Mother (and father)

[BlancaLap]

I don't remember this quite well but... I'll try my best to explain.

Today I had... a really bad argument with my mother. I shouldn't have say it, but I said it anyway 
My mother asked me something and I said that it was because I didn't feel love from anybody. And she asked: do you feel I love you? And I replied: No

It's not just because I'm dissociated or whatever happens to me. When I wasn't it was much worse.
Like, when you are dissociated you seem like... you don't feel like other people... ARE PEOPLE. Seems pretty stupid, but you don't feel it, and feeling is seeing. Well, I think I know why.

When I wasn't dissociated I would see my mother... my father... and the feeling... it was insupportable. She... behaves in a way... so strange (I guess like me right now). But seeing her like that... it felt like she wasn't my mother but some sort of monster trying to pass as my mother. It was unbearable. You feel it that way because you see people as what they are: people. So it hurts and frightens you and it's just too much... to think that... you had something far worse than not having a mother (or maybe it's worse to not have one, Idk). To know that... it will be there, in your heart, all your life, that feeling that your mother doesn't love you, that memory of her... like a monster.

I'm far from being a victim. I mean, I'm... a monster too or that's how I see myself or "see" "myself" right now. Because I'm not myself... in some way, I'm not even a person. When I was not dissociated I was too active to be victim. I don't know the definition of victim, but trying your best to get out of that situation, I think, is not being a victim, at least you don't see yourself as one, maybe only if you have no real escapatory.

That's what happened to me: I couldn't stand living there: the feeling that... it's not safe. You never know how they will react, you just have lived too much to feel comfortable around them. It's like your house is not your house, but not in a dissociate way, in a real, crazy, unbearable, horrible way. You fear them. It's like living with monsters. And that's something your brain cannot process. Mother = monster. I think your brain would become crazy (another type of crazy) if you had (or could) process that. It's just...

So I was planning on getting out of there but I hadn't anywhere to go. I had no one to tell that I needed somewhere to stay. I guess I went to that doctor (the friend of my dad) really desperate. But I was too dissociated to express myself properly and I ended up giving the wrong... impression.

When you are dissociated you can stand this, because you don't feel it, and if you don't feel it you can't see it, because feeling = seeing. If you don't feel or see your mother you don't have to see or feel what... you would.
But you have to go through that if you wanna be happy. You have to go through that *.

So to explain my situation imagine this. You are in a path and you wanna go to the other side, but the path is full with spikes and you have no shoes. When you are going through the spikes you would do anything to not be there, but when you aren't it's like you don't remember how it feel like to go through the spikes and you just wanna (or "wanna") go to the other side. For me it's like I'm stuck in a place where there are no spikes and I wanna go to the other side, I wanna go through the spikes, but I can't, because there is like some sort of wall that I can't pass through. And I'm so... stressed that I will be like this the rest of my life.

I don't know if I will ever overcome all of this (or if I will ever have another oportunity of overcoming it) because it feels (or it felt like) it's so much.

I wish someone could give me an advice.

Just wanted to add that if I was not dissociated right now I wouldn't be posting here, because... this doesn't really help me you know. Talking to strangers about this... is not making it feel more real. If I wasn't dissociated I would be doing... "mental work", like real mental work and not the one that I can do right now. I'm talking about real *. I would be doing that, because in the end I'm the one that is going to safe me, but I need others to collaborate. Like idk, people supporting me, people being gentle, people showing genuine interest in me, people showing real concern about me... not having to endure people that...

I show myself, when I wasn't "dissociating", overcoming this. At least the part that doesn't involve my family. It was like this: one day, when I would really feel prepared, I would go to one of my past classmates and ask her/him why. Because I need to talk to them about this, I need something that I can touch, I need to talk and know why and finally feel that I'm safe, that I'm finally safe, that they can't hurt me now. Because the brain is a real *, it doesn't matter how much you know they will not hurt you, it doesn't matter (it matters in some degree but that's not the only thing you need). You have to talk to them. Only then I would be completely... free. Completely myself, completely safe, only then I could breath calm.

I readed in a forum a guy that says that the damage to the brain of the olanzapine is chronic. And when I readed it I started crying, and my when upstairs to ask me why. And when she say I was looking for information about olanzapine she... started saying that: ok Blanca. That's the past. Why are looking at it? Just forget it at once!

I feel like...

[Kizzie]

I used to stand outside my house when I was around 10 or 12 and think how much safer I felt outside it than inside it.  I couldn't express that clearly to anyone for decades, my fifties to be accurate.  I also remember wondering if there were some sort of drug I could be given so I could connect with my self, my walled off self. 

Those walls or whatever you want to call that inability to feel or connect are there for a reason (imo), they protect us until we are able to look at what caused them in the first place.

I think you said you are working with a T and that's where you may find ways to get through the dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, disconnection from self.  Talking here about why you have ended up not being able to feel/connect may also help.  I guess what I'm saying is that the past is not past until we deal with it, we are all stuck in trauma time to greater or lesser degrees because we did what we had to to survive then, but now it's interfering with life.   

Just some of my thoughts based on my recovery, if it helps great, if not plse ignore.   

[BlancaLap]

Thanks Kizzie.

I hope you are right and I'm not gonna be stuck in this * for the rest of my life.

I was able to get through this... "block" in a time where I had no psychology, no psychiatrist... I don't think they are necessary for my recovery, but they may help me. Good experiences were the ones that made me get out of it. Going out, talking... idk.

[Three Roses]

In my experience, talking with friends was helpful but I also got a lot of bad advice. Get over it... don't think about it and it won't bother you... etc. But trauma can leave us with physical changes within the brain itself - these NEED therapy to be healed. My best wishes to you with this.

[BlancaLap]

In my experience, talking with friends was helpful but I also got a lot of bad advice. Get over it... don't think about it and it won't bother you... etc. But trauma can leave us with physical changes within the brain itself - these NEED therapy to be healed. My best wishes to you with this.

I don't need therapy right now. I need to get out of this "dissociation". But therapy may help.

[Three Roses]

Talking, going out, having good times, experiencing happiness, are all good ways to avoid dissociation. But, it's only avoiding it. Learning about what dissociation is and how to combat it is the key. That happens in therapy. Or, reading here about how others are dealing with it and working on recovery for themselves, and discovering tips that can work for you too, if you're open to that.

[BlancaLap]

It doesn't really help me to read books or articles or anything about dissociation. What it helps is to have good experiences, and not being stuck in places that may have a counterproductive effect on you.

It's scary to think about it. To really think about it and not the way in which you think about it doesn't make you feel anything or it doesn't feel real.

Dissociation is so scary... man. I know it is there to help you because if it wasn't for it I would be crazy (like, real crazy) right now or something worse...

[Three Roses]

It doesn't really help me to read books or articles or anything about dissociation.

Please let me encourage you, to reconsider this.

[BlancaLap]

You are free

[BlancaLap]

I wanted to add something. Eveytime I talk to my mother (or some psychiatrists and psychologysts that are friends with my parents), they basically tell me the same thing over and over again: they are humans and they commit mistakes because they just want to help me because they see me suffer and they don't know what to do.

It's not that they commit mistakes, my mother, my father... it's the way they are. It's not what they do, it's them. I have seen people not doing what they do. It's simply... not normal, not justifiable, that's how I used to see it when I wasn't like this... "dissociated".

And another thing but not as important as the first one. They make it sound like I'm the one that is causing them to act like that. They acted like that because they decided to do it. People see me and act in different ways and not everybody in the same way. That means it's not me, I'm not the one that is causing them to do what they do. It's like they don't want to take responsability. Because yes: they had good intentions, but they ended up * me up.