Who am I without the symptoms?

Started by Cookido, February 04, 2018, 12:04:43 AM

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Cookido

Not sure where to discuss this but I wanted to share it at least. I found out via a subreddit on cptsd, that a symptom of high anxiety is making up stories before bed in order to relax because the created world is a safe space.

This information really crushed me. Once again, a part of something I viewed as being me, my identity I guess, became another symptom of this disorder. It felt like a part of me got ripped out. How can I view a symptom as positive? How do other people fall asleep? What am I without the symptoms?

I decided, * it, I can't deal with this. I can't sleep without my second world. I've never had issues sleeping because of it, and I'm afraid to loose it. I'm scared that more things that used to be me turns out to be symptoms.

After the experience I've been more off than usual, hollow and dissociating. I guess I feel kinda lost at the moment, and very tired.

Three Roses

If i may suggest an alternative way to look at it -  perhaps that is one of the symptoms of a traumatic past, but does it always have to be? Perhaps in you it has nothing to do with trauma but is just an expression of your creativity.

DecimalRocket

I'd say symptoms have to do with a certain unhealthy way of expressing who we are, but the specific ways we show symptoms still tell us about ourselves. A creative person might imagine a fantasy to run away from reality. A hardworking person may put too many tasks on their checklist. A kind person could emphasize other's needs before their own too much. An analytic person may worry with their overactive minds too much on understanding a confusing situation.

When we have a problem in our life such as CPTSD, these are often seen as weaknesses, but they also can serve as strengths at the same time in other scenarios. As time passes, while one thing can be more negative more than positive and vice versa, there always seem to be a benefit and a consequence to nearly everything. Life becomes clear when we see both - to be grateful and motivated for and to see the bad as warnings for what we can avoid and fix.

Who knows? Maybe that creative person could express their pain in the most talented art. Maybe the hardworking person can have the ability to discipline themselves for a healthy lifestyle - mentally and physically. Maybe the kind person could learn to be kind to themselves, and so be more accepting of the flaws they see in themselves that are in others too. Maybe that analytic person could analyze their worries in a way that allows them to understand their situation more to know how to solve it.

:hug: if you need one.

ah

I think there's so much more to us than just our symptoms.

I make up stories and use imagination, I feel it's an asset. We all do it to some extent, this ability may be one of the main differences between us and every other animal on the planet. And our mental abilities also enable us to learn about trauma and help ourselves deal with it.

I meditate every day, I try to at least... and it involves a lot of mental acrobatics. It isn't a symptom, it's a skill that helps me understand what I'm feeling, ground myself, learn self acceptance, all good things using imagination.

What you read there sounds to me a bit unkind and narrow, to be honest... taking a good thing and seeing it as a pathology. I'm so sorry it hurt you and left you feeling so weakened and empty.  :no:

I think the pathology in our lives is not in us, it's in all the chronic experiences that caused out pain. Our reactions are totally normal in the abnormal circumstances we had to endure.

Contessa

I'm sorry that this was an upsetting revelation Cookido. To me, creative thinking as a strategy for sleep might possibly be related to anxiety yes, but surely not all who suffer anxiety would implement it. Similarly, it sounds like a lovely strategy to switch off to whether someone has anxiety or not.

Rhetorically, would guided sleep meditation fall into the same category? Is a subreddit a reputable source of information anyhow?

I'm no doctor, but I'd sooner call it a good sleep strategy - PTSD or not - than a symptom.

sanmagic7

i find that thinking about our healing porch before sleep comes is often a comfort and relaxing effort that enables me to fall asleep more easily.  i've also been disturbed by learning that something else is a symptom that i have, and i've too often translated it as something else is wrong with me.

in a way, it's been positive to discover some of these symptoms in order to have a focus or goal for resolution, or for understanding and clarification of distressing thoughts/actions that i might encounter in my own life.  however, what you're reporting, cookido, at least to my mind, is a very creative way to help yourself get to sleep.  if it's a sign of anxiety, then it looks like you've discovered a lovely solution for a possible problem.

i give you a lot of credit for creating those stories for yourself.  i think they're a very good thing you've incorporated into your life.  i don't think it matters too much why - you've made a safe place for yourself in which to get healing sleep.   that's what ultimately counts, doesn't it?  i'd say so.  well done, sweetie.   :hug:

MyPrison1965

I think the pathology in our lives is not in us, it's in all the chronic experiences that caused out pain. Our reactions are totally normal in the abnormal circumstances we had to endure.

I like this quote, I believe this to be a truth, for me my so called symptom's are me it is all I know and it is normal for what I see, and I will defend this to the best of any professionals who try to get me to believe something else. I just wish at times I knew something else other than my normal.

Cookido

All of your anwers have truly been amazing.

Three Roses; I guess it might have to do with creativity, I've done it for as long as I can remember. Like Contessa also stated, a subreddit might not be the greatest sorce of information. It did however trigger a lot of thinking, though, so have your answers as well, but in a more positive way!

DecimalRocket; your examples makes sense to me, thank you. I got stuck in the negative, but nothing is black and white and I feel like I can allow myself to enjoy this part of me.

Ah; "Our reactions are totally normal in the abnormal circumstances we had to endure." I will make sure to remember that!

sanmagic7; thank you, your text really made me feel like I should cherish my stories. I would miss it if it was gone.

MyPrsion1965; this is why I'm so glad to have this forum. I don't have someone in person to talk to when I learn new things about myself. But I have this forum with you and all others who make it. It really helps sharing thoughts in order to put them in new perspectives.

Thank you all ♡

sigiriuk

Dear Cookido
Anybody who starts this journey has the most amazing courage.
I had personality traits that turned out to be symptoms, and when I realised, it was very painful and overwhelming.
Like you, it threw me off balance for quite some time. But after reflecting for a few weeks, I found some peace again.
Take care
Slim

Rainydaze

Quote from: Cookido on February 04, 2018, 12:04:43 AM
Not sure where to discuss this but I wanted to share it at least. I found out via a subreddit on cptsd, that a symptom of high anxiety is making up stories before bed in order to relax because the created world is a safe space.

Isn't that just testament to how brilliant and creative you are though? The answer's yes by the way.  :yes: I read novels before bed with the same motive to escape and relax, which isn't that far removed from your relaxation technique other than that I'm lazy and rely on someone to make the stories up for me.  ;) 'Symptom' seems like such a negative word and I wouldn't call your storytelling that. Yes, going through anxiety allowed you to hone what you do and brought it to the forefront of your mind but I'd say it's fundamentally very much a positive part of who you are rather than a 'symptom' with all the negative connotations attached to it.