I need to write to my Dad but am not sure how to broach the subject

[lttpuk]

Hiya - I'm new here, so hopefully it's OK for me to begin by posting in this forum.

Basically I've known for sometime that I probably have CPTSD, but it wasn't until I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel vd Kolk that I truly realised how it affects every single aspect of my life and being, and that all the stuff I've been blaming myself for is actually symptoms of CPTSD.  It was a relief to discover that everything makes sense and comes from a single cause.

Before I knew all of that, I had figured out that my mother must have narcissistic personality disorder, and she's done that typical thing of crow-barring me out of the family.  As a result, my younger sister has keys to my parents house, gets literally thousands and thousands of pounds per year spent sending her kids to private school, had a business bought for her and on and on and on.  I guess you might call this financial abuse as I get literally nothing, except a small amount for Christmas.  I'm "allowed" to come to my parents house for lunch, and nothing more.

I haven't seen my parents for 3 years as I moved away.  I've invited them down here on numerous occasions and I don't understand why they don't come as B (where I live) is one of Dad's favourite places.  (Mother controlling again perhaps?)  About a year ago my Dad sent me a text casually saying "we must arrange for you to come to lunch".  I went f'g ballistic at the cheek of it, when my sister gets to swan in and out as she pleases, but they won't even put me up for the night when I'm coming from 2.5 hours away.  I sent a load of angry texts over a period of about 2 months.

I now need to explain to my Dad why I was so angry and that it's part of the CPTSD.  He was part of the childhood abuse as well (obviously), but I think with him it was totally unconscious as he was abused himself and I suspect that he has CPTSD or a personality disorder.  I'm also in an unsustainable financial situation and I need financial help.  My parent are pretty well off and could reasonably easily afford to divert some money my way, although they might have to miss a cruise in order to do so!!

I'm trying to set up a business, but have lost my way through procrastination, confusion, lack of self belief and feeling unsupported.  I had some money to live on for a while, but it's running out.  Even if I sign on for benefits (think you call it welfare in the US), what I would get would be a drop in the ocean compared to my expenses.   I'm not sure that I'm employable because I not only have CPTSD, but also misophonia, plus I'm worried about being in an environment where there is a lot of junk food on tap (people tend to have biscuits/cookies in offices these days).  I gave all that stuff up and got back to the weight I should be, having been almost obese at one point.  I AM NOT GOING BACK TO BEING OVERWEIGHT - as that was a cause of much distress for me as well.

Anyway, having read Bessel's book, I am kind of creating my own therapy plan.  This will include classes in stuff like Qi Gong, Kick boxing, going thru a free MBSR course and I want to work with a traumatologist and/or Internal Family Systems therapist.  My diet is expensive as I try to eat organic, and I eat expensive fermented foods etc.  Anyway, the point is, I seem to have found myself in a very expensive lifestyle (I have addictions as well) and I'm kinda thinking my family should help me out.

So, to get to the point.  I would like to tell my Dad that I have CPTSD caused by his and my mother's bad parenting, and their own CPTSD/personality disorder issues.  I would like him to understand that he's been set against me and I've been set against him by a clever, controlling narcissist.  Ditto my sister - she was recruited to bully me after I left home and I don't have any contact with her at all.  For me it's a case of "Game's up guys - I see what you did there!  The worm has turned!!".

I would also like to have some kind of relationship with him before it's too late.  He's elderly and not at all well.  Has anyone had any success telling their parents the truth without it just becoming yet another stick for them to beat you with?

[sanmagic7]

hi, ittpuk, and welcome,

glad you made it here and have found the reason for some of your symptoms.  that's always a first good step.

as far as trying to tell a parent who's been part of the abuse what is going on, i don't know if that will help, especially if you want to have a friendly relationship with him.  maybe others have had success with that and can help you further (my folks are both dead).

if i may suggest, it seems like you are in a rush to get things straightened out, and, as most of us have discovered, the process of recovery takes time, patience, and doesn't always go in a straight line.  there are a lot of resources here you can read if you like to give you more info on what you're truly dealing with.

i've found a lot of support here and i hope you find the same.  best to you.

[Libby183]

Hi and welcome.

I am very sorry to read about how you have been side -lined by your family.  It sounds very much as if you are the scape-goat and your sister,  the golden child. I wonder if this is how you view things?

This was very much the case for me, and when I began to tell my father how I had always felt about my role in the family,  he would not acknowledge anything I said, even though over the years, he had let slip that he accepted that nm treated me badly.  Once confronted with my reality,  he became increasingly narcissistic. Also my sister would not accept anything of what I said, and none of them have spoken to me for six years. Except about four years ago, when father phoned to moan that he hadn't seen my daughter for ages.

Your family may be different but in my experience,  and from much that I have read, it is unlikely that they will ever accept what you have to say.  After all, it has suited them well to treat you like this. If you stand up to them, there is a good chance that they will be angry with you.

If you do write to your father,  at least you will know where you stand, if and when he replies. I just want to caution you that you may not get a positive response.  I certainly didn't.

Please take care and all the best to you with dealing with this sorry situation.

Libby.

[ah]

Hi Ittpuk 

The body keeps the score is excellent. Have you read "CPTSD: from surviving to thriving"? combined they keep giving me a lot to think about. There are many others but those are two of the best books on cptsd I've found.

My response may be a bit sad, sorry about that... well, to answer your question: no, I've had no success. I didn't get a positive response either.

I tried talking to my FOO, writing, but it ended badly. They attacked / ignored me. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. I now think saying "Game's up guys" means they're less and less important to me, because I don't want to keep playing the game.
For me, walking away emotionally is the only thing that gradually stops the game. And it's hard work, I need to work at it every day.

As Libby pointed out:
It suited them till now. That's a tough thought, I bet.
For me it's been really hard to accept that even if there are kind sane reliable people out there, my so called past family isn't among them. Their consistent behavior throughout my life wasn't kind. And nothing can be done about it because it isn't a misunderstanding to be corrected, we're not even talking the same language.
This has been really hard for me to grasp because I'm different, I care about people. It's unthinkable to me. Even after a lifetime around them I don't understand them, probably because I'm not narcissistic. It's my own limitation really. I can't understand ethically atypical people.

My FOO are rich and I'm penniless and in really dire straits. When I asked for their help they used it as a weapon and hurt me even more. They said no and I ended up no longer asking.

I don't know your Dad, or the relationship between your parents. So these are just guesses. But it may be hard for him to hear you, out of loyalty to his marriage, fear, habit or his own narcissism or for any number of reasons.
To try to guess how he might respond, you could maybe ask yourself: in the past, when you tried talking to your Dad about your feelings or about your hardships, how did he react?
Did he offer help of his own accord? Did he offer help only if prompted, but then withdraw it later or hold it against you as leverage or control? Is he reliable, or whimsical?
Did he walk away disinterested? Did he ask follow up questions, did he ask how you were doing?
Was he able to listen if you brought up difficult topics?
Can he handle criticism, or even feedback?
If past experience shows you may end up just getting hurt by speaking up, that may be the case.

The truth doesn't always set us free in our families, it can be something to share with other people. With understanding, good enough people who can help you make sense of your experiences and figure out how to talk to your family, if at all.

I can't change my family, I can't change their behavior, but I could walk away from them and start recovering a bit from the harm their behavior has done my whole life. Trying to talk to them didn't help me recover, becoming silent toward them did.

There's also the possibility of writing a long detailed letter, pouring your heart and soul into it, then tucking it into a drawer and never sending it. Writing to help yourself figure things out, as a form of self therapy, perhaps?
Get things crystal clear in your own mind. Then decide whether you even want to share it with them.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

[Blueberry]

Hello Ittpuk  welcome to the forum!

glad you made it here and have found the reason for some of your symptoms.  that's always a first good step.
....
if i may suggest, it seems like you are in a rush to get things straightened out, and, as most of us have discovered, the process of recovery takes time, patience, and doesn't always go in a straight line. 

I agree with sanmagic here.

For a long, long time I viewed straightening out my relationship with FOO (family-of-origin) as supremely important. Almost a rush to get that sorted. In hindsight, I should've been more centred on my own recovery. I am now, after what I refer to as Horrendous Event. I also realise it is exceedingly unlikely that my FOO will ever change significantly. I'm a convenient scapegoat and have been since childhood. My trauma therapist no longer has much hope of any change in my FOO either.

Horrendous Event was a year and a half ago. I told some members of FOO in the weeks afterwards that I didn't want contact and I'd get back to them 'in a few weeks'. I haven't got back to them on Horrendous Event yet. Everybody has survived. There's no huge rush. I need to wait (and they do too) until I'm at a stage in my healing where I can contact and receive whatever reply they send, which could be anything like being disinherited or just gaslighted and told I'm crazy, and not be bowled over backwards and destabilised for weeks on end or so badly retraumatised that I can't function or completely dissociate for days. That's all happened to me before (except being disinherited). So horrendous, I don't want to repeat it. Me first, FOO not even second.

Quite possibly I'll never see any of them again. It's very sad, but they would have to change, the whole family dynamic would have to change. I can't do that on my own, especially since neither of my parents nor sibs nor even one spouse of them want me to inviduate, to become a 'real' adult who's allowed opinions in the family, who has a 'place' among the adults in the family, treated as an equal.

So that was a long-winded answer to your question here: Has anyone had any success telling their parents the truth without it just becoming yet another stick for them to beat you with? Short answer: No. (though it did seem for a while that some FOO members had changed.)

Ittpuk wrote:
I would like to tell my Dad that I have CPTSD caused by his and my mother's bad parenting, and their own CPTSD/personality disorder issues.  I would like him to understand that he's been set against me and I've been set against him by a clever, controlling narcissist.  Ditto my sister - she was recruited to bully me after I left home and I don't have any contact with her at all.

I'm really sorry, but for your own sanity and healing, I'd not tell your dad this kind of thing yet. Take time to read around here instead. Also as ah suggests you can write a letter you won't send. You can write it in the forum under Recovery Letters http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 It can be good for other people to read it even if FOO is not going to for the moment. I've found writing letters on here very cathartic, useful, healing.

I'm sorry I can't give you more of the type of answer you probably wanted to get. But this has all been my experience and it's the kind of thing you tend to read or hear about from other people who got cptsd in childhood due to parents and siblings. If you like, have a  . If that's uncomfortable, then I'm standing with you as you read what are possibly quite difficult, disappointing responses.

Hope to see you more around the forum. 

[Kizzie]

Hi lttpuk and welcome to OOTS     In my case I have more than one person with NPD in my family and did not get anywhere over the years, certainly not for a lack of trying.  You never know  but NPD does seem to keep family members enmeshed in a sticky web and no-one is able to behave normally, at least that was the case in mine and why I gave up, let go and went NC and LC several years ago. The disappointment and backlash time and time again became too much to bear.  So, one thing to consider is how prepared you are if/when your F does not respond as you would hope and how that will affect you.  And one suggestion is to join our sister board Out of the Fog (http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/) because it is all about PDs.  I started there and it helped me enormously in deciding what to do in my own situation.