Relationship is ending in slow motion

[Rainagain]

Hi

Just wondered if anyone understands what is happening with me at the moment.

My relationship of just under a year is going bad, nothing too dramatic just seems like we are both storing up hurts from each other and not getting over things.

For me its tricky, I need to change to make the other person happy it seems, but I am resistant to being told what to do or how to be. I stubbornly fail to change into the person I apparently should be, I think I'm OK already really.

There's nothing really bad going on, just two people who nearly meet each others needs but who grate against each other over the unmet needs.

Not really in need of advice, it just seems such a shame really.

[Contessa]

Read what you said and I hear ya Rainagain. It sounds like things are riding out.

Here for you.

[Three Roses]

 

[Rainagain]

Thank you both.

Its a pity really but I can't get up enough energy to fret over it.

Have court case, med withdrawal, nightmares, etc. Etc.

Enough going on already, I can't change into someone else just because it suits someone better.

Here's an adjusted song lyric -  'I am what I am, and what I am takes a bit of explanation....'

Was singing it to myself much of yesterday.

No matter how much explanation is provided the reality of cptsd is only known by having it I think. Bit like trying to explain things to my ex managers, they have no way to get it.

No wonder so many therapists fail to help, cptsd is a profound alteration, I may appear unaffected but oh dear, all is not well.

But it wouldn't be would it? It can't be a life changing event if it doesn't turn everything upside down.

[Contessa]

It most certainly is a life changer. It sounds like you are looking after what needs to be looked after the most. That's a good thing.

[Rainagain]

My current feeling is to forget happiness and recovery etc.

I'm going to try to look after the basics which sustain me.

Instead of reaching for the stars I'm going to remain in the gutter, but get some cushions and throws to make it more comfortable.

Oscar Wilde can do as he likes, he'll learn.

[Contessa]

I'm going to try to look after the basics which sustain me.

Instead of reaching for the stars I'm going to remain in the gutter, but get some cushions and throws to make it more comfortable.

I've gathered that this post was written as a resignation of defeat. On the other hand, getting some lovely 'cushions and throws' for yourself in the 'gutter' also sounds like you're giving yourself a break, taking smaller steps, and giving yourself some much needed self care.

Those cushions are yours! And you will take them with you when your lodgings are updated.

I do not want to appear to be making fun. You're going through so much adversity right now. The metaphor lent itself to a positive interpretation that I hope is seen.

[Rainagain]

Contessa

I find my situation is ripe for humour, I am often more bemused than tragic feeling.

Maybe that is my recovery, once I can't get excitable about my situation any more, once I just find myself too ridiculous for words I can stop trying to reach the stars.

Acceptance.

Just realised anger and acceptance are stages of grief, hmmmmm,....

I don't think laughing at ones own situation is a stage of grief though.

Maybe its a release or reaction after being too triggered for too long.

[Contessa]

I see what you mean, makes perfect sense.

I wonder where 'comfortably numb' falls in those stages. I used to describe my mood that way a lot. Somewhere between I guess. You ever felt that?

[Rainagain]

Such a good question,

And has given me today's earworm too!

I've had a traumatic life even before the cptsd was bestowed upon me by my employer.

I think I had 15 years of acting out something like PTSD, I was pretty wild and fierce, was in denial or unaware I was traumatised, far from comfortably numb at that time. It felt I was experiencing all my interactions with people while holding one hand over a candle flame. The challenge was to talk in a conversational tone and not to scream.

During the years my cptsd was developing I was uncomfortably numb, what was happening was quietly terrible but I couldn't stop it happening. Sort of like a nightmare you recognise as such but can't alter, or a horrible accident you can't look away from.

The last year or so might be my chance to become comfortably numb, to accept everything that has happened, to own my various calamities and bring them in from the cold instead of pushing them away from me.

My fight instinct is strong and is a reflex I barely control at times but it doesn't help, I'm going to give quiet dignified acceptance a whirl instead.

Its an approach which might reduce my dissociation.

I will need to be trauma free from now on to make it work, and life doesn't come with such a guarantee, quite the reverse.

So, stop reaching for the stars, stop fighting things, stop repeatedly breaking my heart over things gone forever and try to embrace my reality instead of trying to change it.

Getting older and the distance from things time brings is helping, now I'm not frozen in the moment holding the candle flame.

Rather than comfortably numb it feels more like walking a tightrope over a pit of despair. The trick is to feel relaxed and comfortable like a true performer, and not look down too often.

Compared to my life experience a slo mo relationship fail isn't all that damaging I guess, the miracle is that I have any relationships with other people at all.

[Contessa]

Wow! That was a profound read; a tremendous recount of the constant push and pull struggle on the cptsd road. Like a rag doll being flung around.

Coincidentally, trying to reconcile three metaphors into one ultimate meaning in the above paragraph, might also sufficiently describe the emotional struggle :/

Thank you very much for sharing Rainagain. The story resonated with me, there was great familiarity to the description of cptsd, and I cannot do justice in my response.

[Rainagain]

It's amazing really

Everyone has been through their own unique trauma but I see myself in so many posts by others.

And my post resonated with you contessa.

I'm still amazed that we have all ended up in the same place, using different kinds of transport, different routes.

And none of us intended to be here at all.

The similarities we share is something I keep coming back to, like it can't really be true, or if it is true then how can that possibly be?

I do like a metaphor, three is even better......

Its like we have all been given the same Christmas present, like a pair of loon pants in one size. We don't want them, we can't swap them as we all have the same damn thing, and they don't even fit any of us!

How did that happen? How can it even be a thing?