Pre verbal Trauma

[sigiriuk]

Hi
My psychiatrist told me last week that my trauma is Pre verbal. Meaning that it is not stored in images or words but in muscles and bodily sensations.
I have a good therapist who has helped a lot, but talking treatment cant help this.
Anybody know of an additional therapy that wouldn't interfere with the good work I am already doing, but would address the Pre verbal stuff?
Thanks
Slim

[ah]

I may be totally wrong, but the way I understand trauma - it's all pre verbal, looked at a certain way.
It shows in our body, past and present all mixed up together. Whether you start from the body or from the mind, you're working on helping both.

Also, trauma leaves us speechless so talk therapy has its limits even if it's a trauma that can be expressed in words, because the horror and pain behind aren't verbal at all, words fail to describe them.

For me, every traumatic experience I can remember is felt strongly in my body, whether it was before I could speak or after. My whole life has been spent frozen, speechless, in many ways my verbal years have been just as pre verbal as before.

I can't feel a really clear distinction between what my body is doing and what I think or feel, it's all happening in my body in a sense, and when I manage to help my body feel a bit safer and less scared, that has an effect on my mind, too.
When I try to think of my fear, it's not very helpful. But trying to calm down my body a little bit, and then thinking of my fear - that seems more effective.
And even if I don't remember many of the causes of my fear from the time I was very young, still I feel the resulting fear so I can try to relieve that.

Mindfulness meditation helps me. I've also read about the Polyvagal theory which sounds very interesting but haven't tried it.

[woodsgnome]

I used to believe that lots of the trauma we talk about here could indeed be healed or at least helped by enough of the right sorts of reading--albeit finding the 'right sorts' is a huge task all on its own. Some years ago I added talk therapy into the mix. Hearing a live voice attached to a competent person did add a dimension I needed as well. Took a while to find that therapist, but it was worth it. Still there's the body component that seems to have trauma memories of its own, that aren't verbal but are very present nonetheless.

That said, I've been afraid to incorporate the body into my tool kit. Indeed, I hated my body to the point of self-mutilation. So much of my trauma didn't seem reachable, though, and this pre or sans verbal element seems an important part of what I've missed. The old bugaboo--fear of the body (of being embodied)--seems to ride reign here. I sense part of this comes from being denied my own body via abuse which would need major trigger warnings were I to try describing them here.

It seems true that focusing only on the mental aspects of this provides just a partial glimpse into what's going on. I like the word wholeness a lot, and this seems part of what I like about it--diving into what seems mysterious, even foreboding, but in which so many secrets are hiding. It's slightly amazing how easy it then is to tamp down any chance of healing/wholeness in lieu of trying to fathom something wordless by definition.

A few years ago when I read Walker's cptsd book, I recall him writing something to the effect that traveling with cptsd, and then recovering from it, can become a lifelong project. Having been on this site for a while, it's easy to see how true that observation is. We want the short fixes, then despair when things don't pan out. What a mess this life seems to be.

The only solution seems to keep on keeping on. Thanks Slim and Ah, for sharing your insights on an important but easily overlooked aspect of this rocky road.

[Gromit]

I feel a bit of a failure with what I do, (yoga) so many other people find it helps with this, feeling and releasing stuff but, maybe, I am just so practiced in hiding what I feel that it cannot come out. Sometimes I realise I have tensed up, and can do something about it, but often, I don't.

I have had therapists tell me that I braced myself, but I could not tell you when I did that, or why.

Of course, luckily, I have never had anyone break down in one of my classes although it can apparently happen. That it doesn't happen to me, in my classes is testament to how good I am at compartmentalising. When I teach this stuff it is a performance. When I practice alone I am aware of this moment but I cannot take myself to a place where I can release historical trauma from my body. It doesn't even happen in massages, probably because there is too much, I had one masseur who liked treating me because I gave her plenty to work on.

So, I am following this thread with interest in case anyone recommends anything I haven't tried which may break through my armour.
G

[Eyessoblue]

Hi I just wanted to say that my therapist says that yoga, mindfulness etc doesn't work for someone who's experienced trauma as your brain is set in a certain way and basically means you cannot or don't know how to relax (mentally) she has also said that these can also be damaging to ourselves as we are not capable of finding safe relaxing places in our brain when or if we have experienced severe trauma it can therefore take us back to a place where we felt unsafe and almost retraumatise us, this is totally true for me, just thought I'd pass on her theory whether it's right or wrong it's definitely how I feel.

[ah]

That said, I've been afraid to incorporate the body into my tool kit. Indeed, I hated my body to the point of self-mutilation. So much of my trauma didn't seem reachable, though, and this pre or sans verbal element seems an important part of what I've missed. The old bugaboo--fear of the body (of being embodied)--seems to ride reign here. I sense part of this comes from being denied my own body via abuse which would need major trigger warnings were I to try describing them here.

Every word applies to me too.
I guess looking back, I can see that even if my self hatred is just as strong as before, I have a bit more strength than before in being able to bear being inside my body.

It's triggering, though. Each time I sit down to do mindfulness meditation I force myself to sit. I make up any excuse to procrastinate, even though I know it helps, because the first 5-15 minutes can be rough.
I sit there, tolerating myself, tolerating my self loathing, and trusting in what I'm doing and waiting for the anxiety to lift. It lifts but the waiting is rough. It's a new habit I'm not used to at all.

Still, in my experience, mindfulness isn't triggering per se. Maybe it's only me, but for me it has two distinct stages. It starts off difficult, then the anxiety drops dramatically after a while and I keep feeling the positive effects all day long.
There's a sort of threshold to get through initially, the stronghold of my habit of running like mad from my body, but once I get over the rocky start it's worth it.
May be very different for others, I learned this after some trial and error, sitting long enough to experiment and see what it feels like.

Anything but 100% dissociation feels like I'm forced back into a body that's alien to me. But personally, afterwards I feel like it just rewired my brain in so many healthy, grounded ways I never learned before. 

Also - I don't think I could release any feelings, that really sounds too triggering. Bringing up strong emotions, catharsis - not for me, too triggering. I see the benefit in it for others but it's too scary for me personally. Just being more present in my body is so challenging in its own right, for me just being able to sit for a few minutes and not dissociate or be distracted away from my body is a lot of work.

I wouldn't want to break through my armour just yet, that sounds terrifying to me.
But sitting with myself very, very quietly, gently and in a non-biased way, just being able to watch myself sit there without 100% self judgment and self loathing, maybe just 99%..? As though I were just some random other person deserving to be here - that's a goal I can try to aim for. No crying or any strong expression of emotion though or I'll be running out the door really fast.

It brings another topic to mind too, maybe: the difference between feelings (like: sadness, hope, curiosity 'etc) and our autonomic nervous system responding (fear and anger, excitement).
There appears to be a distinct biological difference between them.
I think it can get really easy to confuse the two, especially in our current cultures where everything Must Be Fun and Exciting and New or else  but I get the sense feelings are more subtle, and can be felt in different ways.

Still, I keep desperately wanting a quicker, less challenging relief from my pain.
It's always a bit hard reminding myself that wanting something and being able to have it are two very different things. Imagining it doesn't make it attainable, at least not for me.

[Rainagain]

I've been thinking lately that some of my pre trauma activities might help me  to relax and let me focus on nothing, a bit like mindfulness.

Juggling and archery were my thing back in the day, they rely on muscle memory and so they might overwrite some of the trauma held in the body.

Just something I've wondered about, I used to play guitar too which might help.

Juggling used to place me in a physical zone where conscious thought sort of disconnects, a bit meditative I thought.

[Libby183]

Hi Slim.

I may well have got the wrong idea about what your psychiatrist was referring to,  but it feels relevant to me.

From the stories that have been told of what a terrible baby and toddler I was, combined with my nm's physical and emotional abuse of me that I can recall from about four years old, I strongly suspect I suffered abuse from her from way before I could talk.

Along with the anxiety and depression,  my suffering has been very physical as well. Pain which ranges from annoying to completely debilitating,  that can last for minutes to months or years,  constantly moving and changing and mimicking other "real" disorders.  It had been less troublesome for a while (?medication)  until I had my first trial run with EMDR. Since then,  I have been in terrible physical pain all down my left side. I can't even dress without help.

I truly believe,  and my therapist has mentioned,  about the early trauma building up in the body and being expressed as pain.

You didn't mention physical pain, but could this be linked to preverbal trauma and its storage in the body as physical sensations? I don't know and will be interested to hear my therapists  view when I see her next week.

The idea that the treatment has started to release the trauma through pain feels quite positive because therapy I have had hasn't dealt with the core of my trauma.

This may not be really relevant but wanted to share it.

All the best to you.

Libby.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi here. I've been a mindfulness practitioner for nearly 6 years and I wanted to comment on how mindfulness works with trauma.

It certainly has its dangers but it could be avoided with some precautions. To know how, you have to first understand how it works. Mindfulness' main strength as a healing practice is its ability to bring awareness. That's why it often emphasizes focus - such as focusing on the breath or the body. You need focus to be able to be maintain you awareness in everyday life, including for emotions. You can't heal what you don't know is there, and mindfulness heals by naturally unfolding the insight from awareness to grow in life.

Problem is that while it's good in the long term, awareness can be rather troubling to some in the short term. Being aware of things could mean more insight on your situation, but many of what you become aware of can be the kinds of things you struggle to deny. Especially when us in trauma may look at our awareness of how we're having problems and see that as a reason to be less compassionate to ourselves.

But awareness is the only way for us to genuinely be compassionate toward ourselves and others. They say when no one knows the real you and you never open up to people, they'll never know you enough to be able to care about you as you are. It's the same with ourselves. We can't care about ourselves if we don't know ourselves fully, and any form of 'love' towards us without this awareness is temporary and lacking.

So don't push yourself to be aware too fast, and provide yourself a safe place where you can let your emotions go. This often has the skill of being able to activate the grieving process in trauma, and too much of the practice means too many suppressed emotions can come bubbling out. It's like any skill you need to learn for life. Push yourself to learn, but don't push yourself too far.

So feel free to try mindfulness - especially body meditation and mindfulness. Like classic body scans, qigong, tai chi, yoga, walking meditation, dancing meditation and many more if you search.

Take care.

[Gromit]

Hi I just wanted to say that my therapist says that yoga, mindfulness etc doesn't work for someone who's experienced trauma as your brain is set in a certain way and basically means you cannot or don't know how to relax (mentally) she has also said that these can also be damaging to ourselves as we are not capable of finding safe relaxing places in our brain when or if we have experienced severe trauma it can therefore take us back to a place where we felt unsafe and almost retraumatise us, this is totally true for me, just thought I'd pass on her theory whether it's right or wrong it's definitely how I feel.

Interesting, this may explain why I have a tendency to zone out during some meditative practices. As in zone out = sleep.

I am more aware of bodily sensations in my personal practice, than my teaching, there I am trying to get other people to be aware of their sensations & am just demonstrating, not feeling.

[Whobuddy]

ah writes:
For me, every traumatic experience I can remember is felt strongly in my body, whether it was before I could speak or after. My whole life has been spent frozen, speechless, in many ways my verbal years have been just as pre verbal as before.
*********
This is helpful to hear. All my life I have been 'voiceless' long after being verbal. I didn't even know I could have a voice, an opinion, a demand. So it makes sense that traumatic experiences were still recorded in my body moreso than in words. And in my FOO, it was taboo to mention anything that would suggest the parents were wrong. It is pretty much still that way. Finding one's voice, one's power is key in this journey. But it is very hard to do. And harder still when the only 'witnesses' deny that anything was amiss.

eyesofblue writes:
you cannot or don't know how to relax (mentally) she has also said that these can also be damaging to ourselves as we are not capable of finding safe relaxing places in our brain when or if we have experienced severe trauma it can therefore take us back to a place where we felt unsafe and almost retraumatise us, this is totally true for me, just thought I'd pass on her theory whether it's right or wrong it's definitely how I feel.
***********
I can identify with this. I have tried mediation and at times it was helpful and then the next time it was unbearably painful. I am taking a break from it for now. Anne Lamott is quoted as saying "My mind is a bad neighborhood, I try not to go into alone."

I have been told by chiropractors that my back is like a board, the muscles are so tight. I know this is from armoring all my life. I remember hearing of a mindfulness exercise where one sits and 'feels their fingers from the inside'. Feel the aliveness, the blood flowing, etc. I couldn't. I felt nothing. It was as if I didn't have fingers unless they were moving or touching something. I tried for weeks and finally I can feel them from the inside. A little bit.

[sigiriuk]

Thank you all. It was good to see so many posts to my question.

I do feel stiffness, aches and pains in my body, but also have high blood pressure, which goes down if i attend to my body.
Playing music helps me greatly, and doubt that I would have had the strength to live a life if it weren't for a neighbour who taught and encouraged me to play piano.

I think the memories of trauma stored in the body cannot be translated back into visual or verbal memories. They are stored in a preverbal way as a child cannot process them. I think it is a blessing, so that if i do body work, I won't be flooded by new traumatic memories. So no nasty shocks.

Slim