Stifled Creativity - Effect of Inner/Outer Critic or Something Else?

[Hope67]

I wasn't sure where to write this.  I wrote in my Journal the following today:

"Also, I am scared to let my creativity out - and I think that is down to a fear to do with an occasion when I attended a Art therapy group (just one session) and it really frightened me as I painted myself screaming a torrent of 'stuff' out of my mouth - it really scared me.  Hence I worry about painting and 'allowing' myself to 'let go' in a creative sense.  But yet, I really want to - because I think being creative would be good for me."

I am wondering what holds me back - is it the 'fear' of what 'will come out' if I allow myself to be creative?  Or is it the fact that when I was a small child my F 'accidentally' burned my childhood stories that I'd written (and I had believed a was good at writing then, as the teachers had praised me on my writing) - but then the fire blazed and they were all gone. 

Is it that I fear I won't be 'any good' when I write?  What is it?  The same for drawing and painting - I'd like to - and I did do both when I was a child and also until I was about 17 years of age, and then after that - nothing.  I've dabbled occasionally - and I enjoy it when I do it, but somehow I don't pursue it - and I'd like to.

Again, maybe it's the procrastination thing - I was talking about that in my diary too - something holding me back, telling me 'don't bother' 'why bother' 'you can't do it' etc.

I know it's hard to answer these questions, when I can't answer them myself, but I just wanted to share this dilemma here, and ask if anyone relates, and how you've tackled it, or what you've done to get 'over it'.

I feel as if I'm being 'held back' by some invisible cord that won't let me express myself, in any way.  It's a weird thing.

I need to let myself loose and get free of it, but I'm not entirely sure what it is that's contstraining me. 

Hope 

[miaoue]

hi Hope, i'm afraid i can't help but wanted to say i'm glad you posted about this...i relate completely, used to be very creative and now i feel like i want to draw or write but it's somehow stuck.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I wonder if it's your inner critic holding you back, you know you have a talent but your inner critic and how you feel about yourself is stopping you going ahead with it. I'm a bit like that with my writing , I love writing and find it therapeutic but sometimes I pick up the pen and feel stuck that I can't write anything, I have that negative inner voice telling me why bother, you're a waste of space etc.
I have now been told to write down 3 positive things about the day every day and write 3 positive things about myself every day, apparently this changes the neurological make up in the brain and the more positive you can be about yourself the more you will believe in it thus believing in yourself. This is hard tho especially if you are feeling completely stuck.

[Hope67]

Hi Miaoue,
Thank you so much for your reply - and I am sorry to hear you are also feeling stuck with your creativity.  I really hope that we can get back to enjoying some creativity - in time - and work out how to remove that stuck part.

Hi Eyessoblue,
Your reply is really helpful - I think you could be right about the inner critic coming in - when you described the things yours says to you - I related to all those things - mine does that to me too - it's horrible.  But the things you've been suggested to try - writing down 3 good things about the day every day and also 3 positive things about yourself - they sound really helpful to do.  I have already got a small book to write some 'positive things' in - but I've not been 'doing it' regularly - only occasionally - and I think I'll try what you're doing - and try to do it every day - with the 3 things.  Thank you.   

I am pleased that I don't appear to be 'completely stuck' - just stuck some of the time, and enough of the time that I never seem to 'make any progress'.  But I discovered I had some fun with some dot to dots - which someone bought me at Christmas time, and I finished all of those - and somehow it was really 'enjoyable'.  I really felt as if another part of my brain was engaged as I did them - and it calmed me.  So maybe I'll buy another 'dot to dot' book - and maybe then I might actually try to draw something or paint something.  I don't know.  But thank you for your reply, as you've got me thinking about how to 'do something' and that's really helpful.  Thank you so much, Eyessoblue.   

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

You're welcome, hope it works for you, I too forget to do it regularly tho and need to get into a routine of doing so.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
Yes, getting into a routine would be good - I have discovered I'm not great at sticking to routines - but I am going to hope to try to do more 'self-care' and 'routines' - and maybe they will be helpful.  I am definitely going to include listing those things - more positive things - good luck to both of us in doing that.   

____

I've just had another link that makes some sense of my 'stifled creativity' - and that was due to reading a post that Tea-the-artist had written about 'building routines' - I just wanted to pop back here and write about that link, rather than hijack her thread too much (my inner critic has been telling me off for even writing in other threads - words like "how can you say anything, who cares what you think" kind of stuff - and I'm trying not to listen to that, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore that).

Anyway, the link that came to mind was the fact that when I was very little, I used to enjoy cutting out scraps from magazines - you know, pictures of men and women in clothes, and nice views, and anything that I 'related to' and doing collages with them - and I know that at school someone appreciated that and encouraged it, but when I was doing it at home - my NM somehow made me feel as if it wasn't 'the thing to do'. 

I can't remember exactly how she put me off doing it, or even if she said anything - to discourage me, but the thing is I turned away from something enjoyable and didn't really go back to it.

As an adult now, I have recently bought some pinking scissors so that I can cut out some things from magazines, to create story boards for putting into files that I've created for my 'younger wounded me's' - things they might each like - so I have 'bought the scissors' but so far not acted on the thought of doing that creative thing, for my wounded inner parts.

But I think it's progress - I just need to 'act' on the thoughts/intentions now.

I need to push through this feeling of being 'stuck' - battle with my 'inner critic' 'inner critics' - or at least work with them to negotiate allowing myself to be 'free' to choose what I want to do.

My inner critic is telling me right now - 'you're pathetic you know.  You should be doing 'adult things' - not playing around with paper and glue.  Grow up!' - but I am going to counter that with 'There's part of me that is young, and vulnerable and hurt, and needs some care and attention - and I'm going to give her what she needs, as noone else did that for her in a consistent or at all loving way.'  'She needs my help'.  'I'm going to help her'.

I have just connected to something very 'strong' there, as it brought tears to my eyes and my throat has filled up with emotion.  So I know she heard me - or at least that's how that feels.

I'll stop writing now, but I'm glad to have written this.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Isn't it incredible (and very validating) how different threads and ideas in them all start to link up and make so much sense of our stories.

And so much comes back to our inner critics. 

Like you,  Hope,  I was steered away from being childish. I think my nm actually found it embarrassing.  Similar to your experience,  my book of drawings (mainly of houses I would have liked to live in) disappeared and I am sure nm threw it away.  She was very inconsistent though, because at other times she would demand we behaved like children,  like being told to build sandcastles,  in our mid-teens because that's what people do on holiday.  She never joined in, though.

I am definitely getting some creativity back. In fact,  it is a really important thing for me. I sew my own clothes; knit my own jumpers and am very creative with food. I learned a lot of these things from nm in the first place and yet she could never be positive about anything I produced. I was scared to cook her a meal or wear anything I made. I can do these things now I am NC but still have her voice telling me that my efforts aren't good enough.

Please keep going with all of your creative ideas, writing, collage, art. I think you are absolutely right in the feeling that it nurtures your inner child. After all, as we talked about in the post about socialising, we were stopped from being who and what we should have been. Now we are trying to put this right.

All the best to you,  Hope.

Libby

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope, I think our inner critics must be related as yours is saying exactly the same as mine!!
I like the idea of bringing creativity in to help the inner child, I too used to love doing scrap books and like Libby I used to draw or cut out big houses that would be my new home, also I'd cut out pictures of people I wanted to be my family, I guess an escapism into my perfectly created world!!

[DecimalRocket]

The fear to create is very common in many creatives. Even in those who weren't traumatized. Lots of us weren't encouraged to embrace failure. Really, more of us were taught that failure is bad and getting the 'right' answer is good. We've been taught since we were told that there was only one answer in a multiple choice question, when sometimes life is more of an essay with open ended questions.

You're right about routines as being essential. Lots of creatives look for a routine to create everyday or at least once a week. They practice even if they aren't particularly inspired or particularly calm to create. Eventually it trains them to be able to create much more often. Creativity is like a muscle. It gets stronger the more you use it.

I remember having to make a calculator for trigonometric functions for a programming project. But I twisted it a little to have the totals come out with numbers appearing in mythological and fantastical monsters battling, devouring and dancing with these numbers. Mixing this made me freak out because it was so different from the other projects and some terrible flashbacks.

Creativity can appear in the most unexpected spaces  even as you go through everyday life. Ideas we create can form us emotionally, practically, mentally and spiritually. Creativity isn't just something you do. It's a way of life.

Good luck then, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby, Eyessoblue & Decimal Rocket,

I didn't see your replies till today, and I've enjoyed reading them, and thank you all so much for what you said.  The area of 'stifled creativity' - it is something I want to pursue, in terms of allowing myself finally to 'be creative' - and I am going to try to do so, in various ways - because I think I owe it to my inner children to allow them to 'play' and 'create' and 'enjoy'.

There's nothing wrong with that! 

Here's to Creativity - something that shouldn't be stifled, but should be allowed to be expressed and 'felt'.

Hope 

[LittleBoat]

Hi Hope.
Your posts about creativity are extremely poignant and Very easy for me to relate to.  I am a poet, essentially.  But I have also been a performer/singer, worked (when younger) in the visual arts, and also danced.  The performative activities were easy to carry out, but the writing has always been a huge struggle.  I'm sure, like you suspect, that my nm telegraphed messages to me that I was no good at it or it made me a "not nice" person.  The irony is that I earned a Ph.D. in poetry and poetics, taught and wrote poetry for years, to positive reviews, but the inner critic and, I'm learning, the outer critic conspire to silence me.  I am learning and just beginning to integrate the realization that my nm was extremely jealous of my talents.  She wasn't very clever and couldn't keep up.  Even when I was little.  When I have written over the years, I've felt like a salmon swimming upstream because I have had to constantly push back against the voices trying to shut me down.  I think that if I had at least a "good enough" mother, I would have allowed myself more exposure in terms of publishing and accepting reading invitations, applying to writers colonies and conferences, and just ....  do the things that poets do.  Thank you so much for sharing your insights.  That you keep a journal to work out how forces are operating in the deeper recesses of your psyche is beyond commendable, as it is very difficult to do.  And very valuable to others who struggle as you do.  So, I say, give yourself kudos for the creativity you're not even calling creativity, which is your self examination and journalling.  There are not many who dig deep in this way.  It is some of the hardest creative (and most valuable) work of all.  And you're already doing it.  All best, Little Boat

[Hope67]

Hi LittleBoat,
Thank you so much for your reply here - and I am feeling emotional reading what you wrote - you have clearly been extremely creative in your own life - wow, a Poet, that is wonderful.  Also, a Performer/Singer, worked in Visual Arts and also Danced.  I am truly impressed by your range of talents, and it's great that you also earned your Ph.D. in Poetry and Poetics.  I am so sorry however to hear that your inner and outer critic have conspired to silence you - and I hope very much that you can free yourself once again from their constraints.  Allow yourself to write freely and express yourself once again.  I also have a NM - but I am not in contact with her anymore, and I am still trying to shake off the shackles of toxicity that my experience with her and my enabling F left me with.  Even though I just wrote that, there is part of me that feels incredibly 'guilty' for writing that, because for many decades I protected them, and wouldn't think badly of them.  I literally couldn't see what they had been doing.  I was blind to it.  Although parts of me knew, and always remembered.

I really like what you wrote when you mentioned "how forces are operating in the deep recesses of your psyche" - I think that is definitely the case - they are operating constantly, and they have kept me going all these years,  and I've been unaware of some of them, but I am gradually beginning to wake up to the reality of them, and get to know them.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, and I am beginning to wonder if I can be creative - I know I would love to be.  I think it would be a great part of my recovery to incorporate it, and you've helped me to realise that maybe I am already being creative - in terms of my journal.  Thank you so much LittleBoat, and I look forward to communicating more with you - sending you a hug if that's ok  - and I hope you'll continue to be creative and poetic and anything else you want to do.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I have a lot of stifled creativity too. I think it has an awful lot to do with the ridicule and criticism I was almost constantly subjected to by my FOO: M and B1, and in a more covert way, F.

As an adult now, I have recently bought some pinking scissors so that I can cut out some things from magazines, to create story boards for putting into files that I've created for my 'younger wounded me's' - things they might each like - so I have 'bought the scissors' but so far not acted on the thought of doing that creative thing, for my wounded inner parts.

But I think it's progress

It certainly is! 

I have quite a bit of trouble acting on this kind of thing too. I have creative projects of this type in my head that I have not been getting on with for 2-3 years and more. Cut out some of the pictures, but not glued them anywhere. otoh a good few years ago in earlier stages of healing, I did do quite a few collages, which I then stuck up on my walls. They helped me follow goals. I also did fun stuff with ICs e.g. foot painting with finger paints    That's something I never would have got to do in my childhood. Didn't even have finger paints. 

Anyway, the link that came to mind was the fact that when I was very little, I used to enjoy cutting out scraps from magazines - you know, pictures of men and women in clothes, and nice views, and anything that I 'related to' and doing collages with them - and I know that at school someone appreciated that and encouraged it, but when I was doing it at home - my NM somehow made me feel as if it wasn't 'the thing to do'. 

I can't remember exactly how she put me off doing it, or even if she said anything - to discourage me, but the thing is I turned away from something enjoyable and didn't really go back to it.

It's great that someone at school (teacher?) appreciated and encouraged what you were doing  . That artistic, creative part of you is undoubtedly still there, just a bit buried or hidden. My M managed to show me in various ways (without saying or doing anything covertly, tho she did that too) that she didn't approve of quite a lot of what I did / thought / said / wanted. So I can really feel for you there. 

My inner critic is telling me right now - 'you're pathetic you know.  You should be doing 'adult things' - not playing around with paper and glue.  Grow up!' - but I am going to counter that with 'There's part of me that is young, and vulnerable and hurt, and needs some care and attention - and I'm going to give her what she needs, as noone else did that for her in a consistent or at all loving way.'  'She needs my help'.  'I'm going to help her'.

Wise words to counteract ICr.

I just need to 'act' on the thoughts/intentions now.

One of my biiiig problems too. So I'm wondering, do you think it might be helpful to start a Creativity thread for Inner Children over here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=137.0 ? It could be just a thread for you and your Inner Children, where other people could maybe comment and encourage you, or it could be a thread where any of us on here could write what they'd done towards letting out their IC's creativity. A picture could be posted, but wouldn't need to be. It could be : I did xy with IC today. Encourageing self and others to keep going.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for your reply and for the idea to start up a new thread about Creativity for the Inner Children in us.  I really think that's a good idea, and I am going to do it!

It was helpful to read about your experiences of how your Creativity has also been stifled, by your FOO, and I am sorry that we've had to endure and experience that.

I'm going to open up that new thread now - whilst I'm thinking of it, and thank you again for encouraging me.

Hope