Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality

[Hope67]

Possible Triggers (warning) in this section - talking about anger and angry parts of myself.

I wasn't going to write in this section again till I had something more 'formulated' or 'coherent' to say, but now that I think about it, I think 'Just write' - maybe it will make sense to people who might be reading it, and in anycase, write it for yourself and your 'different parts' - and hopefully it will make some sense.

Anyway, since I've been reading the book by Janina Fisher, I have been experiencing more instances of 'getting in touch' with my 'parts' or 'inner children' or 'wounded/hurt/angry' parts - and 'recognising them' more.  But it's been a bit frightening at the same time, because I realise that during some periods in my life - it's as if I was 'taken over' by a dominant part - which made me 'act' in a certain way, and that maybe I wasn't as 'in control' as I'd like to think I was.  Also, I've noticed that it's like a 'curtain' can come down over some memories - and they can even be memories of when I was older, not just the ones from my childhood - and it's as if something protects me from areas that it thinks are 'taboo' for me - or that might 'hurt me'. 

Also, I felt that the last couple of days, the inner parts were 'rushing out' to be 'heard' and I felt a bit 'over-whelmed' - well actually very over-whelmed at times.  When I was crying infront of my partner, I felt like I was a very little girl - not an adult woman, and I felt very scared and wondered if he thought I was a bit 'mad'.  Luckily he was caring and protective in his reply/response. 

Just writing that now, makes me feel tearful - I guess I fear potentially losing him, if I become too 'needy' or whatever other emotion drives me. 

Also, there was an incredibly 'angry' part of me surfacing, to the extent that swear words were coming to my mind, and I never use those words in my normal life - only if I'm in the car and driving - when somehow I can swear more openly.   

I also noticed that I need to tell the 'angry part' not to over-react if my partner's feet come close to me - because there's part of me wants to punch, hit and kick him, and I need to remind myself that he's not going to hurt me.  He loves me.

I feel very emotional and raw writing this, so again, it's hitting a 'nerve' - now I wonder if it's ok to write this in this part of the forum - but the thing is that it's relating to 'acknowledging different 'parts' of me - and I wanted to share it here, to see if others relate - because it would be good to hear validation or any perspectives.

I am going to do some 'grounding' things today - just household kind of things - and that's ok.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

Sending hugs. I identify with what you are going through. Keep reading on in the book. It will explain about befriending your parts and having compassion for all of them even the ones you might think of as negative, i.e. angry parts. I found it easier to befriend and comfort the sad parts more than the angry ones but they are hurting as much or more.

It was overwhelming to me as well. I wrote about my parts. I listed them. I gave them 'names' or titles like sad one, fearful one, invisible one, shamed one, etc. But it wasn't until I found my 'going on with normal life' adult self that I could help these parts. I wrote to them as if they were separate from my adult self. That was a new way of thinking to me and has helped my adult self to 'grow up' a bit and be heard. The author mentions that even small things like standing up straight or sitting tall can help to give your parts comfort in that there is a 'big' person there to help.

So please, read on, and use this to help you see yourself with self-compassion. Just the fact that we 'get' this speaks of the horrible things we went through that caused us to become fragmented selves. Always know that you are not alone. We will help each other.

[Hope67]

Hi Whobuddy,
Your comments makes perfect sense to me - and thank you so much - because it really helps - and I agree that reading on in the book about how to befriend the parts - that's so helpful - I know it's not going to be an easy process, but I can already feel the benefits of relating to the parts differently - and recognising them as 'wounded' parts rather than as 'me' - it also helps me to understand more the night terrors, and how sometimes I can be so 'disorientated' when I first come round/awake from one of those, and how at those moments, I am more blended to the frightened/scared/terrified young child, rather than my own adult self. 

You said at the end of your reply "Always know that you are not alone.  We will help each other." - I totally agree with that - thank you - we can all be here for each other. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

It was overwhelming to me as well. I wrote about my parts. I listed them. I gave them 'names' or titles like sad one, fearful one, invisible one, shamed one, etc. But it wasn't until I found my 'going on with normal life' adult self that I could help these parts. I wrote to them as if they were separate from my adult self. That was a new way of thinking to me and has helped my adult self to 'grow up' a bit and be heard. The author mentions that even small things like standing up straight or sitting tall can help to give your parts comfort in that there is a 'big' person there to help.

So please, read on, and use this to help you see yourself with self-compassion. Just the fact that we 'get' this speaks of the horrible things we went through that caused us to become fragmented selves. Always know that you are not alone. We will help each other.

Hi again WhoBuddy,
I came back here today, because I think I 'met' another 'part of me' last night in my sleep and dreamful waking state - and I've just re-read what you wrote, and was amazed that your descriptions i.e. 'sad one' 'fearful one' almost replicate the 2 'wounded parts' I've so far 'met'.

Last night, I was experiencing pains in my head again, and also feeling as if I was light-headed, and that my hands were going numb with the circulation being cut-off, and I actually feared that I "might die" - so I actually wondered if I'd be alive today - and yet, it was like I was 'blended' with a very wounded part of me that had clearly feared the high levels of anxiety that she had to endure as a child, and I think that I must have 'felt like that' as a child - and there's a horrible depressive malaise that comes with that feeling - I felt 'blended' with her, for much of the night, until I was able to then think - 'No, that's not 'me' - that's the wounded part' - and I felt pleased that she had felt able to show herself to me - she was older than 'Little Hope' (the very small girl that's been showing me her memories of 'The Woman in the Mirror' and other memories - this one I think is whom I'd call 'The Depressed and fearful one' - she is scared that we'll all die.

I'm not sure what to do with this experience - except that I've 'accepted it' and in the light of day, I realise I am ok, I am very much alive, and I am going to just 'go with' whatever else is shown to me over the next few days.

Now, instead of worrying about whatever feelings, thoughts and emotions I'm having, I'm trying to step back and analyse 'which part' is feeling that, thinking that, reacting. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that here - and I relate to what you said - thank you. 

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

 

I can't write much now but I think of you often and send warm thoughts and hugs. This is difficult terrain to be sure.

[Hope67]

Hi Whobuddy,
Thank you  - I really appreciate you saying that, and  to you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

WhoBuddy - thinking of you when I write this, because I am finding that it is quite amazing how many snippets of memory and how much the different parts of me seem to be 'communicating with me' now - that I've started the process of focusing on my different parts - I have started to do the Communication Circle exercise in Janina's book, and I've only done it a couple of times, but now I am going to make it a daily practice, because although I didn't experience 'much' when I first did it, I have found that in the hours 'afterwards' - my parts keep showing me things.

What I've noticed is that just as parts have 'shown' me something, there also appears to be a part that acts as a 'part to rub out the memories again' - which makes it hard to capture them for later thinking about - and I know that I tend to 'forget' any things that are emotionally upsetting - or which might be upsetting to some particular part of me - it's as if there's a protector part who 'rubs things out' - and I thought about what SanMagic had said to me when she commented that I don't have a pen and paper by my bed, because maybe the protector part of me is resistant or actually doesn't want me to necessarily remember some things yet - as it believes I can't cope or tolerate it.

But I am feeling more comfortable about the 'process' now - whereas last week I would have described myself as being 'thrown about' by the 'roller-coaster' aspect of things, as I found it hard not to blend with the emotional parts, and now I am finding that I can distance safely, and begin to try to connect and communicate.  I feel like I 'know' a bit better what I'm doing - although it is clearly early days in it.

I just wanted to share that here, and hope that you read this - as I think you do pop back to this thread, and also the 'book thread' too - I just wondered if you have experienced a similar process - which of the Appendices are you relying on most?  I like all of the methods she suggests, and I guess I try each of them from time to time, but the circular meditation is one that I think I can do daily.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

Hope,
It is lovely that you think of me. Thank you!

I liked the story in the book about the woman who used rubber duckies of different colors to represent her parts. I got stuck on that thought and I found some little plush toys to represent many of my parts. This developed into keeping one in particular next to my computer. He is the one that is my protector part. The toy looks to me like a cross between someone in bandages and armor. Which is a accurate representation of my protector. He pushes me to do things for survival often beyond what I should do. Then gets wounded, hence the bandages. So I look at this 'part' throughout my day and promise him that I will try to have compassion for him and not let him put 'us' in such painful positions anymore.

This has made me more mindful of trying to process too much, too fast. It reminds me to give myself permission to slow down and even say no to things that are not resonating as appropriate at the time.

[Hope67]

Hi WhoBuddy,
Yes, I also liked that part where the woman used the coloured duckies to represent her parts, and thank you for sharing that you have your 'protector part' by your computer - and I think it's great that you've used the plush toys to represent many of your parts - I'm at the stage where I'm going to develop my diagram drawings more, but I think I need something more tangible - and so I will be thinking about how to best 'represent' them.

I also like where it said about the options for certain parts to 'stay at home' in scenarios where some of them might be frightened of a particular action or thing that the 'real life/normal life' part needs to do - and I am beginning to use this - in terms of checking out if all my parts want to join me for different things, or whether any of them want to stay safe at home, and wait till I get back. 

I've also asked them if they'll 'join me' in being more creative - and I want to do some Art or some writing - and I want to see if they'll help me with that - because I realise I'm stuck in those spheres - and can't seem to 'allow' myself to do either of those things at the moment, and I really think it would be good for me.

I think what you wrote about being more mindful of trying to process too much, too fast - that is such great and wise words to say, WhoBuddy - I have tried to tackle that by telling my parts that I am happy for them to share things with me, but that I can only handle a few things at a time, and asking them to be gentle with me - but so far it's been not too bad, because I actually feel empathic towards them - because I can now understand more.  I am also getting in touch with some angry parts and a part that wants to rub things out - and I need to try to ask if maybe that part can trust me more.

I remember you said previously that you were surprised by the number of parts, and I feel the same - there are many of them.  I have recognised the pre-verbal ones, as they literally make my head hurt, or my throat, or my stomach - it can vary depending on which part - but I am beginning to recognise 'patterns' - and also images connected to those parts too.

Your final sentence, where you said that you can say "no to things that are not resonating as appropriate at the time" - I very much appreciate that sentence, and I think it is sensible - and I hope that I will adhere to that as well - as it sounds like it makes complete sense.

I am going to continue to use the book and work through the exercises in the Appendices, and also dip back into the chapters as and when I need to remind myself - as I feel I get more out of it each time I do look back.  Such a great book. 

But even better to be able to discuss it with people here - and thank you, Whobuddy - it's a process that feels quite challenging but also quite incredible to me at the moment.  I was feeling a bit flat earlier on, but just writing about this today and sharing these thoughts with someone - it's very helpful.  Thank you!

Hope 

[Eljay]

Hello everyone, this is a great post. It's so important to acknowledge our different  aspects of ourselves that make us our whole self. Honour them and respect them because they are a part of us, apart of us that helped us to survive. I don't feel a diffent identity in each aspect, I know they are all a part of me, just each  with a  different set of emotions and needs, associated to the traumas that I experienced and had to endure.  Thank you all for you posts. They really are helpful. 🙏🏼

[Hope67]

Hello Eljay,
Thank you for saying what you said about this post, and I'm glad you've found the contents to be helpful.  I was inspired to read Janina Fisher's book by WhoBuddy, who recommended it, and it's been so helpful in my journey so far - and I'm glad to hear that you have found this forum, because it is such a validating and great place - so many people here who understand and 'get it'.

Wishing you well in your own journey, and hope to see you around here - there's lots to read - so many helpful sections in the forum, and writing a personal Journal can also be really therapeutic - I am on my second one now, and yet when I joined the forum at first, I was scared to even write here.  But I've become braver and also felt it's a place I can write and not feel negatively judged - the reactions and responses from people are so helpful and validating.

Hope 

[fullofsoundandfury]

Yeah, what the heck is with this?

I'm noticing it too. I have been for a few years but it's another one of those things I just stop looking at too closely if things get too real.

I definitely have Protectors. They're scary to outsiders. They're a bit toxic. They don't always see things very clearly or fairly.

I'm quite sure I don't have DID (although if I was the host, I wouldn't necessarily know even if I did, I'd feasibly be the last person on the earth to know. DID is all about hiding).

There are such distinct parts in me with different objectives and opinions. They have different jobs or roles.

I swing between distinct lifestyles and modes of being too.

Just today I was driving home thinking of a strategy to eat, because I don't get hunger signals due to too much flight or fright. I know I've not eaten if I get weak. Not sustainable forever. And the thought occurred to me: just pull up the guy who will make you eat well, let him be active. As though there is a complete self in here, dormant, who could take charge of it so 'I' didn't have to. That was a suggestion that came from inside my own mind to another part of the mind that didn't know that was a possibility.

Another EXTREMELY concerning thing is the memory gaps. Oh my God. I forget 99% of my life, distant past and recent.

And another is that at work I'll see I've done something but have absolutely zero memory of having done it.....? And I have maybe two or three memories total of being at work? I know  I am physically there, I have a vague, dreamlike memory that I've been there all year, but only a couple actual memories of things that have happened, and they both involve the same room upstairs.

And last night I looked at one of my old university essays from two weeks ago, an annotated bibliography that was meant to inform my research report. And I was reading it like, who wrote this?! I do not have the capacity for that level of academia. But this body definitely wrote it, submitted it and received the grade for it. But 'I' can't do it! I have an essay overdue now and I'm kind of stumped on this idea that it wasn't me who wrote that....

The more I write the more unusual this seems. Maybe I should tell Therapist.

[EZ Linus]

I just wanted to tell everyone here that my T has helped me a lot with using Fraser's "Dissociative Table Technique" where all my "parts" are seated around an imaginary table (I wound up making a little painting of all of them) and we use it in therapy to discuss who is aware of whom, and who was present during difficult moments in my life. I have added some, and so far one has morphed into something else. There is a very critical one who has a dragon on top of her head, a  doomsday black hole person, a child, an adult/reasonable person, etc... Lately we have used it with EMDR, but not all my parts are invited when we do those sessions. Some are kept in a cage.

[Hope67]

Hi Fullofsoundandfury - I find your writings about your parts really interesting - I've only just read what you wrote today - I've been away from the internet for a bit, and returned just a little while back. 

Hi EZ Linus - I will look at Fraser's "Dissociative Table Technique" - it sounds similar to Janina's inviting people to a circle/meeting kind of thing, and I had been meaning to keep a regular practice of connecting to my 'parts' - and seeing who turns up - but I've not been as disciplined or regular with that as I had hoped.  But I am mindful of it, and hope to try to get some kind of regularity to it.  I think you did really well to do a painting of them - I am a little fearful so far of painting or drawing about my feelings/thoughts, as I am fearful - or a part of me is fearful about it.  But I would like to do that.  I think I will do it - when the time feels right. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I have just re-read the whole of this - from the beginning, and I find it fascinating to see what I wrote, and also the replies of everyone - I know that I wrote what I wrote, but at the same time, I find it really amazing that I did write what I wrote - and I am so grateful to everyone who has replied here.  I'm going to try to use the Meditation Circle again - and also look up the Dissociative Table Technique that EZ Linus has mentioned - as I am hoping to try to connect more to my parts - on this road towards integration.

I'm now reading another book - also about Dissociation, and it's very useful, but I was beginning to feel a bit over-whelmed - which is ok - I just need to pace myself. 

Hope