"Spiritual" Abuse, an article

[woodsgnome]

My recovery/path to wholeness path began in a heavy layer of abuses perpetrated by self-proclaimed spiritual people. As I later learned and as is reiterated in the following article, they really were more fake "spiritual" people; not at all resembling anything higher or sacred than their own twisted minds. It took me years to undo this, a work still in progress.

Meanwhile, as author Jeff Foster points out below, a new legion of pretend spiritual people has risen who claim the spiritual tag as well. And, like those before, they're doing more damage than the good they think they're about. Anyway, I thought to share it here, as there are probably others who've been treated this way during their own journey. It's truly awful for these new "spiritual" saviours to be playing the same game. Even if the new crowd of spiritual fakers adopts great names like non-dualists and the like, if they still treat those listening to them with the same old guilt-trips, well...enough said...here's the article:

ON ABUSE AND "SPIRITUALITY"

"You attracted it because you desired it".
"If you think there's a problem with another's words or actions,
YOU are the one who's confused".
"Everything is just your projection. Everything is in your mind".
"Clear up your vibration and you'll stop attracting bad things to yourself".
"You are too attached to the body. Go beyond the body. It's not who you are."
"If you have doubts, fears, resistance, pain, anger, then you must be in your ego and totally unenlightened".
"The past is an illusion. Let it go right now!".

Ugh. I'm so tired of all this New Age spiritual b*@(*%^s. I'm tired of ANY spirituality that doesn't fully honour our messy, unresolvable, first-hand, real-time, embodied human experience. That doesn't bow deeply to the struggle of our raw and tender hearts. That guilt-trips us for our imperfections and shames our limitations.

No, it's not always your projection.
Yes, sometimes other people really ARE abusive.
No, everything isn't always "in your mind".
Yes, your body matters. Your feelings too.
No, your doubts and fears are not 'wrong' or 'bad' or 'unevolved'.
No, you do not 'attract' abuse through a faulty 'vibrational frequency'.
No, you do not deserve to be violated in any way, in the name of Truth, in the name of God, in the name of Love, or IN ANY OTHER NAME.
Yes, your boundaries deserve to be respected, your 'yes' AND your 'no' too.
No, it's not okay for spiritual teachers to abuse people "for their own good"
- to shock them into awakening, to enlighten them, to help them drop their "ego".
Teachers that use abuse as a tool are simply abusers, not teachers.

I reject any spirituality that dismisses our tender, vulnerable, fragile humanity.
I reject any spirituality that shames us for our precious human thoughts and feelings.
I reject any spirituality that begins any sentence with "If you were enlightened..."
I reject any spirituality that divides self from no self, divine from human, sacred from profane, absolute from relative, heaven from earth, duality from nonduality, material from spiritual.

I once saw a popular spiritual teacher addressing a recently bereaved woman.
He said, "Your heartbreak is illusory and only the activity of the separate self.
One day the separate self will vanish, along with all suffering".
And in that moment, I saw a deep, deep sickness and inhumanity at the heart of contemporary spirituality. The invalidation of trauma, the false promises, the power games, the suppression of the feminine.

And I vowed to bow to that damn broken heart as if it were God Herself.
Until the end of time.

[ah]

I once saw a popular spiritual teacher addressing a recently bereaved woman.
He said, "Your heartbreak is illusory and only the activity of the separate self.
One day the separate self will vanish, along with all suffering".
And in that moment, I saw a deep, deep sickness and inhumanity at the heart of contemporary spirituality. The invalidation of trauma, the false promises, the power games, the suppression of the feminine.

And I vowed to bow to that damn broken heart as if it were God Herself.
Until the end of time.

I was so moved when I read that the first time, because I was told these things so many times. I still would be if I had still been talking to people 

I find his words stunningly piercing and accurate.
I can add a few more examples from my own experience:

"Ask yourself: what is the lesson that your soul needed to learn from it? When you learn the lesson, it will go away!"

One family member actually said this to my mother about me once: "Your child is severely disabled because it's a lesson your soul needs to learn. It's still going on because you haven't learned the lesson."

I just shook my head in disbelief and sadness when I heard about it. So I'll apparently vanish from the world when someone else learns "their lesson"? I'll just  ?

I've also been told:

"If you meditated well, you would heal yourself."
"This happened to you because you meditated really badly."
"Pain is good! You'll be less attached to the body!"
"Poverty is good! You'll have less attachment to your possessions!"
"It's all your own projection. Overcome your ignorance!"
"If you talk about bad things, you're a bad person."
"Everything is an illusion."
"I won't let you ruin this experience for me with your negativity."
"Love others and your anger toward them will go away."
"There's no objective reality. Everything is in your head."

The hardest for me was a spiritual teacher who... erm... said,
"You need to understand that this is your fault."

[Phoebes]

I once had a "friend" that said I attracted my abusive mother in a former life.  So, I have an abusive mother because I attracted her. It's my fault I was born to an abusive mother. yippee.  :stars:We aren't friends anymore.

[Blueberry]

I had a T who said something like this too, Phoebes. Except it was worse. Her suggestion was it was like karma. I'd done something bad to M in a former life. Possibly when the tables were turned, i.e. I was in a position of power over her 

[Phoebes]

 
I guess we "attracted" these spiritual abusers into our lives because how dare us be looking for answers and solutions to the mind (&(^(& that was our childhood. <sarcasm>  That's the most messed up thing I've ever hear a therapist as having said.

[ah]

That's the most messed up thing I've ever hear a therapist as having said.

it really is.  yikes.

I've been told the thing about karma too too, that abuse is what I deserve. Over and over. I've been told to accept my karma lovingly 
I can only imagine people giving such advice have a hangnail or a bad hair day in mind, not severe relentless abuse. They imagine the type of pain they can imagine, based on their own experiences.
That really is the most messed up thing I've ever heard a therapist as having said, too. 

[Three Roses]

oy vey  the things we've been told! Lies! 

[woodsgnome]

"Past lives" and "karma", whatever that's supposed to mean, is just another form of 'blame the victim' or say something/anything to explain senselessness. Easy answers, hidden behind a veneer of spiritual 'wisdom' (more accurately known as spiritual bypass). All of which doesn't do a thing except enhance re-traumatization via avoiding the core issues.

Many religious approaches specialize in this flippant form of abuse; sometimes they don't even realize they're doing it--they're the smug holy ones, after all. It's an attitude, however, that easily translates to other authority figures, like therapists.

Sadly, it's yet another thing to be wary of with certain therapists; it's a slippery slope than can boomerang on those of us desperately seeking honest help, not shrouded within religious/spiritual dogma.

[sanmagic7]

i think my favorite (not!) was when i was told that i chose my family before birth.  it also had something to do with having lessons to learn.  o my heart!

the other one that i've always had a problem with is 'this is god's plan for you'.  what?

[ah]

oy vey  the things we've been told! Lies! 

I'm a bit ashamed to admit this but... I do believe it when I'm told that. I've been told these things so many times by authority figures, and I have a really hard time shaking off my belief that they were 100% right.
I guess it fits too snugly in with my inner critic, says exactly what it tells me.

I guess it might be lies, I know for sure it's unkind sounding - I'd be horrified to imagine it being said to anyone else but me - but... I still believe them    I'm an awful evil person and that's why my life is awfully evil to me.

[sanmagic7]

all i can say, ah, is that an awful, evil person would not be posting on this forum, would not be a supportive person like you have been, and would not care about others in pain, as you have shown you care.  just those 3 things about you refute that nasty ICr, and the lies you've been told about yourself and why anything's happened to you.  my opinion, of course.   

[ah]

all i can say, ah, is that an awful, evil person would not be posting on this forum, would not be a supportive person like you have been, and would not care about others in pain, as you have shown you care.  just those 3 things about you refute that nasty ICr, and the lies you've been told about yourself and why anything's happened to you.  my opinion, of course.   

Thanks so much  looking at it like that, I can see my slight logical error there but of course I still believe them.
Problem is nearly all of my abusers are still at it. I'm still called evil now. It never stopped for a minute, I'm marinated deep in it.
But I'll try to think of what you say even if I can't feel it.

Thank you, kind supportive person that you are