Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #270 on: June 14, 2018, 01:38:04 PM »
Obviously a difficult day for me for some reason. But I have managed to stay up and do stuff instead of going back to bed. Been in the garden a few times to do this or pick that and hang up laundry. And.... I did some cleaning.  :cheer:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #271 on: June 14, 2018, 01:42:48 PM »
 :cheer: :applause: :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #272 on: June 14, 2018, 03:26:12 PM »
I'm feeling very self-conscious today. Probably an EF.  I did do some EFT (tapping) but... Difficult. I'm having to work at not letting the corners of my mouth droop all day. I don't even know why!!

Though I have my suspicions. Death of someone who I knew in high school, thinking about it puts my mind back to that time of my life and to that place. Seems hard. I have been back on holiday since moving to another country and thought I'd made my peace with it, but maybe not? The mere idea of moving back to my home town is enough to cause an EF but I hadn't realised that thinking about my home town would too. But I suppose I'm thinking back to how I was then as a 16-17 year old when I was not in a good state at all. I was exceedingly self-conscious. I wanted to hide away and not be seen.
otoh one of the aunts of this person was a teacher of mine in a previous school and I have good memories of her. She and 2 other female teachers even once asked M if there was something wrong with me, I looked so drained and exhausted! I've remembered this always - somebody (3 in fact) noticed something was 'off' and spoke up.

Time to put whole episode in Bank Vault? I don't want to. What part doesn't?

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #273 on: June 15, 2018, 03:28:54 AM »
Continuing Difficult Day, not that I'm posting over there atm. Went to bed last night at 8pm. Sometimes that helps - just give myself time and I'll come out of an EF again. At least I slept. And at least I have more idea what's wrong - not just the death I mentioned and my thoughts reverting to really difficult period in my life when I was 16-17. Nooo.

There are all those money and job worries. I started a new freelance contract last week in my easier line of work. Today will be the second time. I 'should' go because they're expecting me and because I need the money, but I don't want to. I'm working with a group, albeit a small one. I managed last week but... I don't like groups.

My T says not to push myself too much when in an EF. Quite frankly I'd prefer to go up to the farm today though even that feels difficult. I was there on Monday again after weeks of not and said I'd come today. The freelance work is more 'important' because I actually get money as opposed to food. I feel like calling in sick with the freelance work but I don't think I will, I think I'll push myself through it somehow. It doesn't feel good though atm, so please no comments on 'pushing yourself through' is best please! i'm not sure that it always is. Maybe it's time I just gave up? No, my T said not to make that kind of decision when in an EF.

I also feel like going back into inpatient therapy, though I'm sure I won't. The impulse is probably just an instance of Flight. Flee away from all the mess in my daily life and go somewhere where I kind of get looked after. I was reading in my paper journal an hour or so ago and seeing I go on healing retreats partly just to help me keep going, not throw in the towel. T says when I feel like signing up for one, then I should do so and not put it off with: "I 'should' keep the money for a time when i don't have any regular one-on-one outpatient therapy the way I do now with him." So signing up for a stint in August would be a Good Thing. August is always a really difficult month anyway. Good friends mostly on holiday, almost all my regular activities like choir stop and if I do a couple of hours of freelance work, it's a good August. Usually nobody wants anything done in Aug.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2018, 03:41:51 AM by Blueberry »

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Libby183

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #274 on: June 15, 2018, 06:20:36 AM »
Feeling for you,  Blueberry and very much relating to your difficult days.

I agree absolutely,  that pushing through is one of the worst courses of action.  It was a mantra in my FOO,  which I felt I had to maintain.  But it is very damaging in the long run.  I hope you were able to make the decision about going to work or not, which was right for you. 

I can certainly understand how triggering anything to do with your home town is. I can see how mention of the place and the memories that are then triggered would lead to an EF,  which then gets intertwined with present day issues.

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with at the moment.  I am having a difficult time as well,  but you have helped me to find my voice again, when I haven't felt able to post for quite a while.

Take care, Blueberry.

Libby.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #275 on: June 15, 2018, 10:36:58 AM »
Thanks Libby, for posting. It helps when somebody understands and says so.

Pushing through: the T at the last retreat I was on and my doc both remind(ed) me to slow down and feel what's going on. Pushing through is the opposite of that.

At least my post helped move you to write as you said.  :)

You take care too!  :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #276 on: June 15, 2018, 11:17:53 AM »
I attempted to phone in sick today but they were Not Amused so I went. I notice how hard it is. I'm teaching adults and even though it's a small group, it's a group and my specialty is one-on-one.

Hm, yes, this Journal is about what is beneficial and constructive and this teaching doesn't seem to be. Today there were a couple of people there who weren't there last time, one of whom is pretty difficult imo. I just don't feel up to dealing. I just don't have the inner strength to stand there and show in my body language that I'm the boss, we're moving forward and not fooling about asking irrelevant questions while at the same time showing a welcoming smile in my body language, bringing about group cohesion and paying attention to the rules of the place where I'm teaching which include not calling on individual students to give an answer.

Say I'm teaching math: this would be teaching substraction, the level my students are at. 5-2=3 Let's practise similar. What do I hear? 3+2=5. Twice. From the same person. A loud mouth who knows everything. And who criticises my teaching and nit-picks and also throws in his brilliant knowledge, some of which is wrong. Which he then argues with me. That's just one downside. There's more obviously because I could hardly drag myself there today and I hadn't even met him yet.

I think the main thing is: I don't like teaching groups, I feel out of my depth. It's connected to this cptsd stuff. I've collapsed before when teaching groups and ended up not being able to get back on my feet without inpatient T. That was a good number of years ago, I thought it might have changed and to continue the math metaphor, that was one group of long division and one of geometry rather than substraction. So I had thought maybe the harder subject matter was the problem. Seems not. Today I'm beginning to realise that teaching groups may be one of many things I just cannot do and must accept.

When I got back home I did some small task in my office that I'd been putting off. One thing to help my one-on-one teaching along  :thumbup: :applause:

Now I'll get ready to go to the farm.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #277 on: June 15, 2018, 04:03:50 PM »
standing right next to you, blueberry.    :bighug:  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #278 on: June 17, 2018, 09:17:58 PM »
Thanks san!  :thumbup:  :hug:

i've just sent an email turning this teaching job down. I work freelance so I'm not compelled to give notice, my contract asks me to give 'reasonable' notice but can't compel me to. I have said I can do 2 more times in June and even July but then I'm done. If they find somebody before that, I'm more than happy to leave. I wrote I'm not the right person for the job and it's true. If the clients haven't noticed yet, they soon will. And then the company I'm workign for will be at much more of a disadvantage than just having me leaving.

I still note how hard it is. I've switched off my email to protect me from a reply. Not that one is likely to come so late in the evening. Though I have just been mailing back and forth with a computer guy who's going to bring me a new monitor this week, so some people are working this late on a Sunday. It's hard, I forgot to breathe and now I'm jittery. It's like an I.Child in me who expects to be scolded for inconveniencing someone else. Well, I'm going to put some music on and maybe i'll even manage to move to it a bit.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #279 on: June 18, 2018, 02:33:00 AM »
 :thumbup:

good for you.  sounds like you are seeing yourself more clearly and soundly about this.  that's so great.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  you're doing really well.  and i love that you turned off your email for tonite.  way to take care of yourself.  i see it as a pos. thing, very strong on knowing what's ok for you and what isn't at this particular moment.  well done.   love and hugs always, dearie.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #280 on: June 22, 2018, 10:05:15 PM »
Thanks, san.  :) I'm accepting myself and my limitations better.

Today I had to remind myself that I am indeed Blueberry. I had a couple of minutes of feeling like I was splitting up. Idk why. Reminding myself worked. I didn't need to start stamping or pushing off walls.

I did better teaching the group today than I did last week. otoh the really difficult client wasn't there. I had to remind myself that it was still strenuous just not as bad as last week. I also poked around a bit in my gut feelings and discovered that I did make the right decision to hand in my notice.

Atm I'm taking a break from moderating much. It's a beneficial decision. I feel too exhausted and too spaced out to concentrate on other mbrs' posts, to check them or respond to them.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2018, 10:11:53 PM by Blueberry »

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #281 on: June 23, 2018, 10:11:25 AM »
I feel really tired today and I had trouble getting up and getting on with things. But I did eventually.

What I notice since making the decision not to continue looking for P/T employment is that I generally feel less rushed and along with that my self-care is improving a bit. I'm being much better at taking my morning meds. One before breakfast, one after. If you don't have breakfast, the one after is a bit tricky. Even if I do have breakfast, I have been known to forget the 'after' one anyway. I think this is an improvement in mindfulness. I have my mind on myself rather than on 8000 things I ought to be doing and haven't done.

I signed up for a guided tour of a rose garden today. I'm really looking forward to that  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #282 on: June 23, 2018, 01:24:30 PM »
I know how hard it is to make such a desicion regarding profession. And I'm glad to hear that you made the one that was ultimatedly the right one for you!
I'm also glad to hear that this has impacted your self-care in a positive way. It's no wonder that you get a little worn out after deciding and doing something about it.

I'm cheering for you!  :cheer:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #283 on: June 23, 2018, 02:49:05 PM »
enjoy the roses, blueberry.  i hope they bring some pos. uplifting of the spirit for you.  you've just done a big thing for yourself, you're being more mindful, taking care of your own needs and, at least to me, being in a flower garden is the perfect cap for all that.

love and hugs, sweetie.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #284 on: June 23, 2018, 08:59:08 PM »
It's no wonder that you get a little worn out after deciding and doing something about it.

I hadn't thought of that connection! You're undoubtedly right though. I often get exhausted with certain types of moving forward. And yeah, I remember you sometimes post about profession decisions too. That's something we have in common.

Yes, san, I was thinking of the rose tour as some good thing for myself, a celebration, for making that employment decision. The guide pointed out some other flowering plants as well, particularly ones that complement roses quite well. I also learnt some very easy things I can do to help my roses along. Not even rose fertiliser (which I don't buy) but e.g. just how to cut them back properly, how and when to water, covering or not in winter. Of course I've looked in books before but I'm better off when somebody shows me during a whole rose context. Stays in my brain better.

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During the rose tour an acquaintance from the LETS group, which I've posted about before, started talking to me, gossiping really about LETS in a pretty negative way. I have a lot of negative thoughts about LETS too but when I tried to do something about changing LETS, nobody stood up for and with me. They were and still are apparently happy to complain about it, but do something?? No.
I don't want to go into the whole internal politics of LETS again because it's obvious to me now that it reminds me on quite a number of levels of my own dysfunctional FOO. I said I didn't want to go into it because really difficult and heard "Yes, I understand and the terrible thing is they do this and....." So I interrupted and reiterated my non-desire to continue and this acquaintance actually gave up and we talked of other things like roses.  :cheer:

I'm getting better at standing up for my needs and not allowing myself to be bulldozed into being a sounding-off board for others' problems.

For me the rose tour was a bit marred by how the guide treated an elderly man in a wheelchair and his wife. They'd asked especially in advance if they could do the tour with a wheelchair and were told 'yes'. The park with the roses is wheelchair-accessible but our guide insisted on going the way she usually does, up a flight of steps, where we'd meet them at the top. Sounded OK to me, but then she held a huge long lecture on the steps about fertilisers etc. in a place where the wheelchair couple couldn't have seen or heard us. By the time we got to the top, they were nowhere to be seen. We took so long they gave up, thought they were in the wrong place. When the guide was phoned in the middle of the tour, it was the local museum (who organises these types of tours) asking where we'd got to. The guide told us she would give this couple their own tour then later, but managed to blame them at the same time for giving up, and didn't seem to realise she was the one who excluded them due to her own rigidity. Well, that's how I saw it anyway. Disabled people have a right to be included where possible and it would have been possible. It's not just about the information, it's about being accepted into a group to spend a nice couple of hours with other people interested in roses.

Why does this bother me so much? FOO of course. I know all about being excluded from a group at the instigation of one or two people. Being me, I even eventually said something on the steps during the rose tour, also because I was cold - stone steps, shade. It wasn't warm. The guide was in the sun. Ha! It was all about her, that's what's getting in my craw.

Anyway NTS: concentrate on the good parts of the tour - all the perfumed roses I sniffed, all the other flowers I saw, especially those buzzing with bees, generally good feeling in the group, somebody who told a couple of jokes at odd intervals which lightened things up, the information I gleaned, and then sticking up for myself and my boundaries.  :)