I don't feel like it counts (tw)

[eattrashbefree]

TW: Emotional / Verbal abuse and SA; TW - talk of suicide in past

While I find myself feeling anger lately towards people who I feel have treated me badly, something I thought I just didn't feel until it began to surface in intense and difficult to handle ways, I still have a hard time accepting that the things that have happened to me throughout my life are abuse, or would be traumatizing - I feel as though I am making excuses for myself to be lazy, to behave badly, to interact ineffectively with others.  I know objectively this is not true.  I know that I am not making excuses, that I am working very hard on myself and my emotions and social skills - DBT has been a miracle and I do try. 

I know that I don't have to have more memories of what my dad did for it to "count" and that I remember it happening twice and that is enough it doesn't have to be worse.  I know that all the yelling, yelling at me while I cried myself into asthma attacks, the guilt tripping, the abandonment, and my mom threatening to kill herself because I made her angry despite my dad having actually done it, was enough.  The isolation and lack of social interaction throughout high school.  The friend when I was 18 who told me I just didn't try to be happy, argued with his parents in front of me, yelled at me often in the car, yelled at me at work along with the managers who yelled at and degraded me, and continued yelling at me at work after I tried to cut off contact when he didn't seem to understand what "I don't really want to do this anymore" meant and had sex with me anyway was enough.

Then there was the ex who made me solely responsible for his care and mental well being, his suicide attempts, sometimes finding out the next day that he'd taken all his meds, never knowing what I'd come home from work to, and not being able to end the relationship until he finally decided to after I tried and failed multiple times because I was afraid of what would happen to him.  I still don't consider that abuse, just toxic dependency, but I never realized until recently that it may have effected me, too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making it all up, that everything that happened was my fault because I should and could have done something to stop it or said something to someone.  I didn't realize what was happening to me at the time, sometimes I think that because it took until later for me to realize it was bad or for me to be angry that I warped it in my head.  Then I realize that if I think of another person in any one of the situations I've been in I would be far more sympathetic.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that the things that have happened to me are real and the ways they effect me are too!

[miaoue]

eattrashbefree, i totally relate to the feeling that what happened to me doesn't count or isn't real abuse or wasn't bad enough to be trauma. i too remember a fair number of bad things but feel it's not enough. but...i'm not sure what would feel like enough to me. there probably isn't any memory i could uncover that would make me feel like "ok yeah, that means i'm not just lazy and self-destructive, now i'm allowed to struggle and suffer".

it took me a long time before i felt i could use the word 'abuse' for what my mostly-ex-H did. i still can't use that word for my parents. because they had their own struggles, they were doing their best, they love me, etc. since i can't call them abusers, i feel like i can't call myself abused.

it's said that "knowing is half the battle". i think that applies to us in a way...that knowing, on a deep, primitive, gut level, that it wasn't our fault, is half the work in recovery.

i am so sorry about all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life. i know you are NOT making it all up. i mean who would make that kind of stuff up?? if you had the chance to just make up whatever kind of past you want and have it become reality, i'm sure you would not choose this one. you would make up a history where your parents were kind and gentle, you never met that ex, etc. there's absolutely no reason why you would intentionally cause your own struggle.

i'm sending understanding and caring and sympathy to you. i know you struggle to offer those things to yourself...so do i...but, i bet you can start with taking in someone else's acceptance.

[songbirdrosa]

You're not alone in how you feel. It took fifteen years before I even acknowledged that some parts of my abuse were really abuse, and several more before I began to accept that I wasn't complicit in it. No matter how much you remember, your pain is real.

It sounds like you're making progress already, and I hope for you that continues. Sending support and strength your way 

[sanmagic7]

i know the feeling of not being aware, not realizing what was going on at the time, not understanding what had happened to me till many, many years later.  i denied any abuse in my childhood - my parents did their best, didn't know better, etc. 

what i've come to find out is that the effects i'm dealing with are real, which means that i have gone thru events, behaviors, situations, conversations even, that were traumatizing to me.   what i struggle with now is what makes the abuse real to me.  a healthy, untraumatized person would not be going thru what i am going thru on a daily basis.

slowly, little by little, as i kept exploring, the pieces began falling into place.  i think one of the biggest truths i've discovered is that what's happened to others, what's happened to me, don't need to be compared.  if it was traumatizing to me, even if it didn't look that way to someone else, it was still a traumatic experience that i suffered through, and that's what counts.

your traumas are and were real.  i believe you.  i also believe you have plenty of 'proof'.  you may find more examples as you get deeper into recovery, but for right now, you have more than enough.  it totally counts, all of it, any of it.  and so do you.   

[Blueberry]

It does count! You're not alone in second-guessing yourself about it though. I still do sometimes and it's been decades now.

Reading this post of yours now, I see so many correlations to your post about where you were living last year. That alone tells me you are not making it up.

When I was reading your first post, I thought of 'gaslighting'. Here's the definition: "Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is based on the 1944 MGM movie "Gaslight". "    (Courtesy of our sister website OutOfTheFog). That's just part of what you suffered!

You sound very aware, and you are also working on yourself. 

I hope you continue to come here to read and post and get support! This site has been a lifesaver for me.   

[ah]

eattrashbefree, i totally relate to the feeling that what happened to me doesn't count or isn't real abuse or wasn't bad enough to be trauma. i too remember a fair number of bad things but feel it's not enough. but...i'm not sure what would feel like enough to me. there probably isn't any memory i could uncover that would make me feel like "ok yeah, that means i'm not just lazy and self-destructive, now i'm allowed to struggle and suffer".

I agree with every word. I think it's a very astute observation, I'm not sure what would feel like enough for me either. My default feeling seems to be "Me bad, others good" even when I have life long injuries to prove the opposite. 

I feel like I have two interpretations of my life. In the first I know I was and still am abused, and I can see the life long damage it's done to me. But at the same time I'm also completely convinced I'm making this up, I'm lazy, manipulative and evil. No one is hurting me, I'm just unbearable and crazy.   
Somehow it doesn't feel like a contradiction, not sure how but my mind seems to see it both ways without getting a headache. Which in itself is a pretty big sign that abuse took place. Such a high level of self doubt says something about what we went through.

I think your description of some of the things you had to go through was very coherent, very clear. It doesn't sound exaggerated or made up in the slightest, on the contrary. I know how confusing and difficult it can be to just verbalize these things. You can feel like your brain has gone numb. In a way, that in itself is another clue.

I sometimes think about it as something like an allergic reaction, if that makes sense. Our deep feelings of shame, self doubt, guilt, anxiety, it all comes from some allergens in our environment. They're telling the truth, and it's such a hard one to tell.

I totally agree with miaoue, even if we tried to make up these things they're just too outlandish to be made up. Reality is crazier than imagination sometimes 

I'm so sorry you have this gnawing self doubt too. I know what it's like, and I completely believe you.