off meds fun

[jamesG.1]

well maybe not, a sudden horrendous vivid dream and I was right back there. That plus brain zaps.

rough.

but I'm keeping on, the way out is through the brain.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but also good to hear that you're keeping on. Yay you! 

[Rainagain]

Keep going, it will diminish in time I think, mine did.

[Three Roses]

 

[jamesG.1]

aye... it will.

was suprised tho. The physical symptoms were easy to rig for, I'm pretty objective about that, but it was the sense ofd injustice boiling up from nowhere that caught me out.

Things have been getting better across the board and I'd felt that stuff was slipping into the past where it belongs. Suddenly I'm back to counting the cost physically, materially and psychoplogically.  It feels like such a nuisance now suddenly. I cannot fathom why the four most significant people in my life let me down so badly. It's just mindboggling how selfish they were, and how content they were to see me carry the baby right up to the canyon edge and over. It's shocking frankly. There is just no excuse for dumping on someone trying to the right thing in a crisis like that.

The problem for me, the thing I just keep coming back to on a subconscious level is that I'm missing something, that somehow they were right and I was wrong. This is the insidious effect of long-term gaslighting. They WERE NOT right. I was forced to look after an 80 year old stroke victim, my own mother, because I had no choice. NO CHOICE. I had no choice because my mother and my brother had contrived to make it impossible for me to do anything else. My brother had strip mined mum's resources for years and mum, obsessed with her cookoo had let it go. Now, when he should have given it back, he ran, his marriage in flames because his narcicism had come home to roost.

SoI had to do it. But my partner, her alcohol fuelled selfishness unable to offer empathy or compassion, then piled on more issues and my business partner, and work did the rest. 4 people, 4 impossible battles with 4 inflexible and selfish brick walls.

So it cost me, and cost me dear. I've been up since 5, the madness brewing in my head like an old teabag. Even now, my brother, my ex and my business partner will be propogating me as the architct of my own misfortune but you know what? ****** em. Deep down they know how badly they failed their much trumpeted moral compassess.

But when I look back, I feel sick. "William, William, it was really nothing. It was your life"

I'll get back up again shortly, but what an ugly picture.

[Rainagain]

Sometimes the ugly truth becomes too vivid. Can't look away so have to stare at it for a bit.

I'm working on documents relating to my employer, brings it to the height of obsession, at least for a while.

They let me down so badly you'd think they were family......

[jamesG.1]

"They let me down so badly you'd think they were family......"

laughed a lot at that.

[Rainagain]

Dark humour rocks.