how do I teach a child not to body-shame?

[Blueberry]

I don't have children myself, but I have an 8-year old godson with whom I have a good relationship and regular contact.

I have also grown very fat and he makes remarks about that. Up until now I've brushed them off or even turned humour on myself, e.g. when I was horsing around in a swimming pool with him and his 12 year old brother, I said I was a whale coming to sink their raft.

Buuut humour was used against me in my family growing up and I think I'm turning this on myself now. It could be a teaching moment, but I have no idea how to do it. Mind pretty blank. The only thing that occurs to me is that I could go along the lines of the 12 year old brother and say "That's not nice." Or even add "people are worth more than their body shape." But to the first comment I hear M and B1 laughingly saying that they know it's not. Beneath that, unspoken, but meant: they don't care, they're going to continue with their remarks and if they hurt, well that's my fault for being too sensitive OR my fault for being stupid or fat or whatever it is.

The 12 year old said to him that it wasn't nice to say that. 

My 8 year old godson is not my M or B1, obviously. It's just I feel clueless as to how to conduct a conversation on this and fear what he might say that I have no answer to.

And I don't know about "people are worth more than their body shape". Maybe not the kind of thing an 8 year old really understands.

I'd like to try and deal with this myself and not go to his parents about it.

[Dee]

The way I taught my kids things was to just talk to them.  In a nonjudgemental way, ask them why they felt the need to do or say something.  I also was big on asking them about their feelings while I told them there is no such thing as bad feelings, it is what we do with them.  I would also explain the other point of view (in this case the person being shamed).  By the time a child can understand behavior and consequences they can be reasoned with in an age appropriate way.  So many times they do things because they saw someone else do it and never understood the consequences or other person's point of view.

I also believed my kids liked being treated like they had a brain and opinion and wanted to be respected.  Now they are 20 and 17 that hasn't changed.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Dee, that's helpful!

[Blueberry]

Now, it's pretty obvious why he does it: he's copying his dad, who wasn't doing it about me but about somebody else in front of me and my godson. I'm in half a mind to say something to the dad and half a mind not. I did say a little at the time but then petered out. The only way I can really address this kind of thing is in written form. But I expect in this case I would be gaslighted or mocked too.

I won't be dealing with it in next few days anyway.

[Blueberry]

On top of a few other issues atm, this is causing me stress too because I'll be seeing my godson on the weekend and I'm getting steadily fatter. However, I now can think about telling him it's not nice to make remarks like that to me or about me and I don't hear FOO's voices laughing at me. So there's progress. I remember though when I was writing about being fat or overeating or something like that recently I went all brain-foggy so it's clearly still a very difficult topic for me. It's still often the case that when I think about standing up for myself or setting a boundary, that my brain clears off and I have no idea what to say. Freeze or flight I guess.

[I like vanilla]

Is it possible to use the 'I feel' statements?

E.g. 'I feel sad when you make jokes about my weight because it hurts my feelings. I would like you to stop making these types of comments.'

I have found that the I feel statements can be effective because they have whole truth. They focus on your feelings, which are unique to you and true for you.

I admit, I have no children, but do work with many of various ages. From what I can tell, usually by Kindergarten or so (younger than your godson) most children understand about hurting people's feelings (often having experienced themselves). Generally, if children understand that they have hurt someone's feelings they feel badly for having done so and do their best to avoid doing so in the future. (totally anecdotal but that has been my experience).

[Blueberry]

Thanks, I like vanilla. That's a really good suggestion. 'I feel' statements - well, I'm not very practised at them considering what I grew up with but my godson and his family aren't FOO! And he's still a child, learning. So it's a teachable moment. I'm still going to have to write your suggestion down because it keeps 'disappearing'.

I'm sure there are other situations in which I will be able to use similar too. It's a case of getting used to thinking and then saying that type of thing.