Ah, therapy, sweet sorrow and new communities... (cw, tw)

[Rowan]

Hi all,
A brief introduction to me. I recently  started therapy for anxiety/depression - it didn't take long to realise that this was just another spin on a wheel that has been affecting me for a very long time.

Booze hound parents, various forms of assault, emotional incest have left "me" very fragmented with maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm, self sabotage and patterned behaviour - all subtle, discreet, and of course, effective.

Consequences are that I have no definition of self, having taught myself to be like water. I have huge defences that are rarely down, and numb to my core. And yet, the anxiety still comes. I have issues with manual control (I get the shakes), and increasingly an escalation in social situations. I have gender issues to complicate things greatly -I can femme more easily than I can man - I am the freak at the circus, more alien and alienated than many would understand - I do not fit and struggle with every ounce of my being to fit.

As a result, I am somewhere on the transgender spectrum, with no plans to transition. My therapist has confirmed my suspicions of PTSD (a professional dental assault, and traumatic emergency treatment in my early life), and a preliminary diagnosis of cPTSD (thanks dysfunctional FOO) - although diagnostically I fit the criteria of quiet borderline as well (but dismissed by therapist, because, well, appearance of being male.

It's all very complex and messy - this time, I'm determined to try it all out and see if I can regain a more normal sense of the world, and my journey is just beginning.

See you all around on the boards


Rowan

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Rowan, I think you'll find you do fit here because we all share the symptoms of CPTSD and that makes us a tribe of sorts, not that we want to be together for that particular reason, but it helps to be a part of a community where you have a lot in common.

It does feel messy and difficult, especially in the beginning I know.  I hope like me as you begin to identify the  behaviours of others that caused you to develop CPTSD, you will see yourself more as having symptoms (normal reactions to abnormal circumstances), versus defects (I don't know if you do see yourself this way but many of us did).  It's an important pivot toward recovery or so I found. 

Anyway, please settle in and if you have any questions ask away.  Glad you found your way here 

[sanmagic7]

glad you're here, rowan, and welcome.

so many of us have felt like misfits in the real world, and i can relate to your water analogy - just being fluid, changing and moving as the situation or the people around me changed.  i always thought of myself as kind of chameleon-like. 

here, however, i do feel accepted, don't have to do any changing, can be myself with strengths and flaws, and i feel like i finally fit.  great bunch of very kind, caring, supportive people.  i hope you find some sense of self here - it's been a wonderful space in which to do so.