Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #270 on: June 14, 2018, 06:38:04 AM »
Obviously a difficult day for me for some reason. But I have managed to stay up and do stuff instead of going back to bed. Been in the garden a few times to do this or pick that and hang up laundry. And.... I did some cleaning.  :cheer:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #271 on: June 14, 2018, 06:42:48 AM »
 :cheer: :applause: :hug:
learn something from everything.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #272 on: June 14, 2018, 08:26:12 AM »
I'm feeling very self-conscious today. Probably an EF.  I did do some EFT (tapping) but... Difficult. I'm having to work at not letting the corners of my mouth droop all day. I don't even know why!!

Though I have my suspicions. Death of someone who I knew in high school, thinking about it puts my mind back to that time of my life and to that place. Seems hard. I have been back on holiday since moving to another country and thought I'd made my peace with it, but maybe not? The mere idea of moving back to my home town is enough to cause an EF but I hadn't realised that thinking about my home town would too. But I suppose I'm thinking back to how I was then as a 16-17 year old when I was not in a good state at all. I was exceedingly self-conscious. I wanted to hide away and not be seen.
otoh one of the aunts of this person was a teacher of mine in a previous school and I have good memories of her. She and 2 other female teachers even once asked M if there was something wrong with me, I looked so drained and exhausted! I've remembered this always - somebody (3 in fact) noticed something was 'off' and spoke up.

Time to put whole episode in Bank Vault? I don't want to. What part doesn't?
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #273 on: June 14, 2018, 08:28:54 PM »
Continuing Difficult Day, not that I'm posting over there atm. Went to bed last night at 8pm. Sometimes that helps - just give myself time and I'll come out of an EF again. At least I slept. And at least I have more idea what's wrong - not just the death I mentioned and my thoughts reverting to really difficult period in my life when I was 16-17. Nooo.

There are all those money and job worries. I started a new freelance contract last week in my easier line of work. Today will be the second time. I 'should' go because they're expecting me and because I need the money, but I don't want to. I'm working with a group, albeit a small one. I managed last week but... I don't like groups.

My T says not to push myself too much when in an EF. Quite frankly I'd prefer to go up to the farm today though even that feels difficult. I was there on Monday again after weeks of not and said I'd come today. The freelance work is more 'important' because I actually get money as opposed to food. I feel like calling in sick with the freelance work but I don't think I will, I think I'll push myself through it somehow. It doesn't feel good though atm, so please no comments on 'pushing yourself through' is best please! i'm not sure that it always is. Maybe it's time I just gave up? No, my T said not to make that kind of decision when in an EF.

I also feel like going back into inpatient therapy, though I'm sure I won't. The impulse is probably just an instance of Flight. Flee away from all the mess in my daily life and go somewhere where I kind of get looked after. I was reading in my paper journal an hour or so ago and seeing I go on healing retreats partly just to help me keep going, not throw in the towel. T says when I feel like signing up for one, then I should do so and not put it off with: "I 'should' keep the money for a time when i don't have any regular one-on-one outpatient therapy the way I do now with him." So signing up for a stint in August would be a Good Thing. August is always a really difficult month anyway. Good friends mostly on holiday, almost all my regular activities like choir stop and if I do a couple of hours of freelance work, it's a good August. Usually nobody wants anything done in Aug.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 08:41:51 PM by Blueberry »
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Libby183

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #274 on: June 14, 2018, 11:20:36 PM »
Feeling for you,  Blueberry and very much relating to your difficult days.

I agree absolutely,  that pushing through is one of the worst courses of action.  It was a mantra in my FOO,  which I felt I had to maintain.  But it is very damaging in the long run.  I hope you were able to make the decision about going to work or not, which was right for you. 

I can certainly understand how triggering anything to do with your home town is. I can see how mention of the place and the memories that are then triggered would lead to an EF,  which then gets intertwined with present day issues.

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with at the moment.  I am having a difficult time as well,  but you have helped me to find my voice again, when I haven't felt able to post for quite a while.

Take care, Blueberry.

Libby.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #275 on: June 15, 2018, 03:36:58 AM »
Thanks Libby, for posting. It helps when somebody understands and says so.

Pushing through: the T at the last retreat I was on and my doc both remind(ed) me to slow down and feel what's going on. Pushing through is the opposite of that.

At least my post helped move you to write as you said.  :)

You take care too!  :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #276 on: June 15, 2018, 04:17:53 AM »
I attempted to phone in sick today but they were Not Amused so I went. I notice how hard it is. I'm teaching adults and even though it's a small group, it's a group and my specialty is one-on-one.

Hm, yes, this Journal is about what is beneficial and constructive and this teaching doesn't seem to be. Today there were a couple of people there who weren't there last time, one of whom is pretty difficult imo. I just don't feel up to dealing. I just don't have the inner strength to stand there and show in my body language that I'm the boss, we're moving forward and not fooling about asking irrelevant questions while at the same time showing a welcoming smile in my body language, bringing about group cohesion and paying attention to the rules of the place where I'm teaching which include not calling on individual students to give an answer.

Say I'm teaching math: this would be teaching substraction, the level my students are at. 5-2=3 Let's practise similar. What do I hear? 3+2=5. Twice. From the same person. A loud mouth who knows everything. And who criticises my teaching and nit-picks and also throws in his brilliant knowledge, some of which is wrong. Which he then argues with me. That's just one downside. There's more obviously because I could hardly drag myself there today and I hadn't even met him yet.

I think the main thing is: I don't like teaching groups, I feel out of my depth. It's connected to this cptsd stuff. I've collapsed before when teaching groups and ended up not being able to get back on my feet without inpatient T. That was a good number of years ago, I thought it might have changed and to continue the math metaphor, that was one group of long division and one of geometry rather than substraction. So I had thought maybe the harder subject matter was the problem. Seems not. Today I'm beginning to realise that teaching groups may be one of many things I just cannot do and must accept.

When I got back home I did some small task in my office that I'd been putting off. One thing to help my one-on-one teaching along  :thumbup: :applause:

Now I'll get ready to go to the farm.
Should is
never good,
for me.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #277 on: June 15, 2018, 09:03:50 AM »
standing right next to you, blueberry.    :bighug:  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs, sweetie.
learn something from everything.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #278 on: June 17, 2018, 02:17:58 PM »
Thanks san!  :thumbup:  :hug:

i've just sent an email turning this teaching job down. I work freelance so I'm not compelled to give notice, my contract asks me to give 'reasonable' notice but can't compel me to. I have said I can do 2 more times in June and even July but then I'm done. If they find somebody before that, I'm more than happy to leave. I wrote I'm not the right person for the job and it's true. If the clients haven't noticed yet, they soon will. And then the company I'm workign for will be at much more of a disadvantage than just having me leaving.

I still note how hard it is. I've switched off my email to protect me from a reply. Not that one is likely to come so late in the evening. Though I have just been mailing back and forth with a computer guy who's going to bring me a new monitor this week, so some people are working this late on a Sunday. It's hard, I forgot to breathe and now I'm jittery. It's like an I.Child in me who expects to be scolded for inconveniencing someone else. Well, I'm going to put some music on and maybe i'll even manage to move to it a bit.
Should is
never good,
for me.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #279 on: June 17, 2018, 07:33:00 PM »
 :thumbup:

good for you.  sounds like you are seeing yourself more clearly and soundly about this.  that's so great.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  you're doing really well.  and i love that you turned off your email for tonite.  way to take care of yourself.  i see it as a pos. thing, very strong on knowing what's ok for you and what isn't at this particular moment.  well done.   love and hugs always, dearie.
learn something from everything.