Scared when I feel I'm starting to care about life

[hereforhope]

I'm pretty sure I have depersonalisation, with symptoms of feeling dissociated from life, and flatened emotions. Today I noticed when I read a particularly inspiring written answer to me on Quora.com, about building self discipline, that the moment I felt myself feeling somewhat revved up about what a possible future might be for me if i really followed those advices, I instantly felt myself very hesitant and anxious. I realise I'm terrified of caring too much about life. I'm guessing my inner critic runs wild whenever I'm taking a few, first steps away from being a robot, immune to fear and disappointments.

Have anyone else struggled with this on their recovery journey? What did you do? Perhaps I already know the best way: just push on and refuse to give in to fear. I've a lot of it though, including a lot of anxiety about the passing of time, I've wasted a tremendous amount of time in my life.

[ah]

Hereforhope,

I feel the same way. I'm sure part of it is cptsd related, but I think it's also other things.
I read recent research about self affirmations and it turns out people in general feel more negative emotions when optimism is offered as the only option.

I guess to me this means whenever someone tries to encourage me by giving me too much optimism, it leaves me feeling defeated and worse than before. I've learned to be cautious around positivity if it's too strict. I try to care about life cautiously, non judgmentally. Expecting good and bad to be mixed together.
Not enthusiastically, or expecting only the good, because excitement always means I'll have to crash at some point when it ends, and that's so tiring. It may just be me but realism works better for me.
I guess this can seem counter-intuitive, but we know we're often in pain and our life is far from easy, so validating it can be empowering. I prefer hoping for the best while planning for the worst, not as opposites but two sides of the same coin.

I don't know if this will help but I try to put effort into self care and self improvement - without giving in to the urge to push cptsd pain under the carpet, or any pain for that matter. I don't let myself expect perfect happiness, I tell myself "moments of happiness here and there are a great goal".

It's not always doable, but I also try to make a mental list of what I'm going to do that day before I even get out of bed. Then I do my best to stick to it, unrelated to what I'm feeling.
I do this and that because doing is good for me, it's a type of self care, and because when I'm done and I look back and something I accomplished it helps my anxiety.

I try to push forward while letting myself also feel the need to hold back, letting myself feel anxious. There are different parts to me and I think "Being a person is complex, that's a given." one part can observe another, and that's still perfectly okay.

Sometimes I feel the anxiety in my body and I think "Oh wow, that's a lot of anxiety today!" and list its symptoms: my heart is racing, 'etc 'etc., but without identifying with it as much as in the past. It's there, but I let it be and try to keep going anyway.
I guess it's fearing fear that is hardest to bear, if I can feel fear but there's a voice in my head that says "Oh, okay, I'm anxious but I can bear it" a lot of the hold fear has on me can be broken.

And I read about trauma, about cptsd, about growing up with parents with personality disorders. Things that help me understand what's happening to me and try different suggestions to see what might help. "The body keeps the score" is my favorite book on trauma.
Learning about trauma can take some of the the sting out of the pain, and give me some new found control I never expected. I still feel fear, but understanding what's happening in my body and mind enables me to sometimes look at it and go on with it, without having to fight it.

I think what you're doing is brave, feeling fear but still being here. I know it isn't easy to push yourself and be kind to yourself at the same time. It's a bit like self parenting, and no one ever showed us how to do it so we have to learn it all by ourselves.

Also, I think today's culture puts far too much emphasis on feeling excitement and happiness. These are things we only feel here and there, not all the time. Our feelings change, so believing I must feel happy all the time or else I'm a failure - well, that's maybe a bit extreme. It may be counterproductive.
We have a right to all our emotions, fear and anxiety and doubt included. They're all normal, human, universal, totally understandable and logical. And very overwhelming, at times. Just looking at your life or my own, the overwhelming part makes perfect sense.

[hereforhope]

Thanks for the reply. What I read wasn't so much about positive thinking but rather about creating this spartan, self-disciplined lifestyle that really spoke to me. I've realised that lack of self-discipline is my biggest problem in life, and the problems it causes a big reason for my depression. Thanks or reminding me to not let my fears control me. I read about self parenting in "surviving to thriving" thanks to you mentioning it, and felt it was very useful for me right now.
I really have to push myself. I'm in my late 20's and feel completely unprepared for life on my own. It's going to be very uncomfortable. I also have such a foggy brain I literally feel brain damaged. I've been put as someone severely autistic at the unemployment centre because I came there once extremely foggy while hungover. I can't remember yesterday's and my short term memory feels nonexistent. I also feel like life is unreal, like I've been inside an alternate computer world since my early teens, which was when I had massive anxiety due to mother's sexual abuse. If this mental state I'm in can't be treated I'm not sure I can take it. It feels like I don't really exist. I'm so thankful to finally know what it is though. I'm praying I can cure myself with a new, healthy lifestyle.

Thanks for your answer. It definitely gave me useful perspectives on how to view things. I need to here these things from others, because I don't trust anything I think myself. I always think it's stupid or strange thinking, I guess a symptom of extremely low self confidence. It's almost so I think someone could throw boiling water in my face and convince me I'm wrong for thinking it's hot. You get my point. My mother, who I live with, often complains about everything I do. Sometimes she makes decisions that I realise are irrational and strange, and whenever I've asked her about them she makes it sound like I'm too dumb to get it. I read that if you have an intellectual disability, it's very hard to realise it yourself. So I was very worried I had a retardation. Now i try to remind myself whenever I have this fear that I've severe depersonalisation but was born completely fine intellectually. I still have moments when i despair about this though. I guess it's a part of my cptsd.

Sorry for the long answer, but it felt really good to wrote things off my chest.

[radical]

First, I want to say that I'm so glad you stayed around,here for hope

I agree with Ah, optimism is unhelpful to me.  I try to live with hope, which is not expectations about outcomes, not something which can be so easily knocked out.

I also recently discovered that depersonalisation/derealisation was a huge part of the disconnection from myself, from others and from the world, that has made my life so painful.  It sounds like they should be some kind of relief from pain, but actually, like every other form of disconnection, they are agony.

Every gentle and kind way of connecting with my body is helpful.  Trauma informed yoga is amazing.  I'm so lucky to be in a class with a teacher who trained with Van der Kolk.  It's so unexpected and its all so utterly gentle and kind.  No comparison with what I now think of as body-hostile yoga.  Also, poly vagal breathing, deep breaths with a very slow out-breath. Gentle, not forced.

You are completely fine in every way, Hereforhope!
- Everything Ah has said

[Rainagain]

Hereforhope,

What has been said already is familiar to me.

One thing I would add is about trying to be kinder to yourself and trying to challenge the unkind thoughts when they crowd you.

When you say you have 'wasted a tremendous amount of time' I think that needs challenge.

It would be fairer to say you have suffered tremendously over time. That is more accurate and avoids self blame.

I think small changes like that help to keep a bit of self kindness alive in order to push back on self blame.

Its tough to do, but important I think.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, hereforhope.. It's not as simple as pushing on and giving yourself to fear. It's alright though if you made a mistake.

Think of our motivation like a car. When it's moving quickly, you have "drive". When it's moving slowly, it's because you aren't giving it enough fuel or repair, not because you haven't pushed for it to move enough. To move forward, you need to rest and heal. Be kind to yourself. Gain some confidence. Gather some hope. Find support. Act on different ways to recover.

I agree with Ah. Optimism isn't a good idea when it's forced. People who are new to self discipline often think that to gain confidence, they have to do everything perfectly, and honestly even I feel this way sometimes still. But no, it starts with the little things.

Start with the smallest thing possible you believe you can or might be able to do, and do it. After you do that, you can go with the next thing and on as you go. If you force yourself to take too much at all once, you'd most likely give up on it entirely. If the small thing sounds too big, then make it even smaller. Small amounts of ways to gain confidence and recovery adds up over time. Imagine a year of all these small things. That's a lot, huh?

Well, good luck hereforhope. It's fine if you're still ashamed. Take care.

[sanmagic7]

i'll agree with the others.  trying to motivate me by telling me how good it will feel, how good it is for me, etc. sets my nerves on edge, and i want to criticize, show examples to prove them wrong.  fact is, there are too many examples, and i'm ok with what feels good for me or not.

some fears i've had to examine, explore, and eventually push thru, or just be with them and let them run their course.  it's hard to tell someone how to do this - we're all so individual, we all have our own pace, we all need the time we need for processing and integrating. 

i think the more we understand ourselves, and the more we can realistically look at ourselves in this world, the closer we get to being who we truly are, rather than who we've been either told we are or told how we should be.   i give you so much credit, hfh, in not running away from this.  it shows a lot of fortitude and determination.  warm, caring hug to you.