The Chicken or The Egg -- Addiction & CPTSD

[redladybug87]

My husband struggles with C-PTSD because he grew up with an emotionally abusive mother (borderline personality disorder). We have been married for 8 years and we have 1 child. We have spent the majority of our marriage trying to get him the help that he needs to cope with the regular stresses of life. He has been through extensive therapy, and has progressed so much. However, he struggles with a severe pornography addiction (definitely a side-effect of the C-PTSD). He is consistently trying to get control of his addiction. Things are much better then they were years ago, but they are still really bad. It is so hurtful to our marriage. I am committed to working things out (especially because we have a child), but I don't see things improving at a rate that is healthy for our marriage. I feel like 5+ years of therapy should be enough time for him to learn to cope without the addiction.

So here is my question: Is it possible to first recover from addition while still learning the right tools for the C-PTSD? Or is it practically impossible for this addiction to go away until he has full control of the C-PTSD? It kind of feel like the question "Which comes first: the chicken or the egg?"

[sanmagic7]

i have 2 exes who had porn addictions.  one never addressed it, the other got referred to SA meetings (sexual addiction).  a referral was needed by a therapist because of the behaviors exhibited by certain sex addicts, and the meetings were kept secret except to those referred.

it did help him while he was attending meetings.  he went because of me, however, so after i eventually left the marriage, he stopped going to meetings ('what was the point?' he told me later - he never saw it as a problem for himself) and almost immediately reverted back, and it got worse.

the gist of the SA philosophy is that no sex is allowed except with your committed partner - that includes no sex by yourself.   it is a 12-step philosophy, which i believe can be very helpful for specific addictions.  however, it won't address other c-ptsd issues - those need trauma therapy.

sexual addictions, like any other, are about power and control, about taking oneself out of their reality, and living at least part of the time in a fantasy world.  it's very difficult to have a healthy relationship when porn/sex addictions are present.  i'm not surprised 5 yrs. of therapy haven't helped very much.  it's like the chicken needs certain specifics, while the egg needs others.

i think, as in the case with all addicts, your husband needs to identify if he has a problem, and what he's willing to do to stop it.  addictions are monsters in their own right, and can be treated alongside any other c-ptsd problems.   the idea of misogyny comes to mind, which would also need to be addressed in therapy.  addiction is a complete can of worms in its own right.

my best to you with this.  it's a tough one for all involved.  it is do-able if the addict recognizes that there is a problem and is willing to take the steps necessary to address it.    i'm very sorry you're going thru it.  been there, and it's awful.  kind, caring hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Hi redladybug,

I see right away "5+ years of therapy should be enough". I've been in therapy and working-on-myself-without for about 20 years. I'm still not over my addictions and compulsive activities. There were times when I had them under control, well at least the eating and not-eating...

I have a kind of sexual addiction which is also a form of self-harm. I developed it as a child to deal with the sexual abuse. In the past few months I've developed a method through therapy which helps me to not succumb. It's a pretty simple method, actually, but I don't think it would have worked earlier. Healing progresses in its own time ime. 

In direct answer to your question: ime I'm learning tools for dealing with CPTSD and working on processing the CPTSD directly in therapy and working on some of my addictions / compulsive behaviour all at the same time. It's all progressing simultaneously.

I'm sorry for what is doubtlessly a hurtful time for you and your child. Thank you for reaching out to us. I hope the responses you receive are of some help.

[Sceal]

It's all progressing simultaneously.

I think this is the clue. That it is a process that works simultaneously.
I know from my own mental illnesses (not addiction), I have to work on them at the same time, because they are so interconnected it's hard to say which is what.

There is hope though, but he has to see and want it for himself, otherwise the effect will be limited.
I hope you guys will figure it out. It takes strength to be in a relationship for so long with such added pressures.

P.S Blueberry, really great job!

[Blueberry]

(Thanks Sceal!)