I feel textbook, CSA symptoms

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Dee

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I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« on: February 19, 2018, 09:51:08 AM »

This is a subject that is always on my mind, some days more than others.  Today is one of those days so I started researching.  This isn't the first time, so I already know what I've read, but that doesn't stop my feelings of being damaged.  Today I read about adult symptoms of CSA and I feel like the poster child.

To name a few:
Boundary issues
Somatic issues
Eating disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Self-harm
Passivity
Relationship issues - entering in adult abusive relationships
Guilt, shame, self blame
Dissociative patterns
Self-esteem issues
Isolating behavior
Disturbed sleeping patterns

I haven't left the house in four days, had a minor relapse in self harm, so my goal is to get out today.  Of course the weather is really bad (for being in a mild climate), but I should go.

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Blueberry

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 10:02:30 AM »
 :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Three Roses

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2018, 10:14:49 AM »
I'll be walking with you, in spirit - with your permission of course. You're so brave! You've overcome so much and done so very well in spite of where you came from. You are so much more than the past, even if it was just yesterday.
An entire ocean cannot sink the smallest ship unless the water gets inside it. Similarly, the negativity of the world can't bring you down unless it gets inside you.

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Elphanigh

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 10:30:56 AM »
Dee, I am with you too if you are okay with that.  :hug: I understand how it feels to be a poster child of it, I am sorry you experience this too. I agree with Three Roses, you are so brave and strong to have come through all that you have been through. I am sending as much warmth and healing as I can your way
“I'm still a believer. Can nobody tame this raging heart
I'm still a dreamer. I'm fighting my way up to the stars
I'm running wild, I'm going out
I'm flying high, I'm screaming out
I'm blowing up, a fire in the sky” -Lea Michelle

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Blueberry

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 11:45:49 AM »
I agree with Three Roses, you are so brave and strong to have come through all that you have been through.

 :yeahthat: especially as your other post from today or yesterday shows how much physical neglect you endured on top of it all. I mean, it's new to me that such terrible physical neglect was part of the package in your case. I'm really sorry you had it so bad. And yet you continue to move forward, standing up again and again and keeping going.

 :yourock:  :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Dee

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2018, 02:58:12 PM »

Thank you all.  My T has told me I am brave, my cousin said the same, and now here.  I've never thought that way about myself before.

I think that physical neglect has to be a part of the package.  Going to a Dr. would have been a huge risk of discovery.  My mom, was basically absent in my home.  I think it is all part of the dynamic in something like this.  If my mom was healthy and attentive, then it wouldn't have happened.  My dad had a secret to protect.

I got out today, it helped.  I was really jumpy, on edge, but it was okay. I'm exhausted now.  I've taken on too much lately, time to slow down, I was asking too much of myself.

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Elphanigh

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 03:29:53 PM »
Dee, can I send some gentle hugs as a reminder of how cared for you are ? :hug:

I am sorry that you went through so much, no one should ever have to.

It is good you got out today. Take the much needed time to rest, dear. You truly deserve it for all that you do
“I'm still a believer. Can nobody tame this raging heart
I'm still a dreamer. I'm fighting my way up to the stars
I'm running wild, I'm going out
I'm flying high, I'm screaming out
I'm blowing up, a fire in the sky” -Lea Michelle

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Dee

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2018, 08:09:23 PM »

Thanks you for the hugs, I do feel cared for.

 :hug: back  :)

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Elphanigh

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2018, 08:11:36 PM »
I am so glad  :hug: Hugs tend to be my way of communicating compassion to my own fault probably
“I'm still a believer. Can nobody tame this raging heart
I'm still a dreamer. I'm fighting my way up to the stars
I'm running wild, I'm going out
I'm flying high, I'm screaming out
I'm blowing up, a fire in the sky” -Lea Michelle

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sanmagic7

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2018, 09:54:22 AM »
dee, i missed this post, but i want to echo everyone saying how brave you are.  you have gone thru so much, and are a shining example of continuing to pick yourself up and head back into battle.  kudos to you, dear dee.  you truly are an inspiration to others.

i'm glad you managed to get out.  sounds like it's time for a break.  keep taking care of yourself as best you can, sweetie.  we're standing with you.  warm, loving hug to you.
learn something from everything.

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Dee

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Re: I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2018, 06:54:33 PM »

Thank you San