Is this self harm? Trigger warning- possibly

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I'm not sure if what I do is considered self harm or maybe a bad habit, but what I do when I'm feeling anxious is mutilate my feet, I literally pull as much skin off as I can until my feet are bleeding and then I can't walk properly and am in a lot of pain. I enjoy the release of pulling the skin off but this I think is the only satisfaction I get, not really sure what I'm achieving. Is this self harm do you think? Any ideas as to why someone would do this? Any answers greatfully received.

[Sceal]

TW
It doesn't sound like something healthy! And definitely painful. 
I used to SI with intent as either punishment or relief from whatever I was feeling or not feeling at the time.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you do that. I would call it self-harm. A lot of what you describe sounds like me pulling my hair out. In my case it doesn't get bloody, that's all. I also get some sort of satisfaction out of the release.

Hair-pulling is called Trichotillomania, if you google it, you'll find information about it, which might help you understand what you are doing. Some docs consider it a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder, or a mix of self-harm and obsessive-compulsive disorder. FWIW my docs and Ts just consider it part of the CPTSD. I consider it a type of addictive behaviour and self-harm. I've been doing it since my pre-teen years.

In inpatient treatment I came across one other patient who pulled her skin off the soles of her feel and scratched them, and another patient who'd scratch and scratch and scratch till she bled.

I've done countless attempts to stop self-harming, looked at it countless times in inpatient and outpatient treatment. It's difficult. I do it for multiple reasons, e.g. in order to zone out, so basically in order to dissociate but also in order to come back from dissociation. I do it as a type of self-punishment, can't punish or get angry at somebody else so do it to myself. I do it when I'm nervous, I do it when I'm unsure, I do it instead of caring for my hair properly, I do it when I'm feeling self-hate, I even do it to celebrate something (got that answer right! Pull). I haven't covered everything with this list.

I hope that helps you  a bit to understand. 

[Kat]

I often pick at the skin around my toenails and on my toes.  I pick enough that I do bleed.  Sometimes it's just mindless picking while I'm watching TV, but I associate it with feeling anxious.  Other times, it starts with the intention of giving myself a pedicure, but the pedicure ends up being rather bloody.  My T has pointed out that there's an element of self-care and good intentions that may feel "bad" or "wrong" to me so that I end up (unconsciously)  overdoing it and cause myself to bleed as punishment.  Skin picking and extreme nail-biting are considered forms of self-mutilation, from what I understand.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know it's definitely not 'normal ' what I do and I do get a feeling of relief when I do it. I just didn't know where the line was with habit and self harm I think in my case it's a bit of both. Thank you though for your help.

[ah]

Hmm... I agree with the others, it sounds like self harm, but that also got me thinking. Because if that's self harm, then I've been self harming since I was a baby. I can't remember a time when I didn't pick at my skin and feel relief by doing it. I guess we both developed this habit as a way to calm ourselves down.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi ah, yes it didn't occur to me that this was self harm I've looked into it and it has a name, one I can't remember tho! And yes definitely helps me feel calmer when I do it, I too have been doing this since I was a child.

[ah]

Eyessoblue,
Sigh...  I'm so sorry you've gone through this as a child, having to resort to such a visceral way to feel calmer.
I wish I could meet you when you were a child and be there for you.
But I'm also very grateful to you - thanks for writing about it, your question helped me understand something that I couldn't see on my own.

[Eyessoblue]

Ah, oh you're welcome just sad that we both are doing something to release the pain that we are feeling, if only I could find a healthy way of doing something to release the pain,  but have yet to find one!

[miaoue]

i'm new here and i do something very similar... i pick the skin on my legs and back. it's not always intentional...if there's a bump, pimple, hair follicle, scab, or anything like that i will subconsciously find it and pick it. it's weirdly comforting but i also feel such shame, especially when i open a new wound and see the blood... like, oh no why have i done this again?? and then i pick more to soothe the shame.

I do it for multiple reasons, e.g. in order to zone out, so basically in order to dissociate but also in order to come back from dissociation. I do it as a type of self-punishment, can't punish or get angry at somebody else so do it to myself.

Blueberry- you've blown my mind a little with your explanations of why you do it. I think i share some of your reasons. sometimes i'll go into a kind of trance while picking my skin...and it feels calming and peaceful even though objectively it's an act of self-harm. i'll do it to ease strong emotions, make them tangible maybe?, or when i'm already in pain and feel desperate/scared.

i was diagnosed with OCD at a pretty young age and i can see why picking is considered part of it... the nature of the urge is very similar, it's *strong* but not in a way that takes over violently...it's more like a need that builds up, and i can't relax until i give in to it. there's not necessarily a payoff from the action itself so much as relief from the urge. At the same time, it doesn't really fit with my OCD as expressed in desire for cleanliness or perfection at all. it does damage and introduces infection! which kind of flies in the face of germophobia and a need for absolute order. so i'm still not sure if it makes sense as an OCD symptom for me.

[Blueberry]

i'm new here

Welcome to the forum! Glad you're here.  (Sorry you need us though.)

sometimes i'll go into a kind of trance while picking my skin...and it feels calming and peaceful even though objectively it's an act of self-harm.

i was diagnosed with OCD at a pretty young age and i can see why picking is considered part of it... the nature of the urge is very similar, it's *strong* but not in a way that takes over violently...it's more like a need that builds up, and i can't relax until i give in to it. there's not necessarily a payoff from the action itself so much as relief from the urge. At the same time, it doesn't really fit with my OCD as expressed in desire for cleanliness or perfection at all. it does damage and introduces infection! which kind of flies in the face of germophobia and a need for absolute order. so i'm still not sure if it makes sense as an OCD symptom for me.

That's interesting for me what you write about OCD. I was given the diagnosis for a while, presumably because of pulling my hair out and maybe a few other things I do which could be seen to be OC like being perfectionist in certain aspects of my life. Being perfectionist in my case seems to stem from being ridiculed and criticised so much as a child, and is as such part of the CPTSD. Not being perfect in those ways felt like a death sentence.

This "it's more like a need that builds up, and i can't relax until i give in to it. there's not necessarily a payoff from the action itself so much as relief from the urge." is interesting for me too. I have another form of self-harm I developed as a child to deal with CSA. This is exactly how I would describe that.  I'm pretty much abstinent from that type now. I worked on it in therapy a long time, and my T found something that helps me nip it in the bud before I start.

[Missing Mermaid]

Hi, I'm not sure if what I do is considered self harm or maybe a bad habit, but what I do when I'm feeling anxious is mutilate my feet, I literally pull as much skin off as I can until my feet are bleeding and then I can't walk properly and am in a lot of pain. I enjoy the release of pulling the skin off but this I think is the only satisfaction I get, not really sure what I'm achieving. Is this self harm do you think? Any ideas as to why someone would do this? Any answers greatfully received.

I know I am very late to this thread. I did just join. I wanted to reach out bc this hits home. I don't even realize when I am doing it and it is so gross but I pull out toe nails. Mostly during a flashback or Intrusive thoughts and I don't realize until after. I hate it.