Psychiatrist, really?

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Rainagain

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Psychiatrist, really?
« on: March 13, 2018, 09:54:27 PM »
Off to see my psych tomorrow.

He has nothing to offer me.

But I'm pretty squirrely so a psych is the sort of person I should be seeing.

But he has nothing to offer me.

Hey, maybe there's been a medical breakthrough since I last saw him 6 or 8 weeks ago?

Oh well, he seems nice enough I guess.

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Three Roses

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2018, 03:44:17 AM »
Let us know how it goes, we care about you.  :hug:

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Rainagain

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2018, 02:25:27 PM »
Thanks,

Got a message that he is poorly so appointment cancelled.

Oh well, no worries, hopefully he will be OK.

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ah

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2018, 01:46:07 PM »
Rainagain,

I was about to say "I know just how you feel." and was thinking - no I don't! But I've felt something very, very similar for sure. Psychiatrists have nothing to offer me, either.

They have good intentions but their tools aren't all that finely tuned, and when it comes to cptsd I think their understanding is very coarse.
(They seem to see it as a mental problem whereas I can't really see it that way. It's like a broken limb that hasn't healed, and the sufferer keeps carrying it around cautiously, holding it close to the body, protecting it from further harm. It's a totally normal response to abnormal danger. I wish when people were diagnosed with cptsd they also were told they're not nuts but are in a lot of justifiable pain.)

I liked your idea somewhere else of getting back to juggling and archery. Sounds like a really good thing to try if psychiatry can't seem to help you right now.

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Rainagain

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2018, 01:36:33 AM »
Thank you.

I've been trawling through loads of documents related to my case v old employer this week.

I have found lots of unfairness, decisions contrary to stated policies and a few amazing emails between my managers showing some managers were actively undermining my mental health and blocking others who wanted to help.

Whilst it is nice to have my suspicions confirmed it is really hard to go over the past and see that I was deliberately broken by people who were just spiteful.

I keep going back over the documents but they still say what they say, very hard to take. Its one thing to be bewildered, now I see things clearly it makes me catch my breath like being doused in cold water.

Some people really are vile.

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ah

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2018, 10:33:21 AM »
Some people really are vile.

 :yeahthat:
For decades I held on to the notion that people are never evil, it's all just ignorance or confusion. I tried getting along with my abusers, which now leaves me in horrified disbelief because sadly, some people really are vile and evil. They'll destroy you because they enjoy it.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
What a confusing mess of emotions for you, I bet. The documents must be incredibly triggering on the one hand, but also helpful because you have objective evidence to back up your feelings of betrayal. You were betrayed.

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Rainagain

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2018, 09:31:09 AM »
Here's a thought prompted by your post, it might be significant I think.

I am reading up on these abusers of mine, what they did and how bad it harmed me.

But I don't feel proper rage about it.

I feel even now they could say sorry, recognise what they have done and they could try to make it better somehow.

I still have some sort of need for them to treat me fairly even though it can never happen.

That vague need is what cptsd needs to thrive, a 'normal' response would be hate and dismissal of them.

Because the bad times went on for years I can't just let it go, can't move on.

I had an idea I thought was important but its gone now! Oh well.

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Contessa

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2018, 10:35:06 AM »
Good point RA. That anxiety inducing need for an apology just to have a chance to put the trauma away, and have a hope to reforming our former strength.

No idea if this is any consolation, but that need hasn't popped up for a few months. If I can think of a reason why i'll pass it on. I guess it gives hope that it can happen. Hope I hold on.

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ah

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2018, 01:13:07 PM »
Rainagain,

What you describe is really familiar to me, too.
I guess if we could escape the situation or fight back, we would. But when we can do neither we can eaasily sink into deeper and deeper helplessness, and lose our freedom to dislike abusers or mentally separate from them. Not liking them / disliking them but just being totally indifferent and forgetting all about them is lost. I've read a bit about trauma bonding and it sounds a lot like what you're describing.
Like we're linked to them in some twisted survival instinct standing on its head, needing them to undo their actions. Needing their approval?
Though... who are they to give us any approval or withhold it? They're not up to the task at all, as their behavior has shown time and time again. :Idunno:


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Rainagain

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2018, 10:07:08 PM »
Contessa, Ah.

You understand what I'm trying to express, for me its a new realisation.

Its to do with the fact that people who had a role did not fulfil it and instead caused me great hurt.

Part of me keeps thinking perhaps they don't realise they were wrong, but they know exactly what they did, it was expedient and deliberate.

I do feel I need something from them, above what my lawyer can gouge out of them in court.

Not sure what I need from them, whatever it is I will have to do without it.

An apology, one that accepts me as a person who had rights and as a person who had and still has value. An apology for being treated like some sort of unpleasant disease which needed to be eradicated. An apology that people who had power over me misused that power to bring me down to a very dark place.

I think its all upside down and backward as you describe Ah, a betrayal so fundamental that it makes my head spin.

This is a new understanding for me, needs to sink in a bit.

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Rainagain

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Re: Psychiatrist, really?
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2018, 01:51:08 PM »
Saw the psychiatrist, he was good enough to accept that his pills caused a problem and was OK with me being med free.

He also agreed that more emdr treatment would be best paused until I finish the court case.

I like that he is able to recognise that he can't intervene helpfully, others might have pushed for treatments just to make themselves feel better.

He supported me in my wish to deal with current trauma and then let the dust settle for a bit before trying stuff.