry

Something I realised today: B1 has said before that I'm "quite similar to M" :rolleyes: but one way I'm definitely not is in reacting to deaths. M says things like "this person will be sooo missed because they're so useful to this or that committee, group", that M is on. It doesn't sound as if M is mourning the person, it sounds as if she's missing the work done by that person.  :stars: Possibly in some part of her soul, she does mourn the person but has no words for it?? Maybe that's something she could have learnt by now?? Considering all what she and the rest of FOO expect(ed) me to learn.

Anyway, that's definitely not what I'm like. I either mourn the person him/herself or feel really sorry for the family or a combination as in the case I mentioned a bit further back in here.

btw B1 is also quite similar to M, in ways I'm not. The out-of-control rage and physical violence.

Blueberry

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
that soul work sounds rather disturbing to me, too.  i don't blame you for wanting to stay away from it.  i wouldn't touch it - i personally don't think it's my place to go searching around someone else's soul.  too private and personal.

I got badly retraumatised by this T and that soul work. Of course, the soul work group started out doing soul work on self or helping a partner in the group with it, and then as things progressed we were taught that somebody dropping by your thoughts and screaming "Help!!" in your head was giving you permission to look at their soul. It wasn't till I was kicked out of the group and out of therapy that I apparently appeared to someone in group and was upset and the person asked T/guru if they should work on me and was told they'd need my express permission because I had been in the group. I declined. I'm also quite sure my soul didn't go knocking on that person's soul. As I said, bogus. I mean, I know there are sometimes strange coincidences and things you can't explain, but T/guru was just making a quick buck, more than she could make with therapy, and binding people to her. e.g. in all of us in the group all sorts of side issues came up. Now, I do one topic with Screen Processing and then leave it and see what happens. Back then with T/guru we'd work on a topic and be told to do it another 2 times (3 = magical number), later on when we were more advanced we'd be told to do it another 6 times (7= magical number).

All sorts of grooming went on. This T was someone who thought I could learn something - this whole new method - whereas at the time I still thought I was pretty much a failure, as FOO had always said. T knew me pretty well and I'm sure she knew she could exploit that. So unfortunately it took me about a year and a half to see through the facade, though I did ask sceptical questions fairly often. T said she welcomed questions, but didn't really. Took me a long time to see through that too. I trusted her. That's about 15 years ago now. It took me a number of years to get over it because it was as if T had taken over my soul. I couldn't do any kind of visualisation exercises with light or anything really for a long time after that. There were other Ts / counsellors who tried with me but it all just got worse and worse. Finding trauma-informed T brought the breakthrough but it took a long time to discover  I needed that and then find somebody to do it with me.
Anyway, enough on that topic too. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
i've also experienced that deeper connection to death.  it's also disturbing to me. 

I actually have kind of a pull towards it, unfortunately - towards feeling into it I mean, not to death itself . "Spiritual healing" exacerbated the pull needless to say. It's maybe a leftover of SI from childhood / teenage years?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
onward, blueberry.    love and hugs, sweetie   and, i thought your post was just fine as well.
Thanks for feedback  :)

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
That Soul Work sounds very heavy stuff.  Sorry to hear you got badly retraumatised by that T and doing that soul work. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thanks Hope  :)  :hug:

_________________________________________
Beneficial and constructive: accountability to self. But I'm not very good at that, so I'm going to write in here. In the next 15 minutes I'm heading to choir practice and after that I'm going to finish making elderflower jelly. It was meant to sit overnight in the fridge but now it's been sitting there for 2 nights. Definitely time to finish it.

Sometimes when I'm hesitant about doing further steps to complete a task, it's good to feel into why I'm having trouble, but sometimes it's good to just go through with it and if there's an insurmountable step in the middle of that, well, then i'll notice but otherwise I will complete task and can tell whichever Inner Children /Teens how competent that was!

Blueberry

Writing the above post worked for accountability to myself  :cheer: It was a bit of a struggle when I got in from choir practice at 10:30 pm but I continued on with my elderflower jelly and now it's in the jars setting :)

One of the reasons why cooking / baking is difficult  for me and makes me self-conscious came clear. It's no big surprise really. It reminds me of childhood / teenage years in FOO. Just being reminded of home life when I was growing up seems to be difficult. On another thread of mine San mentioned neglect by parents who don't teach their kids how to cook for example. M was one of those too, mostly. She always said it was easier to do it herself than teach us. Well, yes, undoubtedly it is, since teaching is work, but so is parenting - work and teaching.

There were some times when she was feeling better where she showed me stuff. I can remember being involved with making jam but the other problem is that I was belittled so much that doing something on my own is often really difficult. Doing all the steps. Back then  making jam and lots of other things, I was a help-mate, an assistant, with my nose often rubbed into the 'fact' that  I couldn't do it as well as other people. Namely, M, B1 and GrM. GrM did the same to M as well. So another one of these emotional injuries that are passed on. Doesn't let M and B1 off the hook though. The 'reason' isn'T necessarily an excuse.

Then of course my problems with doing things with my hands, emotional blockage in my hands. But I think the only way is to go through with these activities, and I did! I made my elderflower jelly tonight.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Blueberry

Moved a post of mine from yesterday on Outer Critic to here:
I've never been too sure on what constitutes OCr. exactly. But I think I might have been experiencing OCr. getting riled up this evening. I'm not feeling empathy for 2 deceased young persons in my town who died in separate traffic accidents within 100 metres and 24 hours of each other, close to where I live. I heard other people discussing it this evening and internally I'm thinking "Grr." They both caused their single vehicle accidents and I think more along the lines of: good that there wasn't a pedestrian or cyclist in their paths since they both mounted the curb several times. I'm a pedestrian/cyclist myself not a car-driver so am well-acquainted with my basic vulnerability on the road or bike path and in addition the accidents happened in a place I walk or cycle almost daily. When cyclists are involved in accidents, they come under immediate, general suspicion here : "those stupid cyclists don't have lights"   :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: even for an accident in broad daylight where a car driver might even have been found 100% at fault.

The amount of "Grr" factor was enough to tell me: there must be something else behind this. (1) I remember thinking re: M, who B1 criticised for not having more empathy for her SIL, that somebody who has never received real empathy shouldn't be expected to have it for others. So there's that: me too, I have an empathy-receipt defecit from way back in FOO. And (2) the other thing is being blamed for something by proxy for something that's not mine. There is a group of people I sometimes meet up with who are all car-drivers and tend to rub my nose in this by talking about cyclists in this kind of way, often actually showing their ignorance about cyclists' rights in this country. I'm not very good at defending myself verbally in that kind of situation, in fact undoubtedly it reminds me of FOO, since there's me and then there's a group of them saying "You don't drive so you don't know." Grr, Grr, Grr. "You haven't cycled on the roads as a commuter for decades so you don't know either!" I think in return but don't say, probably wisely. I guess I need to set some actual limit instead of putting up with this crap and stewing. So (3) it's also the negation of my knowledge and experience (of course in my head I'm doing it in return here, oops). But that was something FOO did to me a lot - disparaged my knowledge and taught me that my opinion was incorrect by definition because it was mine. Undoubtedly I'm still attempting that uphill battle of proving to FOO especially B1 and M that my opinion isn't always incorrect. Whereas it would be healthier to 'drop the rope' and remind myself how little contact I have with FOO, just for starters.

My ICr. is also reminding me that this non-empathy for those young people is the sort of thing M would have and used to be criticised about it in FOO, by enF and B1. So I'm thinking: I'm as bad as her. But I'm not actually. That's my ICr. not being able to see grey areas.

It is not my intention to start a discussion of cyclist versus car driver rights and responsibilities on here. Please refrain, everybody.
This post is about my usual realisations of what's going on internally, realisations that come more easily when I write on here than anywhere else. If comments, then on OCr. or is this an EF? Or maybe an EF leads to OCr. freaking out??

Blueberry

Further conclusions on "Gr Gr Gr" factor: oh dear, they keep disappearing when I want to write them down.

One on the post above is that I'm surely keeping myself protected from feeling into another tragic death of a fairly young person when I'm still thinking about the person I knew in high school, and I knew her aunt as well who'd been a teacher for 3 years before and who I liked and admired. So moving forward: Possible to protect myself emotionally without disparaging other people who died? Cuz I think disparagingis a FOO thing. Parents and B1 made disparaging remarks about and to me possibly in part to not have to feel their own pain by seeing mine. So not just ignore mine (probably hard to do for years on end anyway day after day) but disparage it as well to try and prove it doesn't have a reason to exist. So how to protect myself emotionally - in this case it's probably not so much an issue of protecting myself from other peoples' discussion of deceased people as protecting myself emotionally from memories of my hurt by FOO.

:thumbdown: :doh: :thumbdown: I came on here thinking I'd 'just' need to do some Inner Child talk but now it looks like another Screen Processing, which I still have a lot of problems motivating myself to do even though it hurts. Actually I wanted to write "even though it works". So 'hurts' = Freudian slip??  Idk.

One part of me says: "come on, do some more healing work, get going with it, stop shilly-shallying around".
The other part says: "Hey, you've been doing other moving forward work today."  Not Screen Processing, but activities with my hands (which I wrote about a post or two above also yesterday) and with plants, harvesting mostly, and I'm about to continue with a recipe I'm trying out. It had to sit for a while, hence my break on here.

Also earlier I almost went back to bed when I told myself that I 'should' wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen before I harvested any more wild herbs. Then I remembered: No, it's best if I do the easiest thing and if that's heading into the garden, then go for it. Because it does me good in other ways too, not just the harvesting.  :thumbup: I decided against the 'should'.

Blueberry

Quote from: Blueberry on June 13, 2018, 05:27:59 PM
Also earlier I almost went back to bed ...Then I remembered: No, it's best if I do the easiest thing and if that's heading into the garden, then go for it.

Repeat of this, this morning. Meaning practice makes it easier, easier to do what's healthy for me  :cheer: I went into the garden and did some weeding, especially of the 'forests' around my blackcurrants in order to let some light in to ripen them. I also did some general looking and sniffing. Which is good - not everything I do has to be 'useful' in a concrete way. Using my senses and concentrating on nature is mindfulness for me and a way of regrounding a bit.

I was meant to have a doc appointment this morning but one of the receptionists messed up and didn't write my name down. Fortunately I called in advance about something else because I feel so out of it and exhausted emotionally that I couldn't really imagine getting there by bike or bus. Now I don't have to force myself.