Feeling lonely and forsaken

[PeTe]

I feel lonely like I've done so many times before. I'm also thinking that the future doesn't hold much good for me.

Partly this is something I really feel - I would wish to have more friends and more of a social life. Partly this is an EF, where my first reaction is to say to myself that I'm not able to do anything substantial to change my situation. On the other hand, I feel like I do small steps, and try to take some bigger too. What triggers me I think is being rejected when I take the initiative. I asked a girl for a date on facebook, and she didn't even reply. I took the initiative to meet some old friends from university, and they've postponed twice now (for good reasons), whereas setting new dates is really slow. I tried calling an old friend of mine a month ago, who's very busy with two small kids, and he hasn't had the time to talk to me yet. Another old friend hasn't contacted me for months, even though he knows I'm having a hard time, and suddenly I saw on facebook that he's moving. Probably this has to do with when I was bullied, and even before that, with a father that was really distanced and often didn't respond to my initiatives. I remember I kind of gave him up when I was 3 y o, and I think that's heartbreakingly early. Those experiences were pretty tough for me, and probably explain part of why I don't see a bright future.

When someone contacts me or takes the initiative to do something, I in a way put a low value on that, saying to myself that it doesn't mean anything or that they might change/turn on me.

When I don't see a good future for myself, and preferably sharing it with someone I love, I give up a bit. Not properly taking care of myself, like not always bothering to brush my teeth, excercise, eat healthy, reach out to people, treating myself kindly etc. Sometimes I've handled this by playing, like I used to handle a tough situation as a teenager. Now I'm handling it more by learning stuff (still in front of my computer), like I used to handle a tough situation in primary school. Also I feel the urge to drink to tackle the situation, like I sometimes did when studying, though now I sometimes take a couple of glasses on my own.

Feeling lonely really sucks. It's just like such a drain on all the positive feelings, and I guess in some ways carpet difficult feelings, letting them build up.

[Three Roses]

Nothing to say except "I hear you" Pete. 

[radical]

I feel for you, and relate to everything you have said.
I wish there was a way I could take those horrible feelings away, but i can't.

Please fight against believing the voice in your head that says you are worth less and that it will always be this way.  You are worthy, you are a good person, with so many gifts.  Others will better see how wonderful you are when you believe it.  I know that might sound like just another cliche, but I have found it to be true in my own life.  it is hard to work against conditioning but so worth.

Please be kind to your good self.

[PeTe]

Thanks for your support. I'm going to set aside time to appreciate good things. Writing down a few positive things and, thinking aobut them. Hope it can help me to get a more stable sense of friendships and positivity in my life.

[sigiriuk]

Dear Pete
Thanks for sharing this. I can see that it is difficult for you to open up.
It is a positive thing to share with the right people......that is the people here: people, like you who want to get better.
It makes me feel more real, when you choose to talk about difficult stuff to the group...it validates me.

My take on this, is that you have shown us the healthy part of yourself, the part that will not be crushed, and fights to survive, and speaks your truth.

best
Slim