Building Routines

Started by tea-the-artist, March 03, 2018, 04:45:15 AM

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tea-the-artist

I wonder if others have had some issues with consistency. growing up i didn't really have much of a routine or things planned for me other than going to school and maybe vacation every summer or so till middle school.

But now I'm thinking of how to even do this for myself. I've never been good at planning and sticking to it. I don't know if it's The Trauma or what.. I just have a hard time CARING enough to stick with a plan! It feels awful, because maybe that's what little me needs to have? like for self-parenting, if that makes sense, and my inability to do this.

I feel like my own parents who just did things as they came from what I could tell. I wasn't the club type of kid outside the high school paper, so there was never anything for them to schedule so I haven't really been able to manifest it myself for my own self-care routine.

I feel silly because it sounds like I'm asking for help on how to care :( I'm sure a T could help but I still just don't have the access to one.

Libby183

Hi,  tea-the-artist.

I may be making this topic overly simple, but it sounds rather as if, your parents didn't give you enough care,  in a good, consistent, predictable way. So, you internalised the message that you weren't worthy of this. Then, that is how you treat yourself now.

As a child and young adult, I had every moment of every day planned out by my nm, mostly to suit her. I had to be busy doing something useful at all times. It is only recently that I have been able to give myself time to do things I want to do, or just relax.

Either way,  it's time for us to care for ourselves.

Tell yourself you deserve to be looked after, identify what could make you feel good, and maybe start to build a simple routine into your day. The main thing,  I think,  is to make it all about you.

I think you are absolutely on the right track in thinking that a self care routine will be good for you,  and I wish you all the best.

Libby.

Hope67

Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 03, 2018, 04:45:15 AM
I've never been good at planning and sticking to it. I don't know if it's The Trauma or what.. I just have a hard time CARING enough to stick with a plan! It feels awful, because maybe that's what little me needs to have? like for self-parenting, if that makes sense, and my inability to do this.

I feel like my own parents who just did things as they came from what I could tell. I wasn't the club type of kid outside the high school paper, so there was never anything for them to schedule so I haven't really been able to manifest it myself for my own self-care routine.


I really relate to this, Tea-the-artist.  Very much so. 

I really like what you wrote - it makes sense. 

My own experience was such that my FOO kept me away from organised clubs etc, very much kept me apart from everything really - controlling me in many ways - but at the same time meaning I often had long hours of trying to 'parent myself' - and I think I was ok when I was working, as there was 'routine' - but now I'm no longer working - and have to build my own routine - it's hard to do.  Hard to stick to anything, and also hard to 'look after my own needs' - I totally relate to what you said here.

I also really relate to what you said Libby - it doesn't sound overly simple - it sounds really 'spot-on' - at least for me, and I relate to it.  Thank you. 

This has also helped me to make a link regarding my stifling of my creativity, as I recognise that my NM 'moved me away' from some of my playing to do 'more useful things' - but they were 'useful' in 'her' view, and not mine.  My 'younger self' wanted to be allowed to play and create - but I feel that was stifled.

Tea-the-artist - I agree with Libby that you're on the right track thinking that a self-care routine would be good for you.  I also, wish you the all the best with that. 

Thank you for posting this.

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 03, 2018, 04:45:15 AM
I've never been good at planning and sticking to it. I don't know if it's The Trauma or what.. I just have a hard time CARING enough to stick with a plan! It feels awful, because maybe that's what little me needs to have? like for self-parenting, if that makes sense, and my inability to do this.

Sounds very familiar. Except there have been some plans I stuck to and pulled off, but they tended to be larger plans. Like getting a degree, moving to another country. The smaller, routine, day-to-day stuff I find much harder.

Sometimes envisaging little Blueberries can help me with self-care. I imagine my 4 year old and want to care for her so I do wash my face in the morning, or make a warm meal. However doing that daily exhausts me no end.

It also helps me to sort out what I think I 'should' do and what I actually want to do. Those 'should' statements either come from FOO or sometimes the society at large. I 'should' lose weight. But I don't want to, not really. There's some psychological reason that I haven't got to the bottom of yet that makes me want my weight. So any routines I have ever tried with a view to losing weight or physically being more active - well I just don't stick to them. Trying to make myself is incredibly tiring and in the end isn't worth it because I go and neglect something beneficial I actually want to do for myself.

Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 03, 2018, 04:45:15 AM
I feel silly because it sounds like I'm asking for help on how to care :(

Not silly at all, tea. It's undoubtedly a result of trauma, the trauma of emotional neglect.

If it makes you feel better, there've been a number of threads or individual posts on the board from members (like me) who have a lot of trouble motivating themselves enough to shower just once a week, clean their teeth daily, go for dental checkups, get out of bed in the morning etc.

I think Libby is right in saying that parents like mine (and probably yours) instilled in us such a lack of self-worth that that is how we continue to treat ourselves.

Keep on keeping on, tea! You're making progress.  :hug:


tea-the-artist

everything you all said makes a lot of sense!

Quote from: Hope67 on March 03, 2018, 10:46:52 AM
I think I was ok when I was working, as there was 'routine' - but now I'm no longer working - and have to build my own routine - it's hard to do.  Hard to stick to anything, and also hard to 'look after my own needs' - I totally relate to what you said here.

hope! this just sparked something i've never thought about. right now i work 3 days a week, and when I am, i feel pretty stable. it's a routine. but on my 4 off days, I'm so lost? I have time on my hands but it goes so quickly because there's no planning or anything. I'm just taking it as it comes.

Quote from: Libby183 on March 03, 2018, 09:12:06 AM
I may be making this topic overly simple, but it sounds rather as if, your parents didn't give you enough care,  in a good, consistent, predictable way. So, you internalised the message that you weren't worthy of this. Then, that is how you treat yourself now.
...
Tell yourself you deserve to be looked after, identify what could make you feel good, and maybe start to build a simple routine into your day. The main thing,  I think,  is to make it all about you.


not simple at all, libby you're right that their care wasn't enough nor was it consistent at all. I never realized how the inconsistency would be internalized in a way that makes me inconsistent as well. I'm going to analyze this more! what an amazing insight! thanks :thumbup: i like your suggestions so thanks for those too!

blueberry, yep it's the day to day things that are giving me struggles for sure!
Quote from: Blueberry on March 03, 2018, 01:18:28 PM
Sometimes envisaging little Blueberries can help me with self-care. I imagine my 4 year old and want to care for her so I do wash my face in the morning, or make a warm meal. However doing that daily exhausts me no end.

now that's a great image! I wonder if being partly fawn-type would mean little tea would want to help me out too? though I do think if anything maybe I want to just coddle her a bunch since the care was so inconsistent (and still is right now for me and her). I like picturing her sitting excitedly and watching me move about doing Adult Stuff or that she's drawing next to me while I work (and then when I go to draw and paint, she can join me)? being there with her constantly might help me get moving again. I still want to be her role model.

Blueberry

Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 06, 2018, 05:02:51 PM

Quote from: Libby183 on March 03, 2018, 09:12:06 AM
I may be making this topic overly simple, but it sounds rather as if, your parents didn't give you enough care,  in a good, consistent, predictable way. So, you internalised the message that you weren't worthy of this. Then, that is how you treat yourself now.
.


libby you're right that their care wasn't enough nor was it consistent at all. I never realized how the inconsistency would be internalized in a way that makes me inconsistent as well.  what an amazing insight!

That's an interesting insight for me too! I hadn't interpreted it that way, but it makes sense. Inconsistency from parents towards me, and then I'm inconsistent towards myself.