Odd difficult conversation mixed with relief

[ah]

Had such a strange experience in the past few days.
I had to talk to one of my least favorite abuser accomplices who has been hurting me with relish for over a decade, and it was so different from any time I spoke to this person in the past. After a few years of absolute silence and withdrawal, they may not have changed but I really did change, apparently.

I saw really clearly how... well, sorry to say this but just how stupid, deeply blind and stupid they are. They're not sadistic, just so stupid. So limited. So habituated. So repetitive. Without any glimmer of change.

I used to think it was all me, kept begging and hoping to be forgiven for some horrible sin I must have committed to be treated so hatefully. But to be honest, I saw relatively little of myself in the conversation we had this time.
I was quite open, the topic wasn't a happy one but I was direct and the response was blunt. Over and over.
At some point, to my surprise, it was so blunt and repetitive and silly that I just raised my voice (Me? Raise my voice at people? Who ever heard of such a thing?) ever so slightly and said in a constrained sort of way that this makes little sense, reality is such and such, I'm sorry but that's where I am and what they're asking is unattainable.
We ended the conversation without me trying to be forgiven for setting this boundary or wanting to die for knowing it was never seen. Things that were said and would have left me crushed by my self loathing a couple of years ago left me disgusted, thinking darkly "What? Trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty and thinking I'm evil in such a transparent way? Yuck, ma'am."

Really very ugly conversation that left me reeling. But still.

Conflict is still atrociously painful for me, and having to anticipate talking to this person left me very anxious, but this was a liberating one in a way. Never knew how deeply flawed OTHER people are. I don't mean unkind, or selfish, I mean just ... well...        Huh...? Are they really THAT stuck in their own little skulls of sadness? Was I always so terrified of them that I didn't even see they're so unworthy all on their own, unrelated to my unworthiness?

Odd experience. Not sure what to think.

[sanmagic7]

i know what to think - you got some immense clarity and strength enough not only to look at this person whole and true, but you stood up for yourself as well.  i think you're a warrior!

yay, you, ah.  you go.  here's to many more 'odd' conversations.  i also think that with practice, this will be easier for you, not only to do it but to digest it.  very courageous, and proof positive of how much you've grown.  big warm hug to you, sweetie.

[woodsgnome]

Good for you, Ah; to have stayed cool enough to observe some of what might be going on, both in regard to the other person but especially with yourself. It's easy, especially for someone with a history of cptsd abuse, to take the lesser of evils and just get out of the way. That's been my pattern, too. One friend once said to me..."there's one thing about you [me]--you absolutely can't stand conflict." Yep.

And you're right--sadism often goes together with stupidity, but the victim doesn't necessarily see that, especially right away; sometimes it's not obvious 'til long after. Once that's realized, it doesn't make any of what the other did forgivable, but does relieve the guilt based on feelings of "what could I have done better", when in fact you really did do the best you were capable of, and trusted/hoped they'd get it. Some, maybe most, don't get it at all--so it helps to realize this before continuing along the lines of "it must be me".

We're so prone to self-blame, self-loathing, and distrust of our inner beings. It takes some doing to see this fallacy, so thanks for pointing it out.

[Rainagain]

Well done Ah, you have stood up to a bone head and recognised them for what they are.

That is enormous, a huge thing.

Could the key have been that they just went on and on like a broken record? I suspect that allowed you to see how little they were inside.

I aspire to be more like you were, state your case and step back from any non sense you get in return. So pleased for you, I feel proud of you, which is weird!

[DecimalRocket]

Wow Ah. You managed to stand up for yourself so well this time. I know how much you lack self worth to yourself, but this shows that a part of you can actually believe that you're worth something to stand up for yourself. You're not a monster. You stood up against a monster, and that can be ridiculously scary.

I admire that, Ah. I've certainly been treated horribly before emotionally enough for trauma, but never as much as they see me as deserving to die. I was more emotionally neglected than abused, and that's what I'm used to. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to survive a situation like that without my self worth being destroyed enough to say something. But you? Damn. You did.

When people are being cruel over and over, it's not a good idea to make it all nice and easy all the time. They need a much more direct argument against them to stop them. It's verbal self defense. Nothing to be ashamed of for that.

Cheering you on.