Im New and trying to do something about this.

[andreeya]

Hi Im new.

   Im pretty sure I have complex PTSD.  I have recently gotten out of an abusive relationship. I have moved out but im still in contact with my ex for financial reasons.  I am very confused. I seem to be suffering from cognitive dissonance as well.  My boyfriend was at one time very abusive to me and other people as well, but in the last 5 months he appears to have changed.  He's been super nice and sweet to me on a very constant level, how ever I am still untrusting towards him. 

  Since Ive moved out Ive been struggleing very hard to keep my head above water financially. I need to find another job and this pressure has really added to my problem of getting severe anxiety attacks.  I dont have them all the time but when I do it eally takes a lot out of me  Im doing my best to be my own best friend and take as good as care of myself as I can.

         Ive been alone. I dont know anyone around where I live now. My family is spread across the US and are very disfunctional.  My father is Narcissistic and has been bouncig me around emotionally all my life.  I have finally been able to put the pieces together witht he abuse that has gone on in my family and how it has effected me. Im ready to make a change in my life from all of this now. 

           To make this worse,  Im not possitive but I think my boyfriend might be a psychopath.  Everything on ther check list describes him.  I have been having a hec of a time finding support for this, most people dont understand this unless they have been through this themselves.
I know for sure that he has shown Narcissistic traits but like I said, recently I dont see any. Which is enough to still make me nervous. 

  I get anxiety attacks that completely take over my body.  I can feel the cortasol going through my arms and legs. Its awful.  I need friends who uderstand this.  I hope this is the place.  Thanks, Andreeya

[Three Roses]

Yes, I totally understand. Those who've never been thru it just can't understand - but you'll find a lot of us here who do. I hope you go back thru some of the older posts too, there's great info there.

You might benefit from reading some stuff by Pete Walker who is a survivor and therapist. Very trustworthy info, here's a link to his website - http://pete-walker.com

[andreeya]

Thank you so much for the reply.

            Ive been in an abusive relation, I got out, but now Im struggleing.  I feel awful because im still in contact with this person for finanacial reasons and because Im still emeshed with him.  I still love him but I dont know for sure what he is.  Im so alone in this. Hes been love bombing me and I fall for it still.   I need him to survive right now and Im not happy about this. 

               Things keep on happening to me. Bad things, I accidently ran over one of my cats the other day. It wasnt my fault but the trama from this was too much!  Then something happened to my truck which my boyfriend helped me out with, but this is what I mean.  I have to stay in contact with him for a bit until I make more money to support myself.  Its hard. 

                      Life is life, things happen. Problem will come up. My problem is that I have triggers that tottally over me.   Im glad to be here. Im glad to not have to feel so alone in this. Im going to buy that book.  Thank you for showing it to me.

                                            I have to say this icon truely says it and it makes me laugh too.   Ive been having a hard time with my feelings.  I think I allow them to freese up inside me.  Ive been crying on and off lately which is good. I need this relief.

                                             I need to remember just how far I have come so far, despite how hard its been.   I moved out of my situation with my boy friend and I have my own place now. I have a job but it doesnt pay enough but im working at finding new income everyday. What else can I do but just keep going.  Im afraid to leave the house now for fear of another cat getting underneith my truck, so im working it out.  They must all be inside before I leave which isnt fun,  but the peace of mind is worth it.   its hard when you dont have  alot of money and you are living on the edge all the time,  things get amplified!!!   and losing my cat and watching him die was an atomic bomb. I know I have a lot of resilance and im proud of myself for keeping my head up and like I said,  to just keep going it will be all right.      Thanks for listening  Andreeya   
                                                       

[Blueberry]

aww, I'm really sorry about your cat being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  There are lots of pet owners on here who'd sympathise if they read.

It sounds like you're making great steps to get out of the bad situation!  It may take a long time to get completely unmeshed. It's certainly taking me a long time. The best you can do is go at your own pace and keep on keeping on. You seem to be doing that.

[andreeya]

Thank you so much for your answer. 

                       This is a good place.  I think it would do me good to just allow myself to write.

                              I go through phases where I have a hard time accepting what my boyfriend is.  He is most definitely a Narcissists, anything above this spectrum I  am still un sure.  I know he becoming delusional.  He has done things that have appeared so psychopathic. He's a good actor.  This is so depressing.  I am trying to help myself in a situation where I really need therapy and Ive had such a hard time finding a doctor.   Recently it just been too hard. I dont have the money, so I have to pace through what ive been going through mainly by myself.  Ive been here before but never in this exstream.  I call this the final exstream.  This is never going to happen again.

                            I have sucha  messed up family background. My mom and sister sabotage me a 2 years ago.  My sister is a Narcissist and more or less tried to destroy my life, in many respects she did, hence why I am here in my situation today.  I cant go into it now. It takes too much energy out of me to explain what happened again.  My mom and sister are abusive.   

                                   Anyways,   Being pro active from now on is the answer. Looking back with pain and anger isnt going to change anything.  I want to help other people through times like this because it helps me to do this.  Im just flabber gastid as to why it has taken me so long to see the dyfunction in my family and how it was messing up my life.  My father is a Narcissist and I couldnt figure out why I was having one abusive relationship after another most of my life. I just couldnt figure it out until now.   Ive been trained to feel certain ways about myself and what I am doing which has caused a destructive pattern that has finally come to a head.  Im done with it. 

  My boyfriend at one time convinced me that I was the one with the problem. Im not the one with the problem.  My brother can testify to that especially in reference to my father.  We both discovered what he was at the same time and boy was it mind blowing to finally put the pieces to gether.  Ive been repeating the same pattern with boyfriend after boyfriend who guess what?  Are just like my father.  I guess this is typical isnt it? 

   I keep on expecting my boyfriend now to understand and take care of my emotional needs,  but I have got to get it through my head,  he never will.   He will all ways be pulling a rug out from under me just like my dad.  He will all ways chose to be controlling over loving.  Its all about control,  not love.  Pyschologically I am not allowed to ever get past a certain point in reference to my personal success.  Its too threatening so I have to be knocked down., controled.  Its a form of being used.  The last conversation I had with y dad he was telling how I was supposed to feel. Never mind how I really feel!   

             This is where a lot of my personal confusion comes in.  Sometimes I feel like Ive been brain washed to feel a certain way that really has nothing to do with me when it comes down to it. This fear problem in me I feel has been instilled and also a portion of it is real and mine, there to protect me and warn me of what I might be seeing sub consciously and consciously. 

              On a good note Im writing a book. Its going to be a kind of work book using Art Therapy to help in recovery over anxiety and domestic abuse.  The thought of this gives me a lot of strenght and purpose. I am definitely doing this.  Ive all ready started. yae! good! Watch me go!   

                       We all need to remember,  WE are not alone in this.  I feel alone but i know I am not.

Its hard enough dealing with all this emotional stuff and surviving at the same time.   and then this anxiety that follows it.  I dont need this so im going to work hard at staying strong and taking action where needed, my truck has a problem which is bothering me right now. It has a water leak that needs to be taken care of.  lovely.  if its not one thing its another.  I think keeping our emotions in balance is the key when we have rough times.  Remember all the good things which are also going on during this time as well.  And there are plenty.

  I also think Ive spent so much time being dependant on men in my life, now that Im striking out on my own it can be over whelming and sometimes terrifying especially with complex PTSD.  I have a lot to give myself credit for, I know.   So lets keep going.  non stop because we are heroes.

Andreeya                                     

[Three Roses]

So lets keep going.  non stop because we are heroes.

Love it! 💚

[andreeya]

Keep On,

   Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

                                        I do know all about Narcissism.  I think he defineltly is, but ever since I decided to move out he's changed his tune.  Its been all most 7 months now that I believe he's been love bombing me.  No abuse, nothing like he was to the point where im having doubts now that  make me worry  if Im just in the deep throws of cognitive dissonance.   He isnt doing anything now that could make him a  psychopath ,yet he admitted to me that he was about 7 months ago.   Ya.  He tried to decribe to me what it was like to have a vacant feeling going on in his head, like all the time.  This blew me away. Then after this he just went on like nothing new had happened and everything was just normal. 

          I think he's acting normal now as far as being really supper kind to me.  He has another supply now.  This women who I saw. I was agasped!!  because Im a tiny person in good shape and this women was exstreamly over weight.  Not to be mean,  but not good looking at all.  I was shocked.  More proof he is a Narcissistist.   He has got to have his supply. It doesnt matter what she looks like. which is sad and pathedic for him.  So what Im saying is that he has got to have more the one girlfriend at the same time.  Im basically numb to it now.  Before I saw her I was pretty upset!!! Im not into this sort of thing at all.  It doesnt work.  I dont care what he says.  But when I saw her I was so shocked and not threatened at all.  There wasnt anything t be threatened over.  Its like him going out with someone's aunty school teacher. Middle aged and frumpy.

        I have to laugh its so absurd.     Ill write more later.  Myy anxiety by the way is getting better, not gone but much better.     A.
                                       

[andreeya]

I dont know if I should be starting a new post or not. Im going to write here for now and then later start a new post.

                                 Its been tough.  Im still struggleing to get by. Im ashamed and embarrest  tha im  still involved with my ex who I think is Narcissistic.   I still need his support.  Its been so hard makign it on my own. I tell him how hard its been but he just looks at me blankly like he really doesnt gewt it or maybe he doesnt know what to say because I was the one who left.

                                   Ive been keeping my anxiety attacks at bay. Today was a bad day though.  Ive been trying so hard to get my auto registration in order. I made the payment to the DMV but i still needed my inspection., but i had to get a tail light cover fixed before I did that. I finally did it last night and thought Im almost home. It should be here in the mail soon, hope I dont get pulled pver, well, I got pulled over and got a citation. Now Im going to try to dispute it but Im fore lorned that it will be useless.  175 dollars.  Im so upset.   Then I get home and my horses were out.  It freaked me out because I had checked that gate so many times, thought it was secure.  Now I have 2 chaims two ropes. two 3 bunchese of hay chord and a pad lock.  Hi! Am I neurotic?  I figure the pad lock will do it,  my last addition. 

                 I dont understand it but some days for me are so horrible.  Bad luck days like today.   Then other days are really good,  then really bad,.... then good then somethihng reallyu bad happens again.  I feel like Im cursed.  For someone who has PTSD, I have been having the worst luck!!!!  It never seems to end.  Its exhausting!     Whats next?  whats next???    Part of this I know is PTSD.  I expect it.  and I need to change the way Im thinking to what is going well and to keep myself more focused on that.     Any advise.    I need it.     thanks