Nihilism is ruining my recovery (TW? Depressive subject)

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for the compliment Hfh. 

But Hfh, I don't think you're complaining. I see it more as exploring and trying to understand your situation. Complainers ask for help in a way that epeats the same things over and over, as well as refusing to listen to any insights anyone offers.

Your progress is slow, yes, but on this thread, you're slowly able to build an understanding of the possible causes of your problems and find a way to deal with them. You're finding your way to kindness from others, when you desperately lack it.

No, that's not complaining. Not at all.

I know Tom Campbell as I've read a book of his. Maybe I'll go check it out. If you like him, you might want to read books like "The Holographic Universe" or "Materialism is Baloney". The first being a competing paranormal theory to Campbell's views, and the second a philosophical book of arguments against materialism. There's also the book "Science Set Free" for a lot of other alternative theories on various fields of science. Interesting was its ability to gather data from conventional science - data that's already well known and unexplained to many people - then turn it around for an entirely different but strangely fitting explanation.

I heard of these from Actualized.org, which I have a feeling you'd like the free hour long videos there. I've also done some first hand experiments with this . . . and umm. . . interesting things happened. But I'm afraid I already sound too crazy already for now. Well, maybe I'll tell those stories for another day now.

Well, see you.

[ah]

I think you're an amazing person, Ah. As is DR. You put effort into feeling better while I don't do anything, and just complain instead.

DR is amazing, not me... my ICr won't have any of that, nor will my present abusers who would be horrified by that. Where's the blushing face? Can't find one, I think I'll just vanish instead.

Okay, erm, sorry about that. Back to you.

I think you're in really good company here, and your pain makes perfect sense. You have every right to feel it. Many people here know much more than me about different topics, I feel like a baby compared to them.
It's hard work managing long term trauma, we all know it. And sometimes you have more energy, sometimes no energy at all.

For me, because the trauma is ongoing, I keep struggling with cptsd resulting from past trauma but also with newly created cptsd because of current trauma, so if I can't do a tiny bit every day to manage my distress it just buries me under its weight. I don't want to make any effort but I've learned I suffer more when I don't.
Paradoxically, pushing myself to do things even when I feel no motivation at all ends up giving me a sense of control and ability, whereas if I give in to my hopelessness it just grows and grows like a fungus and I'm in more pain than ever.
No one ever taught me any of this, I had to learn it by myself through lots of trial and error. You're not alone.

I really don't like it, to be honest. I wish I could just take a pill or get help and feel happy but in my experience, I have to actively do a little bit every day to see change. Very little but consistently so it turns into a habit.
Some days/hours I can't do anything and I let hopelessness wash over me. I don't try to do the impossible, I realize it's too much right now. I submit to pain. Other times even though my misery and helplessness are just as strong, I have more strength and I do what I can even if it's very, very little.

I think if my life conditions were better I'd be able to overcome a lot of cptsd symptoms and learn to develop boundaries and live better. So I think there's huge potential and every reason for you to have hope. 
That isn't to say it's going to be easy. In my experience it's one step forward, 9 steps back... but that's so much better than no movement forward at all. I take what I can.

[hereforhope]

Sorry about my late response. I've been doing my bad habits again, so ignored all I should do...

I appreciate that you shared that, Ah. Your persistence is inspiring and it reminds me what it's necessary to do to recover. And I hope your not entirely unable to take in compliments. It would be very sad if you were.

DR, I see you know far more about these topics than I do if you want to share about your own experiments I'd very much enjoy that. Saved books and link.