Been withdrawn, and have lied to my Bf.

[silver_lining]

Hi Everyone,

As the subject says, over the last six-seven months, my symptoms, & communication style, fear of abandonment & flight type have been severely activated. Conflict arises, I feel threatened, and want to leave (we live together). I understand now, especially in hindsight how wrong of a way this is to communicate to my spouse. Over the months, last summer, we agreed that I couldn't live here until I got into a intensive program, so  left the house and moved in with my paternal grandmother.During that time frame though,  I'd go out with a girlfriend, which we'd do all kinds of things together, hiking, lake, country dancing (which involved me drinking), got to get our nails done, food, concerts... & I never mentioned it to my spouse. In the begining he knew I was hanging out with  friend named X, but he didn't know how often, or that we'd go out (together!) quite frequently.

During those times, of course, everything came out. Id call him in the middle of the night after dancing, drunk. He'd pick me up, and would be furious, because, I withheld information for what I was doing. During this time, in my mind, because we said I shouldn't live at home until I got into a program, I just wanted to ignore?  avoid him? Not come over, to I suppose avoid more conflict.... I did eventually get into a program, which took 2 1/2 months. Thing is, I ended up moving back in, because, he had picked me up the night before night at E's house,I was under the influence, drunk, and  he was furious (Her and I, along with her parents went to a concert together, and drank). He ended up picking me up, taking me home, and the next morning it was a whammy situation. It came down to, me needing to move back in, get into program which I started the next week, and to also drop all contact and not be friends with

I don't know what I'm looking foreign typing this, But I guess I just wanted a few of yours opinions, comments and advice.
PS: I have committed myself to being completely honest, not going out dancing, ofr being friends with e as well as will be starting more therapy, and groups.
Sorry my post is a little all over the place
Thanks,
Silver

[Three Roses]

Silver, you haven't mentioned therapy for a while, are you still seeing a therapist?

[radical]

Hi Silver
It sounds like you are in terrible turmoil and pain.  It must be a really difficult time.

It isn't clear what sort of "intensive programme" your spouse believed you should participate in.  There is one thing I feel i should say, especially if you have a problem with alcohol,:  if you drink, you could cause the baby you are carrying irreparable harm via foetal alcohol syndrome.  Therefore, if you feel you may not be able to stop yourself from drinking, and choose to continue with the pregnancy, you will probably need to find some kind of programme, whether it be AA or whatever, to help you stay sober.

I'm not judging, believe it or not.  I don't know if you have a problem with alcohol or not, and I admire how honest you are able to be about your struggles. 

This is such a difficult and painful position,to be in.  CPTSD is so hard at the best of times.  I feel for you.

[silver_lining]

Hi Three Roses,
Yes and no, I am technically still in my therapy. But, a few weeks ago my therapist recommended we put it on "hold" at least until I'm able to continue with the PE therapy. I don't agree with the choice of stopping therapy completely, but the do agree with the Pe T. Unfortunately, atm this is the best program I could find with my insurance. Now, I do have the option, to stay with my therapist and go into a DBT program that would be a mandatory of a year long program thats three days a week, with cutting out the PE therapy, or I can do it with in conjunction of the PE. I haven't decided yet which is best.

Radical,
Thanks for your input. I realize how my predicament looks and hear you 100%.  If we were to go off of Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving, I just realized now with all my behaviors, and maladaptive coping mechanism, i'd be considered, A freeze <-> flight type. From this starting point I can now better attune my coping styles and behaviors. I appreciate your concern about  the Fetal Alcohol too, and just wanted you to know. I'm not an alcoholic, but do at time drink as a way to cope. Since my pregnancy, which Im six weeks, I haven't gotten drunk at all. That being said, a baby can still develop Fetal Alcohol syndrome from consuming alcohol three months before conception, so with that basis in mind I am definitely at risk.   

After some serious reflecting, talking with one of my therapists, and researching, I know what I need to do to move forward.
Therapy, support, couple counseling and commitment to these things are so so important. Also, I will be having my abortion this week, and I believe that it is the best choice given my predicament. (My apologies to anyone whose solely pro life). I can't bring a child into this world without being fully prepared, that is emotionally, financially, relationally... I want to have a child when I know the child will have a good, healthy life. Not like the childhood we grew up in.

Thanks again,

Silver

[Blueberry]

Silver, you sound clearer.

I personally believe that it is a woman's choice to abort or not and so I don't think that you need to apologise to anybody on here for that. It's clear from your first post and this one that it's not been a knee-jerk reaction but something you thought about.

I wish you well, it seems it's not an easy time for you on many fronts.

 

[radical]

I'm sad this has been so hard, but glad that you seem to have found clarity in deciding the best direction from here.  I know it won't have been an easy decision, and that it was one of those situations which involve pain and hardship no matter what.

I can only offer my support, and send hugs (if you want them)

Will be thinking of you