Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

I've known since this morning that the group lesson I might have had to teach tomorrow won't need me tomorrow or ever again. The company has found somebody else. This evening it kind of sunk in and all of a sudden I feel space somehow to start doing other things. I even feel that I can make a little list for tomorrow. Phone lawyer for an appointment, phone dentist for same, and since the weather's not so good atm some cleaning and tidying would certainly be in order!

I even feel the wherewithall to get that parcel to a FOO child into the post. It's not as if I feel that I should do it. It's that I feel as if some blockage has been swept away so that there's momentum and impetus to do such things. I always have the image of a stream in my mind which is all clogged up with branches and debris etc at some spot. Eventually something comes free and floats off downstream and other debris loosens and follows. They clog up again later somewhere else or else there's another clog in the same spot. 

Now to get onto an email reply to the friend I mentioned a few posts back 

[Blueberry]

Well, at least I've finally started working on a reply. I always leave that kind of email / letter overnight before posting so as not to say too much or the wrong thing. I always end up revising the next day so it's definitely good for me to leave it overnight. I feel slightly confused or foggy now anyway, so I need to take a break. But I have started 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like things are clearing up for you really well, blueberry.  i remember when it was a regular thing for you to ignore messes for long periods of time, too tired, little energy, you just wanted to stay in bed.  now look at you.  a block of time opens up and you're looking to fill it with something fun or worthwhile - something constructive for your life.  i'm so happy for you that this is happening.  it sounds great.  love and hugs!

[Blueberry]

Wow, you remember how it used to be for me. I'm impressed and touched.

I have been ignoring the mess in my apartment for a pretty long while now, again. Haven't started it yet today either  but have got those 2 appointments (dentist and lawyer). The dentist one will help avoid a real mess in my mouth, or the mess gettign worse. I also inquired about a one-on-one computer course I've been intending to inquire about for a while . If I sign up for it, it'll help me with my harder professional work. I can't sign up till Monday, but at least I finally inquired  which means that I unconsciously feel the space, time, energy for it. Conversely when I don't inquire and/or make appointments eg. dentist I unconsciously feel a lack of space, time or energy. Just realised that now.  - realisations are beneficial.

I have written a postcard to a little friend of mine, my non-FOO godson, and a note to his mother. Even the card and the notepaper have been lying around for a while, so now they're in an envelope, rather than adding to the mess Writing to my godson is beneficial too because obviously it's good for our relationship to stay in touch but I was also reliving a fun afternoon watching a bird-of-prey show and feeding Barbary apes. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree that realizations are beneficial, and that they can also be difficult to negotiate until we get the hang of what they mean for us.  as far as the mess in your surroundings, taking care of the mess in your  mouth may be just as important, so congrats to you.  the other mess will wait, without judgment, till you're ready to tackle it.

keep going, sweetie.  i think you're doing great - i really do.  love and hugs, and good luck with the dentist. 

[Blueberry]

Today I didn't get up till after midday. I was awake, I just didn't get up. Possibly i'd planned to do too many things today. Not that many at all, but somehow too much for me.

I spent a lot of time today with a friend who regularily talks the hind legs off a donkey. I wasn't always alone with her, there were other people around too. Sometimes when doing various jobs I was doing, I just closed my ears so to speak. It's exhausting. I don't think she'll change either, I think that's just the way she is. Today she reminded me of M and M's FOO.

I either need to say something or withdraw. What do you say? "I like you and I really do appreciate our friendship but you talk too much." Can't picture myself saying that. Difficult.

[Blueberry]

I spent a lot of time today with a friend who regularily talks the hind legs off a donkey. .. It's exhausting. I don't think she'll change either, I think that's just the way she is. Today she reminded me of M and M's FOO.

I either need to say something or withdraw. What do you say? "I like you and I really do appreciate our friendship but you talk too much." Can't picture myself saying that. Difficult.

It occurred to me a bit later that not saying something and/or doing boundaries is the way I acted in FOO too for years. Even when people gave suggestions about how I could act or what I could say, I couldn't picture it and said it was difficult. Like a T once suggested I shake M's hand in greeting instead of putting up with a hug. I couldn't imagine doing that because shaking hands with someone you already know especially a woman is not so much part of anglo-saxon culture as it is in my country of residence. So it's like I didn't dare even introduce some other form of greeting / contact cuz not what M is used to.

Last time I saw M I didn't do either. Just said "Hello". So a change obviously is possible. Even when I think it isn't. When I think it isn't, it's because I'm putting the other person's comfort or habits or something in a higher position than my own comfort and boundaries. Learned behaviour. Can be unlearned.

_________________________

Today I got a request to zip across the road and do some of my hardest professional work off-the-cuff. It wasn't bad at all actually which had to do with the nature of it today i.e. wouldn't always be this stress-free. But still it's good that can happen from time to time. And I feel I did something useful and constructive, which in turn is beneficial. Also earned a bit of money too.

[Blueberry]

I feel very easily annoyed today by little things. People are too loud. Somebody makes a jocular remark in my direction, probably trying to be friendly or something. I just don't have the emotional wherewithall to deal with it.

I feel like a nasty person because I'm having disagreements of one sort or another with various different friends atm. At least four of them now. They don't necessarily know about the disagreement, might be in my head atm but also been building for a while. e.g. the mother of my godson, who I consider a really good friend. I remember when he was smaller she said that whenever I felt up to having him to visit at my place for overnight 'of course' she'd bring him over by car but now she has time only on one weekend throughout the whole 6 weeks of summer holiday because otherwise the days are all full up. So that's their family's set of priorities. In the past 6 months she has tried to pretty heavily suggest that if he were to visit me, I would either collect him or take him home from my place. It's an almost 3 hour train ride, one way which means I'd be 6 hours travelling. But when I visit them at their place I take the train both ways, so I think it would be fair when he visits me for them to bring him until he's old enough to do the train trip himself. It's also a much shorter route by car and quicker. Things change, times change. Probably at the time she said they'd bring my godson to visit, she could envisage that and now she can't. She or her husband drove their older two children to see their godparents for the day or weekend. That probably doesn't fit their plans anymore because the older all the children get, the more is going on in everybody's lives and they don't have time. It probably has nothing to do with me.

It would make sense to bring this topic into the open air and discuss, but that's always very difficult for me. I hear B1 in my head saying "You gotta understand..." e.g. that life for others is too stressful. 'Understand' means "accept" of course. And I can also hear my M ridiculing me for my "whiney little voice" which was just an excuse not to listen to me. If she could find something wrong with the way I addressed an issue like my voice or wrong usage of words or I was crying, then hey presto problem erased simply by refusing to listen to me on account of my "bad behavior" e.g. crying and all that. A therapist said a long time ago that when you're uncertain and worried about broaching a subject your voice changes. People hear it in your voice automatically unless you're a robot, but I wasn't, I was a little girl and then a teenager. M used my subtle expression of emotion in order to find an excuse not to listen to me. And that's still affecting me.

We had tentatively planned for me to go and visit in two and a half weeks for the weekend but I have the feeling now that she's backing out because too stressed, I may also do so. It sounds like tit for tat, but it's not actually. It's looking out for myself as she is looking out for herself. There's so much going on atm internally and I had been increasingly having trouble keeping up with the pace of their family when i'm on visits anyway. Last time I even blew a minor fuse because I couldn't keep going, hadn't managed to get out of a situation fast enough to not blow a fuse. I suppose it was an EF.

LOng post, but writing has helped me sort it a little bit.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,  to you. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope   

So I had some of the usual dreams of my space being invaded. At least in the dream I complained to somebody, I think a landlord, though it wasn't my actual landlord. So that's progress over dreams of this type in the past.

This time somebody else had a key to my office and had been using it for a while on the sly but 'yesterday evening' the man had put his own furniture in and claimed it had been let to him by somebody completely different from my landlords. Undoubtedly this is a reaction to the generally uncertainty I feel atm with what's happening when in house and garden and the fact that getting information from my lls is like pulling teeth. Combined with my own difficulty cornering them and saying "Would you give me that information NOW instead of putting me off again!!" They still haven't told me what they're lowering my office rent to and 6 weeks have passed by since they said they'd lower it. So I've paid the normal rent twice now.  And I have asked them again for the information.

[Blueberry]

I feel very low today, even though I wrote 4 Good Things on the 3 Good Things thread. If I remember rightly, children sometimes need more sleep when going through (physical) growth spurts, so why not when going through emotional growth spurts too? With all these realisations and shifts going on in my perspective, there is a lot going on internally.

Later: I think the low feeling and feelings of irritability when around other people are to do with the murky depths coming up now that i'm no longer covering them up with trying to 'hold it together' so that I can keep working. I'm OK with that. Not that I enjoy the murky depths but looking at and feeling them seems to be part of my healing journey.

[Blueberry]

Relevant words from my T which I found on another post of mine: "My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably."

Oh gee. So many problems cropping up in friendships atm. Not to mention elsewhere - e.g. neighbours, continuing in FOO etc. But it's not because I'm such a terrible person, it's because I've mostly not allowed myself or been brave enough to speak up about a problem developing because of all the gaslighting and emotional abuse I endured in FOO when I tried.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
Sending you a hug, because I know you're feeling a bit low ATM and I hope that your friendship problems will find some resolution -  to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Hope! 

I'm discussing an outing with my godson and his mother via email and I did say I'd prefer she doesn't arrange to meet up with other friends of hers as well because that just further complicates the issue and would make our outing more stressful. I mean, she's the one who admits she's close to burnout and that's why that's the only time in the whole summer holidays when she can bring my godson to me.

She said once before months ago she wasn't going to try to meet up with two or three different people when she comes back to this town for a visit because it was too stressful. Ok, well, then please not when you're meeting up with me either! I didn't say that of course but that's how I feel. The outing I arranged through my farm connections  is something she's being trying to do with her FOC for a couple of years! Her DH is not interested however. So I think to myself "Please appreciate my inquiring and planning and don't make this stressful for me and you by changing plans at the last minute to include other friends' wants and desires! They could visit you in your current town after all, the way I do, but they don't (have time / make time)."
The slight irony is: they all have cars at their disposal and my friend does comment sometimes on how long my journey is door-to-door when I visit them, since at least twice as long time-wise as driving. But this fact doesn't translate into her other friends driving over to visit her, tho it could easily be done in a day. Nor does it translate into her bringing my godson over to spare me the train trip. Because the car trip is too long, she'd only do it if she can combine with something else to make it 'worth it'. It's a question of priorities in friendships, more than the car journeys the people are using as excuses.

Anyway it's good that I'm being proactive and stating my wishes in advance.   

[Blueberry]

I've just been at church and sung with gusto. Both singing and the service itself did me good. I noticed an inclination to start sorting something out with my brother re my niece/goddaughter. Doesn't mean I'll necessarily act on it tomorrow because negotiating with FOO takes an awful lot out of me, but just the inclination raising its head again is a good sign.

I notice: emotional overload. When I'm not able to  review the last days to see what sins I might have committed (sins for me being non-beneficial activities such as compulsive over-eating but also maybe how I treat other people or myself), I know it's to do with overload.

I kept having to stifle yawns and noticed at least there how tired I feel. otoh there was a friendly feel round about me and everybody joined in the Peace part of the service, which isn't always the case.