Tentatively reconnecting with sibling

[Erebor]

Thank you both.  I'm now feeling a bit tentative again as he came round my house a couple of weeks ago and had spoken to our father the day before (who I've been no contact with for nearly a year). He'd told NF that he was coming to my house the following day which worried me in case it provoked him to turn up, then admitted that he probably shouldn't have disclosed that to him. A few days prior my brother had been saying that he was ready to distance himself from NF and that he was seeing how wrong the situation was but when I saw him after they had spoken on the phone he was saying how he has been discussing money with NF and that he was being given gifts. He then said he would always speak to NF as he's his father and that he wouldn't be involved in "whatever's going on between the two of you", which is fine by me but even though it probably wans't intentioned that way the way he phrased it made it sound like some petty quarrel which made me feel really invalidated. I think he's very enmeshed and is in quite a lot of fog, which I'm ashamed to say I find triggering. I wish I could feel strong enough to communicate more but I feel like I need to keep myself safe and concentrate on my own health too. It's very difficult!

This was a little triggering for me to read, since my sibling did something very very similar. They were supposedly just as hurt as I was by our NPD-F's abuse, but then suddenly changed tune and said that NPD-F was their father and no matter what he had done (to me specifically) it wouldn't affect how they felt about him.  In the end they turned out to be completely on NPD-F's side and yet another person I had to go NC with.

Fingers crossed that doesn't happen for you, but I would advise that you stay wary - especially in the medium to long term as it could be easy to let your guard (and boundaries) down after a while if things seem fine.

Best of luck navigating your relationship!

[Rainydaze]

Blues Cruise, your posts make me think "buyer beware."  My suspicion, hunch, paranoia (?) is that the abusive parent will figure out a way to close in on the foo members who weren't as damaged as you were.  They'll figure out a way to use them as a conduit to either hoover you back in or punish you for trying to re-frame the family narrative.  Blues Cruise, you went  into this meeting with brother in good faith, and that was brave and commendable.  But how quickly your father inserted himself into a possibly renewed sibling connection in such a way as to hurt you and re-enmesh your brother.  The only thing I've learned, in my own situation with family members, is the abusive parent will always search and find a way to hurt you, through them.  I wish this wasn't so.  Take good care, LittleBoat

I think this is essentially what's happened. I last messaged my brother back at the beginning of April and he hasn't initiated any contact with me since. I keep wondering whether I should send him a message but my gut is telling me not to as I think he's been massively love-bombed by our father and is further enmeshed, which won't bode well. I'm hurt that he could be so easily manipulated, particularly after how vulnerable I was when I shared with him what had happened to me. I didn't even really want to get in to all that, he was the one who asked then seemed completely unable to deal with the truth. He said that he had always looked up to our father (Why?!!) and was struggling to know how to speak to him after learning how I had been mistreated. So yet again the old family dynamics come into play and he's back in his old role where he doesn't have to think for himself and turns a blind eye to abuse because as long as it's not happening to him then why put his neck on the line?

I've been reading up on family roles and I see how it all fits together now. He bullied me badly as a child right into his late teens and I see now that he thought it would gain him favour from our father, who never lifted a finger to stop it. Even my mother enabled it and would half-heartedly tell him off but not punish him for hurting me. Aargh, it's all so textbook and messed up. You grow up thinking all this is normal and it's just not, it's completely toxic and unfair.  I'm shocked at how angry I am while writing this actually. I had forgiven him for it all since it happened so long ago and I knew he had been manipulated, but it doesn't stop the fact that it did have a negative impact on me.

Thank you for all the messages, your experiences are really helpful and I'm sorry that others have been through the same pain.

[finallyfree]

Hi Blues,
You are describing my own family, older brother and the exact way I was treated as well. He was their golden child, first born son and tortured us as children. No one cared, or tried to stop him and he knew he could get away with it.......................................you do tend to think it is normal, very sad. Eventually he was disowned for not going along with their dysfunctional program and marrying someone and attempting to have his own life. I think his wife is controlling too, so that did not fit into their program. I felt sorry for him and attempted to stay in touch with him and what I realized is that I was the only one reaching out at all? The last time I called he unbeknownst to me had me on speaker so his wife and child could listen? This is when I decided to let things be as they were, if he was not willing to at least meet me halfway and attempt a relationship, it was not worth having. I can forgive him for the way he abused me as a child, but I also do not miss like in all of my other relationships with my FOO, being the one that carried the entire load. Relationships are a two way street, they have to be reciprocal in some manner. Your Father I am sure jumped at the chance to hoover you through him once he saw a way in, and you are correct, I doubt this will ever stop. I commend you on how beautifully you have handled all of it and above all else protected yourself. Self preservation is the most important thing in my opinion. We were raised to only care about everyone else. Continue to stay strong and read all about dysfunctional family roles, the more I read the wider my eyes are opened and the more I am able to come to terms with all of it. All the best to you!  Finallyfree

[Rainydaze]

Hi finallyfree. 

That sounds very familiar. In my case my brother wasn't the eldest but had health issues which seemed to give him a free pass to torment me with no repercussions. As the youngest and being the only girl I was expected to put up and shut up. He was just a kid and was blatantly playing up because he knew no better, so I'm angry at my sociopathic father for encouraging it and my enabling mother for not stopping it. However, it naturally makes me very defensive in adulthood as there was never a solid foundation of trust with my brother when we were children.

NF used to do the speakerphone thing too in front of his now wife when we were in contact, which I think was intended to put me on the spot and feel outnumbered. You're right, he jumped at the chance to hoover my brother as soon as he saw that he was breaking away from him and starting to have a mind of his own. None of the lovebombing is based on any real sentiment and it's very sad. I feel he's probably my father's no. 1 plaything and main source of supply now that I'm out of the picture.

I guess I just need to stay way out of it and continue rebuilding my own sense of self. I can't 'save' other people unfortunately! Thanks for the message.

[finallyfree]

Dear Blues,
I think whatever keeps you safe and insulated from the drama and self inflicted chaos is what you should strive for. For yourself above everyone else! It is interesting, I remember the last time I saw my father in the hospital with my mother and siblings and he was so mean and rude to me completely unprovoked and I thought to myself while I sat there looking at him "I can't save you from yourself", he then called me later that day and screamed yelled cursed at me and disowned me?? So I had no choice but to accept it, and it really is true no one can save someone else, especially from themselves and their bad behavior and addictions and enmeshed lifestyle. In my opinion it is healthier to be low contact and save yourself. We owe it to ourselves. Your sibling must crawl out of the quick sand on his own. I hope your doing well and I wish you all the best!
Finallyfree