Feeling responsible for everybody's well-being

[Blueberry]

I know in quite a few people's books feeling responsible for everybody's well-being is termed co-dependency. I don't like that term. It's a misnomer for me.

Sometimes I have fits of feeling so much responsibility here too. Some people's posts are difficult for me to respond to. As moderator I feel even more compelled to than before. I have to save them, they're in difficult straits. I feel a lot of pressure to find the perfect response and the perfect words and perfect thoughts.

Of course nobody on here is expecting that. These are old things from my childhood and from FOO.

Partially it comes from being blamed from a very young age including retroactively to birth for 'all the problems in the family'. So I practised a lot of 'trying to help the whole of FOO heal' as a child and teenager. They didn't actually want to heal from anything, they just wanted to dump their anger and resentment on somebody, and that was me. Anger and resentment are definitely not being dumped on me here! But I still have this urge to help far more than I in actual fact can when somebody's post sounds desperate.

The other thing is the amount of gaslighting on wording I experienced growing up. FOO was always picking up language mistakes and/or saying they couldn't understand me or that I was making no sense, talking nonsense. I'm still very affected by this which makes responding to posts difficult and/or time-consuming. I've been told that I'm perfectionist. Maybe I am. But that grew out of a lot of childhood suffering. No wonder I'm still trying to avoid it and my ICritics by weighing my words.

Sometimes I respond to posts by copying someone else's response and adding the Yeah That emoji, only if I agree with it of course  . It feels a bit lazy but it's better for me. It allows me to do more, get more moderating done, still have time and energy for my own posts and recovery. I'm trying to get used to not having to have an answer for everything and that that doesn't mean I'm a loser or a failure. Those two descriptors have just come up rn along with image of B1 and M. So now I know more precisely what's behind it.

Codependency is too weak and too blaming a word to describe the anguish behind young Blueberries desperately trying to avoid being termed loser and failure by such important family members. What I developed to try and circumvent is well-practised and well-learned behaviour, but what's learned can also be unlearned, with practice. 

[Contessa]

Blueberry, I am glad you have written this post. As a member and modetator, you have been seen about the forum doing so much for it's members while also looking after yourself in your recovery.

I can see that you do a tremendous job, and put a lot of effort and care into  ensuring members are not only heard, but are safe to express themselves. Switching between member and moderator hats can only be emotionally trying.

I see it as like being a student of the class who is also in charge of everyone's academic learning. No easy feat.

I'd just like to say that your efforts are noticed, and every bit appreciated. You are working above and beyond what I could handle if I was in your position. Nobody could justify a 'lazy' label. For us, you are a wonderful guide, and show great leadership. For you, I hope that you are not being overwhelmed at a detriment to your recovery.

My words are not the greatest, so i'll sign off with a  and a  just for being you.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i echo contessa's sentiments. 

i can also relate to your feelings of having to take care of everyone.  it's part of the reason i haven't volunteered to be a mod - i could not handle the pressure i'd put on myself.  being a therapist, i already put that pressure on me about helping others here.

i'm not comfortable with the term co-dependency for this tendency either.  i see co-dep as more of an enabling behavior - co-dep people help keep someone from getting 'well' because they are dependent on taking care of that person.  i don't see you as an enabler here - quite the contrary.

i think you have wonderful insight in both fields - that of mod as well as that of a recovering person.  you had that before you were a mod, too, when you were simply responding as a kind and caring person in this community.  i remember once posting, when i was too sick/tired to be here in any functional way, that i thought i was letting people down by not being here.  everyone, including you, assured me that was not the case.

so, i totally relate to what you're saying.  you're doing a very good job, even when you post  .  sometimes it's the most appropriate thing to do because it fits.  these old messages die hard, that's for sure.  but kudos to you, cuz you keep battling them.  that's a big part of recovery, and it's also role modeling for the rest of us to see that.

being who you are, what you do, what you continue to do is the epitome of success rather than failure.  that's what you show us, blueberry.  there are no losers here - it just can't happen.  sending a warm, loving hug full of reminders of all you've been accomplishing.  you are a valid and valuable member of this community. 

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I can relate to all of that. It is hard to not feel responsible for saving everyone. It is left over from a time when we were expected to.

I feel all of the same ways with moderating here. Like i need to respond with the perfect words, and that even my own posts need to be well worded and thought out. There us a great need to help everyone through there rough days, even if I am having one too. Even now I find myself trying to make sure these are the correct words.

I will echo what everyone else has said here. You do so well, and none of us expect perfection. We are all healing here, which makes this place magical

[Rainagain]

Hi

I'm sorry you feel this pressure blueberry, and the other moderators too.

Nobody is on here because of anything you have done, you are not responsible for our situation or recovery, we are.

Your responsibility is always firstly to yourself, you don't need to feel bad about anything, you are trying to help us and I am appreciative of your efforts.

I would feel bad if I was part of a forum that caused you or anyone extra stress, so please don't let it harm you.

If its not a healing place for you then please be kind to yourself and just log out until you feel that it is.

[Blueberry]

Hello everybody,

Thanks so much for your responses. They're helpful. They keep chipping away at these deeply-entrenched feelings of being responsible for others' sufferings.

Maybe some of that was also caused by M trying to make me responsible for my older B's feelings. On the subject of certain possessions which neither of us had, but he desperately wanted, I was silenced when I mentioned them so as not to make B unhappy and resentful. It sure wasn't my fault that my parents wouldn't let him have them and that he couldn't deal with that. That memory just reoccurred to me but there was worse stuff in connection with B which I just don't want to write out rn.

Rainagain, don't worry. These are feelings which are coming to the fore because of my work as Mod but they aren't being caused by it. A low-level EF, you could say. It's actually quite useful since it's not totally overwhelming. I view one of my biggest and longest-term problems with CPTSD as hardly being able to function in the working-world. The little work I do do whether paid or volunteer can be useful in pointing out to me what I need to look at in order to heal further. A bit like occupational therapy. I feel writing about it here is a good for me. This is a very healing place for me!


Elphanigh, it really helps me to hear that it's similar for you.

Contessa and san, thank you for all the very positive things you write about my moderating! Contessa your words are great. Thinking badly of ourselves is a symptom of CPTSD for lots of us, as illustrated here.

Thanks also for your take on co-dependency, san.

to you all.

[Elphanigh]

Glad it helps, Blueberry. You put it perfectly in your response to Rainagain. It isn't that moderating is the cause, it just helps bring to light some of the older thoughts and patterns

[RecoveryRandal]

First of all, thank you for moderating here. And thank you for doing all the things you need to in order to take care of you. Living into healthy boundaries and self-care is not only good for us as individuals, but it makes us more effective when we do choose to support others.

I suffered from intense parentification and spousification as a child. It was my job to act like the emotional adult in my FOO. Now I often isolate from people because that pull to jump in and help is just so powerful. I'd rather avoid people asking me for things in the first place, because I can get so stressed and feel almost a compulsion to assist them.

But I'm working to move past such rigidity. For me, it requires frequent check-ins to search my motivations. I've also learned to delay my responses in order to give myself a chance to process what *I* really want to do. And I've worked to become more comfortable with simply saying no.

So, go you with your self-awareness! That's huge that you know these things about yourself. And you can work to apply real changes to better your life.

[ah]

Blueberry,

I too am so grateful for everything you're doing here, I'm sure it has a price. It sets you apart and feeling different can surely be triggering.

I feel responsible for others' well-being too, it's such a powerful voice in my head. It tells me I'm bad and a total failure unless others seem perfectly happy all the time.
My guess is it started with my FOO, they were unable to manage their own emotions so whenever others were angry, scared, frustrated or bored I was blamed and punished for it. As an adult I managed to find myself near people who were / are only too happy to reenact all this over and over. Sigh. So it's now about as strong as can be.

But I also know I can't even control my own emotions, so...

I notice OOTS has a similar effect on me. It triggers me and then helps me see things more clearly. 

[Blueberry]

Today I feel relief that a friend, whose M has just died, seems - from her email to all friends - to not need any help right now. She and her sibs have come together emotionally in a way that they hadn't in the weeks and even days coming up to the passing, and so she now feels their support rather than their added stress. 

I note my relief. Though it's not my job to be there for a friend to the point of my feeling as if i'm bearing a weight. I'm trying to work out my feelings and this is a good place to do so. So even if it sounds as if I'm slagging off somebody I view as a good friend, it's not quite that. I'm trying to work out where my own boundaries should be and how to set them.

This friend has often said in last while how her other friends aren't really there for her, but I am. Now I'm thinking that's a discussion she maybe ought to be having with them. Even if it's hard. As I ought to be talking to her too tho it's hard.    I did start recently, a bit. I learned in T that if you're having the same issue with different people over and over again then it's an issue you need to look at yourself. So that would seem to apply to her. Until she does, I probably need to set some limits. Or just be less available. We generally have pretty frequent phone contact. I'd say we depend on each other quite a bit. Part of my worry about setting limits is undoubtedly that she'll drop me like a hot potato if I do. Though she was actually the first person I struggled to set a limit with (inpatient setting) who really accepted it with no problem.

[miaoue]

oh, i want to get on board the Blueberry hype train you're such a kind and caring presence on this forum.

i love what you said about codependency, too...i am SO glad to hear someone else doesn't like the term, and that you put so clearly and bluntly:

Codependency is too weak and too blaming a word to describe the anguish behind young Blueberries desperately trying to avoid being termed loser and failure by such important family members. What I developed to try and circumvent is well-practised and well-learned behaviour, but what's learned can also be unlearned, with practice. 

the very word co-dependency implies that you, the victim, are a collaborator or equal participant ("co-") in the abusive dynamic, and it's your problem that you need or rely ("dependency") on the relationship. ummm...that is a total contradiction of how abuse works: (1) it creates or follows an existing power disparity, e.g. parent/child, then over time, takes more and more autonomy and choice from the victim. how can such a constrained and deprived person be called a co-participant? (2) dependency is not a moral failing. it is either an inherent aspect of your situation (like, if you are a child) and/or fostered by the abuser (for example, not letting you save money or leave their house). in a healthy relationship, interdependence is a good thing on both sides. what makes it unhealthy is when the person you depend on abuses you.

i've been called co-dependent before, on another forum for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and i think that's such bullsh!t. the term comes out of AA, as a way to describe how an alcoholic's family actually enables their addiction and interferes with recovery. soo...is it my responsibility now, for existing where my alcoholic H could shout at me, grab me, and treat me like crap? exactly which part was enabling, was it when i begged him to get some help and he told me to !@*#!@ off? or when i tried to take some time away from him, and he tracked me and followed me? and even worse...now the same term is being applied to children of abusive parents?? wow, please show me the silly misguided child who "enabled" their adult parents to abuse. you won't find one because that's just backwards as all *.

(end rant)

[ah]

miaoue,

I love what you said about codependency, too.

i love what you said about codependency, too...i am SO glad to hear someone else doesn't like the term, and that you put so clearly and bluntly:

Codependency is too weak and too blaming a word to describe the anguish behind young Blueberries desperately trying to avoid being termed loser and failure by such important family members. What I developed to try and circumvent is well-practised and well-learned behaviour, but what's learned can also be unlearned, with practice. 

I really really... really dislike the term codependency. It leaves me feeling weak and stupid, as though I made a life choice to now need to be abused in order to feel happy and fulfilled. Or something like it. When just like you said, it's the absolute opposite. Yeah, it's backwards as *. It's blaming the victim.
I guess it makes sense, because society just won't acknowledge such high levels of helplessness and violence actually do exist. It wants to keep its head in the sand. Being abused and traumatized is your own personality flaw. 

(end rant)

[Blueberry]

Thank you ah and miaoue for your validating responses on co-dependency. Makes sense that it's an AA word. I used to go to 12 Step groups but don't any more partly because of comments on this type of thing being bandied about. I'm not good at not listening. On here I can do that mostly, I think. If it doesn't apply to me, let it go, don't fight it. But if I sit in a 12 Step meeting and hear other people going on about how codependent they were to allow themselves to be abused by parents when they were over 18 and therefore adults and able to defend themselves... not so easy. I would hear that kind of thing and I'd be triggered. Especially since once one person said it, others would latch on.

[Blueberry]

I feel embarrassed at the number of compliments and the gratitude being expressed for my work as Mod and also just about my person. I'm writing that here because expressing this in the place where it's happening makes most sense to me. I wasn't fishing for compliments and I'm still not. Of course yesterday ICr. was telling me I was. Memories rn of F accusing me of that. Yesterday the memories were of B1 accusing me of it.

I wasn't then either. I truly believed I was a bad person, through and through. I don't believe that quite so intensely and deeply any more.

[Contessa]

Baah! We know you weren't fishing, but we can't help stating the facts as we see them

Think not for your ego, just know that what you do for others is working as intended. Keep it up!