On Of Us Is Out To Lunch [TW, Read Cautiously]

[PaperClip]

I have DiD and most things dealt with are of a TW nature.  You have been warned. I wish for you to feel loved by warm genuine hearts and safe in your homes and with your friends or family. 

"I just want to become a little lighter in my step and a little easier in my being."

I heard this a long time ago and knew it true for myself.  I get closer all the time.  I degraded myself for decade because introspection, self revelation and most types of self help behaviors availed few results.    I hated myself for it, concluding that "they" were correct in that I'm this terrible person deserving of nothing and should just go away or try to remain invisible.

When I was diagnosed as multiple, I was relieved of this self hatred while simultaneously appalled at the  hurdles to recovery that would be required of me and also the reality that I would never recover to any normal sense.  I would never see what I consider normal from myself.  Thusly, I would never see a normal  life as I understood it.
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2 days ago I was performing some of what I call inner child work in dealing with an intrusive memory.  This has worked well for me in the past, but this time something different happened.   When I was done, I became angry and had the potential to become abusive.  I noticed right away and noticed it was directly connected to the memory somehow or the pain of this memory. 

I need to find out more about this and how to cope, heal and let go.  I'm very happy to have found the connect or the source of part of my anger. 

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Yesterday I became upset, yet again.  This was more of an outburst but more related to my own frustration with myself.  I've been attempting to diet.  The reason is for my health.  My husband loves me the way I am.  My children love me the way I am. I do not love me the way I am.

My daughter has always referenced my obesity in some fashion.  She's innocent with this.  I encourage her to be open with me and force myself to be accepting.  She learns to love herself and accept herself in this way.  Recently, we've been joking in a loving way.  She will say, "I love you marshmallow." with inference to my obesity.  I respond with, "I love you too, french fry." in reference to her being thin. 

But I fell off my diet the other day and I was upset about it though I didn't realize it.  When she approached me with the "marshmallow" sentiment and looking for playful love, I snapped.  I pulled back, but too late.  She was crying.  My husband was there and he tried to defend me which was wrong.  I was still mentally upset and even more so because I realized I was reacting wrongly and had countered my original encouragement of this type of conversation.   

So, in this mess I'm trying to explain to my husband that it is a loving character description which I had encourage and I was reacting contrary and that I just hurt her feelings because of it.  Then I ventured into self hatred.

Why?  Why did I just snap?  I just hurt my child's feelings!  Why must I be such a monster occasionally?  Will I ever get better?  (I am, actually.)

What happened next is my daughter watched me wallow in self loathing. I had turned my anger onto myself after I told her candidly, she did nothing wrong and Mommy was being ugly again.  I watched her face turn from her own hurt and focus on me.  She cried even more from watching her mother in so much self-hatred and mental anguish.  I've never seen this before.  Perhaps, I've never been able to see it in her before.  Watching me suffer in such agony is clearly painful to her.  It breaks my heart.. this entire scenario.   It doesn't happen often,but when it does it's devastating.

I held her and comforted her as best I could while reassuring her she did absolutely nothing wrong.  She was accepting and when she calmed down she was open and with honesty and a simple joy she said, "I know what to do when you get grump, Mom.  I just back off and leave you alone."  She smiled. I smiled and agreed and hugged her gently .. the mom she loves.

I just want my babies to be validated when they are hurt, comforted when they feel trapped, understood when they feel rejected.  I want them to understand that it's NOT okay to be abused in such a fashion.  They need to be able to tell the difference.  And I think they do understand, but there's probably scars still yet.   

I am grateful to be getting closure to the origin of my anger outbursts.  I am grateful to have the presence of mind now to see so much into this situation instead of being blacked out by emotional pain from trauma. 

[PaperClip]

b -

Hormonal imbalance related to disjointed thyroid function!  Problems are not solely caused by Type 2 diabetes.  Severely restricted carbohydrate intake (because you're lazy) and irregular eating patterns can cause severe hormonal disruptions that mimic symptoms of mental health issues.  You incurred one such disruption in the form of your outburst with her.  You had ingested a high amount of carbohydrates while in a state of ketosis.  Remember the bagel?  You ate two of them, right?  Reconsider your diet options, regulate your intake and measure  food, and measure those grams so you can ditch the pickle juice.  Seriously?   

-m

[PaperClip]

Mattie! 

I love you.  It's nice to see you here.  Please stay technical here until we know the boundaries in this public place.  I love so much that you are coming here. 

Hashimoto?  The fasting feels more stabilizing.

I know you need to work, honey.  Everyone is excited about it.  We need to heal too.  Be patient.  Please come back sometimes.

[PaperClip]

b -

1.  As you wish. Whatever.
2. I think so.  Need blood work and possible scans.
3. I'm still waiting. We need to get moving.  The EMSA regulations are swiftly moving the dynamics.  Even Cypress is getting on board.

Remember:  Spanish and then Mandarin

m-

[PaperClip]

m -

How much time do you need?  No overnights, okay?  You know about the rest agreement.   

[PaperClip]

b -

A week for entrenchment, two weeks for habit reinforcement, three weeks to consistency.   I'm sure someone will create hurdles, but I'll manage.  All these include Early afternoon to late evenings, but every day.

-m

[PaperClip]

Mattie

Okay.  I love you.  You can do this. 

[sanmagic7]

i love you, too, all of the you's.  i have faith in you.

i think you did a great thing with your daughter.  as parents, we will never be perfect, but breaking that cycle of constant abuse, trauma, and our own survival mechanisms is tough.  being able to comfort your d when she saw you in agony sounds wonderful.   talking to her about it, wonderful also.  she's learning thru you that it's ok to make mistakes, it's important to make amends, and that love trumps all.  well done.

i'm very glad for you that you were able to make that connection about your anger.  i see that as progress.  also glad about being able to connect the relationship between what we eat with how it affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally.
thanks for sharing this, paperclip.  it seems to me that you're on a positive track to getting a lot of your selves together. 

warm, caring hug to you, if you want it.

[PaperClip]

You made me cry tears of relief.  Thank you so much for the acceptance and encouragement.  My FOO was never close. 

I received my first hug from the it when I was almost 14 years old after it joined Alanon.  it did not continue her progress, tho.  I never forgot that one act of love for the wrong reasons. 

I can toss out symptoms of borderline personality disorder.  It seems small in comparison? LOL  I could hear my child: "Mom. Can I have a hug?"  That's all it took. My vision would black out, but hugs saved me/us and rage ended.  Now, I hear "Mom. You need a hug?"  BOOM   Seconds and inches away from developing sociopath as I fear, saved by hugs. 

I was reading yesterday some items with links on this site.  The information on neglect and emotional abandonment are so helpful, but ... my kids.   Like the other day when she was crying, she was crying like a toddler.  Sometimes, she begins crying for no reason at random moments.  Now I know why.  Now I know what to do.  If I ask her what's wrong, she doesn't know.  I became okay with this and comfort her after pushing my native annoyance to the side.   Now I know what's going on.   I'm giddy to know what more I can do.

Today I'm making my 13yo son watch PBS little kids shows with his 10yo sister - social stuff.  He's restless and embarrassed, but .... Funny, if I pick up a book - even for babies and toddlers - and read them aloud, there's my 13yo sitting and listening.  Now I know why.  Now I know I will do this a lot and talk to the little boy who needs me!

Last night, I did not order them to go brush their teeth.  I gently nudged them in that direction and went in with them.  I talked to them like they were toddlers that had never brushed before.  I know they consider it a chore, not a habit for self-love.  They need so much love.

I read last night about reaching his younger self that was missed over while I was in dissociation or fugue for long periods of time. 

Can I help them heal?  I'm gonna try, by gollies!   

[sanmagic7]

will gladly send hugs.  i find them grounding, personal, and for a very long time this kind of touch was the only real way i felt connected to people. 

will write more later.  sick yesterday and today.  in the meantime, sending warm, caring, accepting hugs to you.  that made me smile.   

[PaperClip]

OOh. I hope it's not the flu.  Been bad this year!  Hope it pass through quickly. 

[Blueberry]

PaperClip, I feel really moved about how you're working to help your own children (as opposed to Inner Children).   

I don't have children btw and I don't think I could manage the way so many of you do here on the forum.

[PaperClip]

Today I met the child with all the secrets.  My FOO should be grateful I went NC a very long time ago. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the well wishes, p.c.  i don't think it's the flu - it's my system's habit of going bonkers on me when i do too much good stuff for myself.  it's frustrating.

the child with the secrets, huh?  the secret keeper.  that sounds like it could definitely spell trouble for certain people.  take care of that child, like you do all the rest.  including your kids.  they are all in good hands with you. 

since i'm not aware of having other firmly delineated personalities in myself, i'm curious as to what it's like to meet another.  if this is too forward, i meant no offense, and you can certainly ignore it.   

sending a hug full of warmth and love.

[PaperClip]

At first I was glad to read it wasn't the flu, but the flu is easier to get rid of me thinks.  I know how the mind can act like an auto-immune system, attacking itself unless we're under bad stuff.  I totally get that. 

I was at the therapist who diagnosed me.  I was rambling on.  T changed her demeanor and cocked her head with empathy and said, "Well. Who do we have here?" as if she were speaking to a child.   I was confused.  What made her think a child was in front of her?

I looked down at my body.  I had my thumb pressed on the notebook in my lap with the other 4 fingers flying while I was twisting my hand around in a child-like fashion.  I had been kicking my leg out off the edge of the couch just like a bored child. 

I totally freaked.  When this stuff becomes a real, I'm just as skeptical as any outsider.   I didn't believe it, honestly.  It made sense, but I just couldn't.  Even as I was attempting to heal, deep down I didn't think it possible.  Then, I had some integration.  The favorite, Deanne, everyone loved.  We integrated.  When my son asked if she was around he cried in mourning.  Then, I knew how very real this stuff is.  Still Bizarre.

The first time I completely separated via dissociation while being cognizant, it felt like my soul was being ripped apart.  I rose from the couch, into the air, and was looking down and saw that little girl.  It was like meeting someone new and simultaneously getting the feeling of seeing a very deep and dear friend.  The type of friend that you have an undying fondness for and that you hadn't seen in a long while.  Only you've never really seen them before.  The emotions were painful.  Every emotion she had hit me all at once.  I think this is why it hurt so bad.  It's bizarre.   I was unable to maintain for long this way.  It was physically painful.   

Looking back, I think T was rushing things.   

I became like Sybil.  The fugue is not extreme. I don't have alternate wardrobes and my fugue does is not noticeable to all except those closest to me.  I've been mostly co-conscious all my life.  I did have a watch, too.  I never took it off and ensured it was waterproof.  I took it off after I married my husband.  I was safe with him.  He said once, "You never take that watch off."   Once I took it off, I began to unravel until I had very little control.