Puff the Magic Dragon Joins the Circle Game...

[woodsgnome]

***can be triggering...dark brooding***

One of the songs I used to enjoy was Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game. I'm not recalling all the verses at the moment, just the theme--up and down, captured on a carousel of time, but mostly I recall the soulful melody (I'm definitely more of a tune person...lyrics tend to escape me--memorizing words always triggers memories of being beaten and worse for mashing up bible verses we were supposed to learn).

Like many, I've gone through lots of cycles and circles in the hunt for something good from any of this repetitive game. I go through periods where I'm sure I've accepted the circle game and I'm really okay with life again. And...again...I crash and burn, and yet the game continues (it doesn't need me anyway). Endlessly and predictively, the only memories that stick are those of utter shame and surrender--except it's not that positive sort of surrender I keep hearing exists; mine comes wrapped in layers of agonizing grief.

It seemed so bold to find that new direction, do it on my own besides, and never look back. So goes the myth. Mind you, myths can actually be true, not in a factual but in a moral sense. I get that. I also accept it--and then accept that no, I really don't fully accept it, at all. Acceptance is just the latest mantra in the search for peace with senselessness. Round comes the next round of acceptance and...since I have no one else to reject me, I step in and become my own surrogate worst enemy. It would be odd were it otherwise, I suppose; if only it weren't just so puking regular. The Circle Game--can I just get off now?

I used to joke with my T about trying my best to not look nice, as when I was molested as a kid that phrase "my, but you're so cute" would be in the mix of taunts that I couldn't defend against. Now I've succeeded big time--lots of extra pounds to drag around, erasing any danger of mistaken cuteness.

Where am I going with this? The usual nowhere, but perhaps I'm testing to see if it really does feel that good to get it out. Yeah...it does. I just hope I haven't burdened anyone else with this. It's pointless, but in doing so it only acts as a mirror for a very sad person describing his own version of *. Sadly, I can hear the chorus rising: ..."just get over it."

Thanks for listening, and propping up the mirror. Do I laugh or cry? I'm good at both.

Turning back to old songs, there was another ballad sung by Peter, Paul, and Mary...a bouncy tune which spoke of Puff the Magic Dragon and how sad Puff was when his playmates no longer came, as they had apparently grown out of their childhood ways. Maybe I'm Puff--still waiting for someone to come in the first place. Not sad because they've left, only that they never made it to Puff's neighbourhood. To play. And frolic, and be normal.

Now do I actually post this dark messy tangle of self-pity? I've pouted like this before and held off sharing it--but isn't it supposed to be healing--whatever that is--to reach beyond one's comfort zone? Okay--there's the 'post' button, give in to my bad vibes and cross that comfort line...maybe it's all Puff is good for anyway.

[Three Roses]

Hmmm...I really didn't get a broody, moody, messy tangle of self pity out of this.

Getting older has definitely spurred me to examine my beliefs about my physical appearance. I have to say I'm becoming more and more comfortable with rejecting the whole notion. It's been a long time coming, and one of the benefits of my new philosophy is really, truly not caring what I look like. (This can have a down side.  )

Acceptance is just the latest mantra in the search for peace with senselessness.

This is my new favorite quote!   

Thanks for this post; I usually find what you have to say illuminating, thought provoking - this post was for me. 

[Dee]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now.

The circle game (I need to listen to it) reminds me of "why does the sun keep on shining."  Those lyrics always resonated with me.  "Don't they know it's the end of the world."  For me it is about how life goes on when I feel like I can't.

Venting is good.

[radical]

I'm glad you posted, Woodsgnome,

I've just finished listening to 'the Circle Game'.  I can understand why it might have the effect you described. Hearing it again set my teeth on edge.

You didn't burden me -  no bad vibes at all, just glad you are back. It's what friends are for, sharing experiences and feelings.  I know my own version of what you describe, and now I'll feel a little less alone when I'm back there again.

[Rainagain]

The search for peace with senselessness.

Exactly.

[Slackjaw99]

I experienced the same a couple weeks ago when they announced the upcoming Mr. Rodgers biopic and documentary.

[sanmagic7]

glad you posted, wg.  i saw no whining or self-pity.  i do hope it helped to get some of it out. 

laugh or cry?  or just accept.  i loved what you said about acceptance, too. 

really sorry that your 'cute' ness was used against you.  that's horrible.  a pox on them.

lovely warm hug for you.  thanks. 

[woodsgnome]

I'm terrible at acknowledging kindness others show towards me. I hear all of you, and my reaction can be rather blank--wondering if good words can ever really be about me, or penetrate beyond my armoured stiff self. You know--I'm afraid of the other shoe dropping...the 'but here it comes' moment.

So I will drop it now and soak up the encouragement. I have to admit feeling a tinge of disbelief, but I'll ask you overlook that. I really can't thank you enough. Still looking for that meetup with Puff--can't wait to share the joy of being accepted for being ourselves, even--or especially--in rough times.

But Puff is 'out there'--and you're all right here. You're all so wonderful!

[DecimalRocket]

Hi w.g, I'm here too.

I don't see you as whining either. We all need to vent sometimes. Especially with what many of us have gone through. I don't see someone being an overwhelming mess of self pity. I see someone who's trying to grow by sharing his story. Someone who's trying to heal with a community.