Not good enough...ever

[cosmo79]

My "mother" and other family members are experts at wringing failure out of apparent success. Graduation, sometimes with honors? "You didn't seem so popular." An exhibit at a national gallery? "Not that many people attended." (The first example is from my life, over multiple graduations, beginning in sixth grade; the second is from my brother's.)  I grew into a perfectionist striver who can barely tolerate myself when receiving positive feedback at work ("They haven't noticed how problematic I am yet; better work harder.")

So, a few weeks ago, when a board member said something snide in an email, it stuck with me. She said my supervisor had told her I was "having trouble keeping to schedule" since my assistant left. My supervisor immediately informed me that she had said no such thing, and may have spoken to this board member, too -- or not. Anyway, despite this, I'm having trouble not obsessing about this comment and whether I am, in fact, too slow, and whether I'm going to be let go. It feels like I really need the board member to write again and take it back in order to let this go. That obviously isn't going to happen.

And this leads to memories of all sorts of other "failures" -- the time I tried to intervene when police were harassing someone, and they arrested him, anyway; my last conversation with this board member, when, to comfort her about a missed deadline, I mentioned one of my own (stupidly, I now see); etc. On a good day, I'd know that I do what I can and that's all anyone can expect. But I've woken up too early these past few days, with thoughts like these, and am trying to get through a deadline-centered workday on CPSTD-brain.

Thank you very much for reading.

[Rainagain]

Its difficult to know what a balanced view would be once the self doubt kicks in, I sympathise.

Sometimes working harder doesn't make any difference, the wise thing to do is to show that the loss of the assistant has had an impact, if you are working harder than is reasonable then your supervisor should be made aware.

I suspect you are more valued than you realise.

Just a thought, when the government department I worked in had staff cuts the managers wanted things to fall apart to show what a bad idea cuts were. I just worked harder to maintain the same level of service. Bad idea which stressed me and upset everyone around me.

I hope things settle down for you.

[cosmo79]

Thank you, RainAgain, that's a really good point. In my situation, there isn't funding to hire someone new, and barely enough funding for my work. I love (parts of) the job, though. And you're right: one person can only do so much without getting overstressed. Anyway, thanks again!

[Rainagain]

I am glad my response might have been useful, just look after yourself.

People seem to get treated as well as they expect to be treated, if you overwork yourself nobody will complain, but you will become unwell.

[cosmo79]

Thank you, Rainagain!