Tough times

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Rainagain

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Tough times
« on: March 13, 2018, 11:07:09 AM »
Well

Got a load of documents sent to the country I now live in from my solicitor.

I'm meant to go through them.

Some upsetting new stuff in there as well as reminders of my slow decline into cptsd.

Its hard to revisit the old stuff, and the new realisations I am getting are setting off all sorts of things in my head.

Its retraumatising but a necessary thing, I guess.

Uneasy at having to think about how very badly I was treated, hard to keep the anger in.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Blueberry

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2018, 03:27:15 PM »
I'm sorry, Rainagain.  :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Rainagain

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2018, 03:35:46 PM »
Thanks blueberry, its just stuff, it'll pass I guess.

Back over Niagara falls in a barrel I must go.

Wooooooooooooooo! :aaauuugh:
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2018, 01:36:26 PM »
Hope you're getting through those docs Rainagain, or maybe they are all done and delivered now?  :blink:
Healing is the outcome of reversing longstanding patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our 'selves'.

Janina Fisher, Chapter 1
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors

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Rainagain

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2018, 05:27:48 PM »
Thank you for asking Fen.

I got through them all, but was apparently an obsessive maniac going over and over them until I had done a very thorough job.

Read, absorb, mentally compare against all other documents, seek out related documents, test arguments, assess other documents possibly related to potential new arguments to see if they help the narrative, repeat.

My psych could see I needed to do it but it is more trauma so not great.

Its fairly what my solicitor should be doing for me but he doesn't have the same work ethic I do, he has more info to send me apparently, hurrah! More trauma.

My T said some really insightful things, he wondered if solicitors could use me as their investigator on other cases than just my own.

It was funny as I've been asked to do exactly that, made us both laugh. I'm too obsessive though, can't give 110% these days with the cptsd gnawing at me.

The extra insights I got from the work just underlines how very badly I was treated, I'm not sure anyone would believe it, I think my biography would have to be sold as fiction.

I have a high level of function in a pretty weird area, but am damaged and easily broken further so don't think I can work in the area ever again.

Another mini bereavement, its the only thing I can do better than anyone else I know, in every other area I'm poor to average. Lost my only superpower.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Rainagain

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2018, 04:24:36 PM »
Well,

I've been waiting over 3 weeks for a response from my alleged legal representative.

Rang him today, turns out the person he chose to help him is away for two weeks holiday so no progress with a show stopping deadline approaching.

This seems like a total disaster right now, how could he leave things unsettled, leave me expecting a response which he knew wasn't coming and risk my whole case by allowing time to be wasted?

I am really shocked, its like a person just sitting in the dark because they flicked the light switch and its not their fault the light bulb doesn't work.

Pretty sure he is on the autistic spectrum, or maybe I'm having a bit of a turn.

I used to get things done, now I'm pretty wrecked and my only hope for redress is someone I don't trust at all and wish I'd never encountered, someone who is so poor at getting things done I'm almost embarrassed for them.

Its another betrayal, like I need another one.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2018, 04:20:51 AM »
Oh no Rainagain! This all sounds so frustrating and stressful!

What's the latest on your case?

(Apologies for not getting back earlier btw. I haven't been well and off OOTS. Catching up now.)

I am sorry to hear you are not receiving the proper communication and support you should be receiving from your legal representative.
This happened to me in my case, and it's another stress that you could do without.

You sound very intelligent and meticulous in your approach. I wonder whether the person dealing with you has issues he is not acknowledging?
Has he been pressured into certain behaviour?

This is not said out of paranoia, but because in my case I found out the judge was crooked and that's why it became a waste of time pursing justice.

I had to give up, despite being advised by my solicitors that I had a strong case.

Quote
The extra insights I got from the work just underlines how very badly I was treated, I'm not sure anyone would believe it, I think my biography would have to be sold as fiction.

I have a high level of function in a pretty weird area, but am damaged and easily broken further so don't think I can work in the area ever again.

Well, so maybe there is something else to be gained from this affair?

A book could be a way of exorcising the pain and betrayal, working through what happened and getting justice of a different sort. It's certainly much safer and you wouldn't have to depend on anyone  :) You've done all the research!

This could be a call to change career, and move in a new direction...  Sometimes, life gives us a big knock to shift us onto another path.

Things will get better. Take care Rain x
Healing is the outcome of reversing longstanding patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our 'selves'.

Janina Fisher, Chapter 1
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors

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Rainagain

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2018, 04:09:01 PM »
Thank you for the interest fen.

I'm feeling better as finished the research and the new upsetting stuff has become accepted so doesn't upset me.

Returned to where I used to live and had some very restorative meets with old workmates, they were genuinely pleased to spend time with me, I had forgotten the good people amongst the horror.

These encounters feel like little pieces of healing, very helpful.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Blueberry

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2018, 04:13:24 PM »
Sounds good, Rainagain, admit the horror and bad memories to find some little pieces of healing. Also to manage to not be upset any more by the upsetting stuff!  :cheer: :cheer:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Rainagain

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2018, 03:43:16 PM »
I've realised that for me the pressures and my ability to cope fluctuate widely.

So sometimes I am on top of things, sometimes I am overwhelmed and things are too much.

Not doing too bad right now, I will try to remember this next time I am struggling.
Everything will be alright in the end.

If things aren't alright then it isn't the end.

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #10 on: Today at 06:19:24 AM »
Hi Rainagain,
So pleased to hear that life is moving on for you in a more positive and restorative way.  :applause:

Finishing the research must have been a relief, so that you don't have to keep going through the details.

Sounds like you're doing pretty good now, considering. I think it's a CPTSD thing to have dips now and again. 
Healing is the outcome of reversing longstanding patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our 'selves'.

Janina Fisher, Chapter 1
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors