Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

Started by Blueberry, January 09, 2018, 12:47:46 PM

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Blueberry

I went on an organised bike tour this morning. It was fun and did me good and all that... but there were a couple of little incidents. Somebody who was not the group leader would every so often announce where we were going. "We turn right here" in a big loud voice instead of waiting for the leader to say anything or signal. Big Loud Voice was often ahead of the leader too, which she shouldn't have been most of the time.

I notice now in retrospect that these situations stressed me. I felt somehow 'hurried' the time BLV said "We turn right here" because we actually were all stopped and having a couple minutes break and normally a tour leader will glance around the group and see when the great majority are ready to move on, or are people still chugging water etc.

Some people might manage calmly to say "Excuse me, I feel hurried. Can you just allow us to have our break in peace?" Not me. I said that our tour leader was the one to decide and when BLV argued back, I said "could be" and repeated the bit about our tour leader. After speaking, I could feel the annoyance in me physically. I managed to calm that down once we were back on our bikes and riding so that was good. But I noted in a group of 18 people, I was the only one who openly contradicted, showed annoyance etc. Except the tour leader at a previous break had mentioned it to a few of us who were standing about. (I'm in the same bike association as her, both us somewhat active though I don't guide tours, I do other stuff so not untoward that she mentioned it.) 

This is my thought now in retrospect: Maybe it really was particularly my own annoyance that made me speak up and tell BLV 'where to go' and not what it apparently looks like to other people - that I'm taking on some other person's job i.e. instead of letting the tour leader deal with it? I have noticed during long years of healing that when I manage to delve down into the reasons behind decisions it's often not the easy, 'lay-person' explanation, e.g. "You don't eat for a few days to make people feel sorry for you." Um, no, actually it's much more complicated and complex.

I often felt hurried as a child particularly by M. That's what I'm remembering now. And so today I finally said something. So I'm sitting with this fact now. It really is OK to speak up with what's going on. It's really OK to maybe not use 100% correct wording the way you might learn to do in 'How To Defuse the Situation' seminars or in Non-Violent Communication, or to absolutely correctly feel what's bothering me at the time!! :yes: I don't have to be perfect. 

Libby183

Good on you, Blueberry,  for speaking up. You had a perfect right to say that you wanted the full break from cycling,  and that it wasn't the place of BLV to decide, unilaterally,  that the break was over. I know I would feel the same way, but speaking up would be either impossible or leave me feeling really,  really bad. The fact that you spoke up and then "sat with"  the fact that you did it,  and the emotions you felt,  is a great achievement.  Something I need to work on, and like you point out,  definitely a hang over from FOO where we were treated without care but unable to speak up without guilt and shame.

I hope you don't mind me asking about your situation with seeing your godson over the summer,  given all the different factors involved.  It's just that I am struggling with something very similar,  where my feeling is just to give up bothering. Only if you don't mind, but l would be interested.

Take care.

Libby.

Blueberry

Thank you Libby for comments on my Great Achievement! They too help instil in me the idea that I did nothing wrong.

About my godson: tomorrow would have been the day to go and visit him and family to be at the music school concert he's playing in. But I'm not going. Maybe today I'll finally get a postcard to him and a note to his M into the post? That would be something. Or I could phone him too about the concert. But go? No. In a couple of weeks the plan is that his M is bringing him for an overnight holiday in my general geographic area and collecting me to join them. That's it for the summer. It could be that I will do something with him in the early fall because I owe him (birthday present for a nature outing) and then I'll see.

I don't have the feeling I want to give up 'bothering' more that I owe it to myself to arrange contact in such a way that I can look after my needs too. That involves practice. Going and doing the steps and seeing what works and how.

I think I need / want to give up 'bothering' with FOO children though, one of whom is my goddaughter, because the tiniest contact with FOO adults harms me. 'Tiniest contact' includes one of them drifting through my thoughts, which is what happens when I think of a present or card for the FOO chidren. There's also no way to arrange any kind of contact where my needs are met or even considered worthy of being met.

Hope this helps. PM me if you want to.

sanmagic7

good for you, blueberry.  i've jumped in and said stuff, too, when maybe it wasn't my place, or when nobody else made an effort or complaint.    sometimes leaders just aren't enough of a leader to take on such a responsibility.  you, however, showed leadership qualities there.

no, we're not going to be perfect at this, but that's ok, too.  you did what you thought was right, no intent to harm anyone or put them down in a demoralizing fashion, so i find nothing inherently wrong with what you did.  i also agree with you about things being a lot more complex under the surface than others might realize.

well done for standing up for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Blueberry

 :cheer: A bit of a breakthrough  :cheer:

After some pain in my hands, which had no physical reason for being except possibly general body tension, I started rubbing body lotion into them (self-care) and yawning like crazy. Yawning like that usually means physical tension is being released or something is taking place in my subconscious. Or in fact most likely both as today. Then came an image of me doing EFT, tapping through the sentence "I love and accept myself even when I make progress" which brought on a whole load more yawning. So I think in the next couple of days I'll try and work with that sentence a bit. I think working on this will go some way to counteracting my tendency to trip myself up and to sabotage my own progress, partially with every tiny little step exhausting me so much. So it usually feels as if I have no control over it really. It's less exhausting if I just imagine myself doing the EFT rather than actually doing it so I may try that option first.

The pain in my hands went away when the sentence "I love and accept myself even when I make progress" came.  :thumbup:

sanmagic7

yay, you!    :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

great realization.  i really like that affirmation - it makes a lot of sense to me.    :thumbup:

Blueberry

I came on here a little while ago to make a post but I did moderating instead, which wasn't very beneficial for myself.

I had been about to write an email starting with "I won't actually ever be better" then noticed how sad that was making me and wanted to mention the sadness here. The email would have been to somebody who was offering me help and suggesting it might be important to care for myself and improve my health before I worry about Little Furries' health. I was going to ask the person if the offer of help is still valid, because if so I'd gladly take her up on it.

Maybe I'll write tomorrow. It feels too much tonight.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I don't know if what I'll write will make sense, but I wanted to share my thoughts that came up when you wrote this entry in your journal - i.e. that you mentioned that you did some Moderating on here instead of another course of action, and you felt it wasn't very beneficial to yourself.  Then you spoke of the suggestion of that person who had said that "it might be important to care for myself and improve my health before I worry about Little Furries' health" - and I thought of the parallel between that, and maybe your wish to help people here in this place (via Moderating) and the 'Furries' that you care for - and that you were putting both those needs before your own.

I am not surprised that you felt sad when writing the words "I won't actually ever be better" as that is very absolute kind of language - not allowing much to seep through to be of benefit.  If I had written something like that, I'd be wondering which part of me had written it - as it doesn't allow for help and support - almost as if closing the door, but I know you're keen to tackle it again tomorrow - and I hope that you'll feel able to write the E-mail to the person you mentioned.

I am happy for you that someone has offered you help - and I hope very much that she will still offer it - and that you'll be able to write to her tomorrow - if you want to.

I think it's good that you're considering your needs - because you are worth all the care and attention that Furries get, and that we get here, because you are worth it, Blueberry.

:hug: to you.
Hope  :)
I feel apologetic for writing this, as I feel as if I'm crossing a line somehow in saying these things, but I really felt I wanted to communicate that to you - and hope that's ok.

Blueberry

Hope, what you write makes perfect sense.

The person was actually referring to the Little Furries I gave into better care last year and that maybe she could help me (instead of helping me with them). I hadn't really thought of that parallel though. I really do tend to put others' needs ahead of my own. I am going through a phase where I'm beginning to notice it (but not always) and beginning to speak up about it, set limits, push back, refuse etc.

I hadn't realised the effect the words "I won't actually ever be better" might have on me. Strange as that may seem. My doc (gp) does point out the effect of language I use on myself. So you're doing it today instead of him. Thank you! I think I was reading into the other person's offer of help that she might understand that I really should be 100% healed before I have Furries again and I was wanting to negate that possibility. But really I don't have to. That's judgemental of self and justifying myself in some way whereas I could just say: "Thank you for the offer, I'd like to take you up on it if still possible. Need some help with x and y."

btw, you're not crossing any lines in saying that, Hope. I hope you're better at believing that than I am (deep down) at believing I'm worth care and attention. If not, we can both work on it  :)  :hug:

Blueberry

So, I'm now writing post number 4001 with no end in sight. No likelihood of me stopping writing on here any time soon. :Blush:

Today on the way back home from the farm I was thinking I should do a round of EFT "I accept and love myself just the way I am." I didn't do that in the end because I put my farm produce away and got ready to teach my evening client. After that I forgot about it and did this, that and the other. However, I don't have much sugar craving this evening whereas I often have it after farm work. So either just thinking the sentence helped or else my EFT work from yesterday is still having a positive effect. Or both.

When I made my evening meal, all ingredients except my homemade pesto were farm produce. I did buy the olive oil for my pesto, but the rest of it came out of my garden - weeds and herbs. I feel good about that. Cutting down on food expenditure would be a Good Thing. When my eating disorder gets shaky, it's difficult but atm I'm feeling more impulse to use trauma processing methods instead of eating.  :thumbup:

sanmagic7

blueberry, personally, i'm glad there's no end in sight just yet.  i relate to a lot of what you share (like putting others' needs first), and it does me good to read about your perspective on it and how it applies to everyday life, including struggling to keep going.  we really are all in this together.

your meal sounds yummy!  i don't think anything tastes as good as food straight out of the garden. 

do your furries help you in any way?  are they a form of company for you, a distraction when you need it, or even a sense of doing something good for another living being?  i know pets can take work, time, and energy, and certainly we need that sense of balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves, but there can also be something comforting and soothing about having them around. 

at any rate, i'm glad your eft, in whatever form it took, helped you.  you've inspired me - i need a little self-acceptance right about now, too.  thanks for bringing it up.  i'm gonna do me some tapping as soon as i'm done writing.  and, i also wanted to give you an 'atta girl' for all the times i see you posting about '3 good things . . .'.  i think it's great that you do that so consistently.  another thing i may need to learn from you.  thank you very much.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I agree with SanMagic, and I am also glad that you're going to be writing more here, and I also relate to so much of what you share.  I am impressed that you've made produce in your garden to make your own pesto - that is amazing.  I also think your meal sounds yummy.

I have read many of your posts - and the fact you're on post 4001 - I just want to say that I think you've helped lots of us by writing, and I admire how you've continued to strive forward.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you both so much for your comments, san and Hope  :)  :hug: :hug:

____________________________________________

A client who was going to come this morning cancelled yesterday evening. I did consider going back up to the farm today and continuing to remove those pesky caterpillars from the cabbage plants. It's an organic farm so no sprays. It's all done by hand.

But I decided to stay home and do things for myself, as Hope was suggesting a couple of posts further up  ;D

I did some garden work including digging up some of the easier plants (less deep roots, no prior pruning necessary)  that I'm going to have to move to another part of the garden. This was something I was dreading doing, thinking about trying to get help for and now at least this part of it is done  :cheer:

I cleared up all sorts of flotsam and jetsam from round my bed (including 32 books - yikes). There was even the odd thing under the mattress. Needless to say dust and general dirt, not to mention hair since I pull it out. I heaved my mattress out the window into the garden to air on a couple of drying frames and shook out bedding and hung it outside too. i've been intending to get on with cleaning at least part of my bedroom for a while so  :thumbup: to self.

Before all that, I took my meds and then washed dishes and did some food preparation of garden stuff that needed to be made into something before it dried out / went off. Commonly known as food conservation. And played some CDs to which I either moved to (while washing dishes etc.) or sang to.

Pretty constructive for one day, that's not even finished.  :)

sanmagic7


Blueberry

NTS: If the answer isn't definitely "yes", then it's "no".

I got an enquiry today about doing some contract work, not even from a previous client but a completely new agency, new to me. I note how hard it is to say "no". There are all these 'should' statements going on internally. But I also notice my desire to eat sweet stuff sky-rocketing. I also just read in one of my own posts how much this type of work takes out of me. It's just not worth the exhaustion it brings about.

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew as I did a few months ago. All these remarks in FOO voices in my head "oh but surely you can do this". No, I can't.

When I stepped away from the computer briefly, the answer was clear. "I don't want to do it." Just looking at it, I'm going to be having trouble with the first sentence. Since various aspects of emotional abuse come up almost every time I carry out this profession, it makes sense to take a break from it (possibly for ever) except in the instances where there's something I know I can do without fail. There are a couple of things in this profession I can do without going into EFs.

That's become clear to me just now. The feeling that I cannot continue or complete a contract job without eating half a bag of something sweet and the inability to do the work at all without my brand of SH means I'm in constant low-level EFs, probably with bursts of medium-level from time to time. Better to work on the underlying problems before accepting this type of contract work again.

It really is OK to turn it down! That voice saying if I don't take on this job, I'll never get any other ever again - it doesn't know what it's talking about.

Probably I need to do a round of EFT "I love and accept myself even though I'm turning this job down." Keep breathing Blueberry.