I'm Going Solo, but Can't Do This Alone

[PaperClip]

No therapist for me.  No help.  Just me, my mind, my heart and pathetic unyielding depression.  There is only one therapist for which there is hope, but I have no insurance and am poor.  Disability doesn't cover what I have.

My life is toast.  I am toasted mentally.  I need to find a way to heal so I don't toast my entire life.  At times now I have very little control over my behavior.  Therapist that I have seen find me exhausting (or confusing) and they all see me as a meal ticket.  "Job security" one told me.  Yay. 

Most state funded programs' goals are to usher patients into a psychiatrist for medications which do not help me.   I also have kidney problems and won't risk taking meds.

I gotta do this alone, but I cannot do it alone entirely.  Sometimes I know what I'm doing and other times I'm hiding in a closet crying or staying away from my children for hours to keep them emotionally safe. 

The truth is.  I don't want to do this any more despite how far I've come.  The reality is, I must try.

I have untreated DiD for which I cannot control half the time.  I have a loving husband, but we are poor and I must be fully present to care for the kids.

I do well most of the time though I don't know how.  Then I'll backslide if something triggers me and it may take me weeks of my symptoms acting up off and on again before I can be consistent again. 

I didn't ask for this.  I don't want this.  All this does is confirm to "them" that there really is something wrong with me and I am undeserving.  I'll never have a normal life, that's all I ever wanted. I'll never be social, never have f2f friends and I'll never be able to just act normal in public. 

I can no longer carry a facade a face face and a conversation to soothe into a social scene.  All I can do is keep meetings down to 5 minutes and usher myself into seclusion and away from uneducated minds. My isolation is complete.

And I'm so tired.  So very tired.

[RecoveryRandal]

I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you. It's hard to be in that space and not get help when you need it.

I can say that for me daily meditation has made a huge difference in my life. Here are two free resources that may be of interest to you. The first is Insight Timer (https://insighttimer.com/), an app with a range of recorded guided meditations, including for beginners. The other is the guided meditations on UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center's website (http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations).

Both have been helpful for me. And some of the meditations are quite short. So, you can fit them in when you literally only have 5 minutes.

Be well,
Randal

[sanmagic7]

hey, paperclip, very glad you're here.  welcome.

i've also had little luck with therapists, and am going solo now as well.  luckily, this forum has been  a lifesaver and a game changer for me.  i've found support, caring, information, and kindness, all of which have helped me move forward.  am also in a financial lifeboat, so i understand how that feels.  not good.

i give you lots of credit for keeping your children safe.  it shows so much strength on your part.  also, much credit for reaching out here - that always takes courage.  you've taken a large step in your recovery by doing that.  you're not alone anymore.  we may be a cyber-community, but it feels like home to me.  hope to hear more from you when you're ready.      if you want one.

[Dee]

Welcome.  I'm sorry to hear that therapy appears to be out of the question right now.  I am happy to know you have a husband and children you love.  I have also spent time hiding from my kids so they couldn't see me break down, it is an act of love in my opinion.  I did eventually have to come clean with them, but they are older.

It amazes me how people can hurt someone then point the finger saying something is wrong.  Yes, something may be wrong, but not nearly as much as with them.  I have definitely had that experience.

I'm glad you are here.  You are not alone here, ever.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Paperclip, glad you made your way here    I hope it helps you to feel somewhat less isolated and that you have somewhere you can talk about things openly.   

I can really relate to being so tired, trauma really takes it out of us.  I remember describing myself as bone weary when I first started posting.  The best thing I ever did for myself then was stop trying to keep up with everyone.  I built in rest time every single day, usually mid-day and it helps so much. I also try to avoid being overstimulated - even by things you'd think wouldn't be a problem (e.g., take shorter trips to view fall colours now because too much and I come back feeling frazzled).  All the years of being hypervigilant and struggling with trauma and our nervous systems just can't manage as well. If you want to do some reading there's a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" that talks about this.

Hopefully reducing stress as much as possible, getting lots of rest and doing a bit of posting/reading here will help. 

[PaperClip]

Thank you, everyone.

[Kizzie]

 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Aw PaperClip... I feel for you 

My experience of therapists has been very hit and miss, and these are (mainly) ones I've had to pay.

Whereas with the conventional route, eg psychiatrists, I've always instinctively stayed away from, knowing deep down that medication was wrong for me, and never regretting that decision.
I respect your views on that too.

Healing is a journey, and I hope you will find that now you are here, that road won't be so lonely and maybe we can ease each other's pain a little. We are all on it together. Welcome to OOTS 

[PaperClip]

Thank you fen