Struggling with anxiety

  • 29 Replies
  • 335 Views
*

hereforhope

  • Member
  • 26
    • View Profile
Struggling with anxiety
« on: February 12, 2018, 01:54:56 PM »
Sorry that I've written about this before here. But I can't stop thinking about it. After I'd called the local psychiatry saying I've suicidal feelings I was scheduled to meet a doctor. I thought it was about medication but we ended up talking about my life for over an hour. While she said things that I've found helpful, she also said some things that simply scares the crap out of me. I try to say she's overconfident, wrong, but knowing she's an experienced doctor, mentioned having met lots of tragic patients, personality disordered people etc, makes me extremely scared she's right.

I said I think my father probably had symptoms of NPD and showed some of the worst symptoms, like hating mentally challenged, handicapped etc. I then talked about what I think is wrong with me (cptsd, anxiety etc), when she carefully asked "and how do you think you're similar to your father?" I knew she hinted she suspects I have NPD aswell. I was terrified but instead blurted out like a joke "well, I get very, very angry sometimes", which made her laugh loud.

I also mentioned feeling terrified there's something wrong with me that makes me unlovable, that it's my fault it seemed my parents were always ashamed of me, easily angry at me, etc. I remember my father saying how challenged people are "disgusting" and "deserves to die" (which I told the doctor), which I think made me terrified of being a person he'd think that about. I also talked about depersonalisation and the brain fog I've been struggling with for years. She said "well, you don't seem that struggling" (emphasis on "that", as if hinting she thinks I'm a little mentally handicapped or something)

During this meeting she laughed out loud a few times more. When I'm nervous I forget my feelings and starts trying to be funny.

I can't forget that "that" in that sentence though. I'm terrified she somehow knows there's something wrong with me, that I'll never be capable in life, etc... My mother have said she used to "cry all the time" because of how bad my memory was as a child (said to me when I was explaining how scared I am of these things).
Or could it be she thinks I've NPD and wanted to poke at a "grandiose self" or something?

If there's something wrong with me like that I don't think I can ever accept myself. That's why this caused so much anxiety for me.

Sorry that this is long. If someone reads it, know that I really appreciate it. Thank you.  :hug:
« Last Edit: February 12, 2018, 01:59:56 PM by hereforhope »

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 1799
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 02:33:08 PM »
Hereforhope, can I send along some warm gentle hugs?  :hug:

I am sorry that she treated things like that. She seems a bit flamboyant to me which is odd in a psychiatrist. No matter what it is that you end up disgnosised with you are important and lovable, I promise. I understand worrying that you will be like your dad, it is the same way I was and am scared to be like my mom. You are worried, and constantly a kind compassionate person here you are definitely not disgusting. I promise.

I wish I had better words, but there is no need to be sorry. I am glad you could post about this in here  :hug:

 
ďI'm still a believer. Can nobody tame this raging heart
I'm still a dreamer. I'm fighting my way up to the stars
I'm running wild, I'm going out
I'm flying high, I'm screaming out
I'm blowing up, a fire in the skyĒ -Lea Michelle

*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 721
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2018, 05:55:31 PM »
Hi hereforhope,

Can I just suggest that the psych may not have been thinking the way you worry she might have been?

Its hard to take in what is going on during a psych assessment, I've had a few and it tends to wear out my concentration in a matter of minutes.

Also, we don't know what the questions are trying to uncover or what line of thought the psych is pursuing.

My impression is that you are tying yourself in knots trying to second guess. I do the same thing, its not helpful and often wrong but I can't help myself.

Just keep a less damaging possibility in mind as much as you can. Anxiety is always trying to run wild in my experience, I hope you manage to keep it to a level which doesn't upset you so much.

Best wishes
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 5381
    • View Profile
    • Out of the Storm
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 06:22:27 PM »
Hereforhope - can you make another appt with her, share your fears and find out for certain?  I'm not pushing as I know you may not feel up to it, but just wanted to suggest this as it would likely help you to know one way or another what she was/is thinking. 
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

*

hereforhope

  • Member
  • 26
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 03:47:49 AM »
Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it.  :hug:

Rainagain - those are good tips. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you.

Kizzie - I'll consider it. If I can meet her without having to pay a lot, then I'm up for it. If it's true she suspected I'm NPD then that's very serious thing to suspect. Especially if she's worked with many patients before. As far as I know, people with NPD are usually pretty dishonest and struggle with introspection. I think I'm very honest in psych-meetings and I'm quite an introspective, inverted person.

I did catch myself doing some reaction seeking behavior. When she asked if I had a suicide plan, I described it in detail which I think made her uncomfortable, which I caught myself enjoying. She said "you don't scare me". I think it's more that I want to be believed and taken serious that I've really felt as bad as I say. It does look like reaction-seeking PD behavior.

If I'd guess I think I've some of the immaturity symptoms of BPD. I'm 27 but feel emotionally like a teenager.

*

Eyessoblue

  • Member
  • 447
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 04:39:32 AM »
Hi hereforhope, I feel I can really relate to what youíre saying, when I went for my psychiatric assessment, I kept on making light of everything and turning everything into a joke itís always been my way of dealing with things but have since realised itís not helpful to be like that. Iím off to my counselling session soon and my discussion with her today is going to be does she think Iím completely mad, do I have bpd and does she see other people as crazy as me. I feel like I need this validating as I feel Iím soooo different to everyone else and I struggle to fit in due to my disasociating all the time and being permanently on guard for everything. Thereís nothing wrong with you and there probably isnít with me either (I still need to ask the question though) itís just the horrible affects of cptsd, Iím convinced that no one loves me and friends only put up with me, I hate this feeling but unfortunately itís just the way it is.

*

hereforhope

  • Member
  • 26
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 05:25:48 AM »
Ditto that. I also feel I'm can't relate to others, that I'm completely weird, etc. For as long as I can remember I've been convinced I'm unlovable and disgusting. I've no friends and never sought intimicy in any shape or form. I'm absolutely disgusted by myself and can't imagine being in a sexual relationship with anyone. I guess that makes me kind of strange to most adults.

Hope your meeting goes well. I'm sure you know we must fight against these feelings. I think we might be a little bit different from others in some ways though because of our experiences, but our anxiety completely snowballs that and turns it into a disaster.

However I'm pretty sure I'm objectively not a very lovable person though. I'm a complete failure as what society expects of a man.

*

ah

  • Member
  • 457
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2018, 03:07:47 PM »
Well, unfortunately for me I've got far too much experience recognizing people who are narcissistic and nothing you've written here ever seemed that way to me. On the contrary.

Psychiatrists scare me because they have so much power and they aren't as omniscient as some of them seem to think :blink: and feeling powerless is very triggering for me, so talking to one of them is a sure way to feel out of balance, make silly jokes to hide behind, feel threatened even if they're not being threatening on purpose. It definitely snowballs into odd conversations, and knowing I'm being evaluated doesn't help... oh boy can I relate.
Plus she sounds like she could, how shall I put this nicely? Like she could improve her skills.  :bigwink:

I'm not a very lovable person either, society wise. I have my own quirky interests, I'm very introverted, mute when I feel threatened, silent the rest of the time.
A society of people with cptsd would treat us differently, maybe? It wouldn't look at the wound, it would ask "What caused that? What happened? That looks so painful!" and recognize that we're in pain because of painful conditions.

Eyessoblue,
I echo everything hereforhope said.
I hope it goes well and I agree. I feel the same.
On the one hand I now am beginning to understand thanks to OOTS and to all the books on trauma I've been gobbling up that I'm not crazy, this is the natural result of the things I go through. These are the horrible effects of abuse and neglect.
But at the same time, my lifelong conviction that I'm unbearable, unlovable, disgusting, evil... is there too.
I don't know, maybe it's become slightly more ridiculous, sometimes I can almost make fun of it (I try to look it straight in the eye and laugh at it) or say to it "Waaait... I know you're lying to me." for a fraction of a second. Here and there. Then it attacks at full force again and I'm lost.

But I think it really is lying to you too. We're not crazy, we're not disgusting, we're not unlovable.
Well, you're not  :doh: :bigwink: :stars: I need a lot of extra work on myself to be able to think I may not be either  :Idunno: :whistling:
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 03:09:31 PM by ah »

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 4394
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2018, 07:45:13 AM »
the npd's that i've known would never worry about being npd.  they've always thought/believed that other people have the problems, they're very manipulative, cunning, believe they're better than everyone else, and lie thru their teeth.  does that sound like you, hfh?   i don't think so for a minute.

i don't like at all that she said she didn't think you were struggling 'that' much.  how would she know?  sounds like minimalization and invalidation to me. 

i agree that too often shrinks believe they know it all, and try to tell you how you're feeling and why.  they're just shooting arrows in the dark.  you've posted about this to people who know a lot about npd,  who have had a lot of experience with it on a personal level.  even tho i'm a therapist, i knew nothing about it (except that it existed) until i began my own recovery. 

clinicians usually don't see very much npd because those who suffer from it rarely seek help for it.   we usually just don't come into contact with it, per se, and it's so well hidden and defended by npd's, we rarely see it for what it is. clinicians, including shrinks, don't often see it or recognize it because they've had so little experience with it.   altho my ex and d1 have been in therapy for decades, they've both either dismissed therapists, lied to them, or talked about different issues.  same with my sister and former t.  it's always someone else's fault.

i believe your issues are valid and are symptoms of your c-ptsd, your traumatization, your history, and your experience.  i'm very sorry you're in so much pain right now that you have a plan ready, and i hope the responses you've gotten here have afforded some kind of hope and truth to you that you are not horrible or unlovable as a person.  just wounded.

this is one place where i've been helped time and time again to tend to my wounds, to experience kindness and caring in ways i've never known, and to be validated and valued.  may i extend the same to you.  safe caring gentle hug to you, hfh.
learn something from everything.

*

hereforhope

  • Member
  • 26
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2018, 07:36:55 PM »
Thank you Sanmagic. It means a lot to hear from you.

I worry about different diagnoses a lot and easily get anxious about such things.

I didn't write it very clearly but what the doctor talked about was me having some kind of brain defect, intellectual problem etc. I'd just described how all my life I'd been terrified of having a problem like that which I think comes from my father clearly hating people with those struggles. My mother have also treated me as if I'm stupid, everything I think is wrong. She said she used to cry all the time when I was a child because of how poor my memory was, which was terrifying to hear and I can't stop worrying about that. I have a learning disability, dyscalculia, which I felt both parents were very ashamed of. I had to take an IQ test at 12 to figure that out and was called gifted by the testers. I actually think taking that test caused me some trauma because of how awful my anxiety was then I took it.

I'm very sure I've depersonalisation and had thick brain fog since late teens. I often feel like I simply can't think, thoughts are standing still all the time. I try to use that test to tell myself I'm fine and it's all just symptoms of anxiety, but now and then I feel pure terror about being born with some disorder.

I told my doctor all this and at that time said I felt I would end my life if I had some disorder (since that's what my father said such people deserve). She said "well, you don't seem THAT struggling"- struggling meaning as if having a brain defect. So it sounded like she thinks I have something wrong with me. So now I obsess about that. I've absolutely no self preservation and if I'm convinced I can't make a future worth to live I think I could make a final choice. I think it was very unnecessary to say that of her when it's LITERALLY a life and death question for me. It's NOT because I agree with my father at all (his view on life seems like nazism), it's that I don't have much fight in me, and if I found out something about me that I knew will always lower my quality of life I probably would end my life.

I'm NOT promoting this for others at all! This is my very personal, and I realise, extremely weak and cowardly choice- I admire people who fight for a better life.

 

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 5381
    • View Profile
    • Out of the Storm
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2018, 10:22:10 AM »
Hereforhope - Your parents' views are not how healthy people think/feel, it's how two people with whatever problems they had saw things and they foisted it on you.  Maybe it's time to talk to someone who will show you another way  and listen with compassion and caring?  It could help you to regain more will to fight.  I like these two organizations because of their names -- I feel like you would connect with just that kind of someone if you were to call, a friendly soul who believes your life does count and will share another perspective with you that may help. 


I hope you'll consider calling  :hug:
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion - Dalai Lama

*

ah

  • Member
  • 457
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2018, 12:42:12 PM »
Hereforhope - Your parents' views are not how healthy people think/feel, it's how two people with whatever problems they had saw things and they foisted it on you. 

 :yeahthat:

I'm so sorry your parents treated you this way. It's painful to imagine from a distance, so I can't imagine what it was like for you to get the weight of all these ideas and views and to have to make sense of what they're telling you.

I think your parents' views say very little about who you are, and a lot about them.
From the depths of my heart, having lived with similar parents, I feel it isn't an indication of your own weakness, it's their weakness and limitation that shows right through.

The way you write here seems to me so crisp and clear, smart, coherent, and in undeserved pain.
I see the same pain in me and I know how deep it goes, but it's not your fault... it's never been your fault.


*

hereforhope

  • Member
  • 26
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2018, 12:56:43 PM »
Thanks Kizzie, but I don't feel very trusting of people and think my only option now is trying to get better on my own. I'm think that this "narcissistic elitistic" way of viewing people is pretty common, whether someone admits to themselves or not. I wouldn't be surprised one second if the person meant to help me actually tries to (sub-consciously) make me worse. Life for all species on earth is a genetic competition. Evidence of this is when (most likely completely normal) people in crowds starts shouting at suicide-jumpers to jump, which is very common and one of the main reasons cops always tries to dissolve crowds. I'm quite convinced this instinct of "elimination of the struggling" is deeply ingrained in us- including someone working with helping the struggling. We with mental health issues should be extremely careful when connecting with people.

If my therapist tried to suicide-goad me I wouldn't be surprised or complain. Sorry if I sound salty. I think emotionally I'm giving up on humanity.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2018, 01:15:50 PM by hereforhope »

*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 721
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2018, 02:32:21 PM »
Wow,

You have made me think hereforhope.

I have a similar opinion to yours but keep hoping I'm wrong.

The way you describe it makes me realise there could very well be an unconscious biological imperative in 'elimination of the struggling'.

In nature animals try not to show illness (such as lameness) as predators cue in on anything that indicates catchable prey.

If an animal is clearly unwell it puts the group at risk as it might draw predators. The group doesn't slow down for the injured, it gets left behind.

There is evidence of caring for the sick in humans all the way back to the stone age, (such as incapacitating injuries that have healed due to support from others) but that doesn't mean there isn't also a deep human instinct to protect the healthy over the sick.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 4394
    • View Profile
Re: Struggling with anxiety
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2018, 02:47:07 PM »
hfh, my own personal hope for humanity lies within this forum, and a very few select people outside of it.  i hear you.

i keep battling because of my d, my hub, and the good people here.  they are my crutches when i come up lame, my healers when i'm so sick and tired i don't think i can move another step.

survival of the fittest and all that aside, i still have something worthwhile to contribute, and i believe you do as well.  that's what makes our lives valid and valuable, no matter what the rest of humankind might think.

just your being here, posting, even when you're in pain, shows others that it can be done, that the battle is worth it.  our community here, our corner of the world, is worth fighting for to my mind.  we are talented and gifted people here, caring and compassionate, willing even when we don't always feel able.

this community may contain the hope for humankind, and you're part of it, you beautiful thing, you.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.
learn something from everything.