No contact - are there alternatives?

[Cookido]

My partner is since about 3 months back no contact with his parents due to a (undiagnosed!) narcissistic mother.

I don't have narc. parents myself but I try to be understanding. I just wonder if I could get some input from others. (I have met my partners mother and she truly terrifies me).

The father hasn't behaved okay either, but I wonder if it might be more damaging for my partner to go no contact with him as well instead of keeping a relationship with at least one of his parents?

My partner won't really deal with all of this, and also, he can't meet a professional at the moment due to a lot of messy things. He wanna avoid both of the parents so I havn't pushed at anything. But I'm wondering and worrying because I feel partly responsible for him going no contact and I'm just afraid it will hurt him more. 

Maybe I just don't understand the situation fully. But others who has gone no contact, was it possible to build a relationship with one parent and not the other?

[ah]

I'm sure it's very complex, and I don't know enough. Only my own personal experience.
I bet it's always such a tough choice with a lot of long term pain involved, and self doubt.

In my case it was an act of self care, probably the first I ever made. When I reached the point of NC with FOO it was a question of life and death. I didn't get there out of strength, it was a necessity. I felt I was with my back against the wall, and NC was my only option. I felt the only thing worse than not talking to these people was to talk to these people, they're just that dangerous.

Society has such a huge blind spot when it comes to emotional abuse but it's extremely dangerous and violent. So is neglect. They're really no small thing... so what others who haven't gone through it see may be very partial. The only person who really knows is the person in it.

The most important question for me, that helped me figure things out in my own head, was: how does contact with my FOO make me feel?
When I know I'm about to meet them how do I function? Am I in pain emotionally and/or physically, how is my health, how do I sleep 'etc.? Signs of distress I needed to lean on because I was so totally distanced from my emotions.

Does your partner feel differently after talking to his F? To his M?
Does his F do things with him just the two of them alone, or is his M always there too? Do his F and M always show up everywhere together as a unit? Does he have a relationship with his F? Does his F seem to be like his M in lack of empathy, callousness, all the narcissistic traits?
Sadly, his F will may stick by his wife if there's a conflict, so there may not be that much of an option to just not talk to one of them. 
In my case, my parents were separated so it was less complex in that sense, I had to deal with each one separately. But together they may be stronger.

For me, my body's reaction was the really telling thing that drove me to NC. Whenever I had contact with my F, after meeting him I'd always be violently sick. I may have taken on his abuse because I didn't know I could refuse, but my body was more transparent. Always the same physical response. It went on for many years. Finally it dawned on me that I was gaining nothing from this repetitive torture, and I didn't have to keep submitting to it. The concept of saying No was a really new one for me.

My F only become more and more incensed as I stopped responding to him in my usual docile way, so it really took a lot of strength for me for a long while to keep up not talking. I caught myself a few times longing to be loved and stopped myself in the last minute before writing miserable emails begging for forgiveness. But also, to my surprise, NC gave me new found strength. I started changing and eventually reached the same conclusion re. the rest of FOO too. The distance gives me a bit of breathing room to analyze my own feelings for once.

Very low contact is also really possible, maybe. Just the bare minimum to keep the appearance of contact and polite normalcy, without rocking the boat - and no more. Less direct than NC, so it may be easier. More vague so less questions may be asked, less attacks too.
I never told any of my FOO I wasn't in contact with them anymore. I didn't share it with them because there's no one to share it with.

It's probably never easy or clean. Human beings are such a messy, painful business. NC with FOO has been one of the worst things I have to endure, and also the best. It's still both.

[Cookido]

Thank you ah for your response! I will try and talk to my partner about the questions you mentioned, they were good and I think it would be helpful for my partner to think it through, especially about the relationship with his dad.

My partner isn't very open about his feelings and when he lived with his parents he was in a drug addiction. I think drugs was his only way to cope and he has never been able to speak openly about his thoughts it seems. Since he went NC he completely stopped with the drugs though. He also seems happier.

So far it hasn't been possible to be in contact with only the father because the mother uses the fathers phone and social media. I was hoping the father would reach out more I guess. It also makes me think that maybe it's not very urget to communicate so soon. It seems like there's a lot of emotional exploration to be done.

[artemis23]

I think maybe just respect his decision and be supportive. It sounds like you are feeling guilty about it like maybe he came to the choice because you could see his mother is a nightmare (aka you are terrified of her) and it was harder for him to see or acknowledge being the child. It couldn't have been an easy choice to make and I'm sure he thought it through. It is never easy to cut off contact with our abusive parents/family. It sounds like the dad is toxic too. Waffling in your support of him in this might create more problems for him, actually. It sounds like he made a healthy choice. I personally think it would be more helpful if you just give him your 100% support for his decision.

[Blueberry]

 

I was NC with one parent and LC with the other a long time ago, and have been on and off again NC with one sib since my teens. I'm now VLC with everybody. I don't have a partner / spouse myself but even when well-meaning friends question my decisions or worse try and support some family member, it's not conducive to maintaining the friendship, shall we say. It's not that I cut my friends off, but I'm learning to speak up and say my truth.

Going VLC or NC is not an easy decision. I didn't do it on a whim and I can't imagine anybody else does either to an adult FOO member. My M did it as a punishment to tiny children. I don't mean a 10-minute time-out, I mean hours long. That seemed easy to her.  But me towards other family members? It's a heart-rending decision I make and made to protect myself from retramautisation, which has happened twice before in the last few years with bad repercussions including long-term health. I don't mean to be harsh, but I really can't do with anybody questioning that need. This is all just my personal experience.

VLC or VVVLC are of course alternatives. The most important thing is boundary-setting. NOt boundary-asking or boundary-pleading but that I or your H set boundaries towards FOO members. When the FOO member crosses those boundaries, there are repercussions e.g. even less contact. I learned a lot about boundaries at our sister website OutOfTheFog http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

For some people like me keeping up appearances with seemlingly innocuous things like birthday cards are triggering so not done. The act of writing a card or even signing my name on a card when I don't want to saps me of energy, big-time. So I don't do it anymore. 

You mention your partner stopped with drugs on going NC! That's a huge sign. I wouldn't want to tamper with that myself.

My VLC allows occasional email and letter contact but no phone. It wasn't until after a few months of this that I noticed how much more relaxed I am in my own apartment. Before I'd always been nervous and jumpy. And I hadn't even noticed the connection.

[Cookido]

Thank you artemis23! So far I kept the thoughts to myself. When he left his parents I let him stay at my place, so we live together now. I try my hardest to support him, just that sometimes I wish he talked to me more. But I really agree with you that it's his decision.

I felt partly responsoble because at the time I was living with him and his parents. Long story short, after 4 months * broke loose and the M started to yell and threatend me. So I left, I didn't dare to stay a day longer and my partner left with me. After a month of her calling and texting everyday he decided NC. I think I made the right choice of leaving that day, but the IC sometimes gets to me and I blame myself for everything that happened. My partner had told me about his mother before I moved in, but I didn't fully believe him at the time and I was worried about him, so I moved in. Thouse 4 months was an eye opener. I struggle writing about this, maybe my text is super confusing. I get quite triggered remembering it all and my thoughts seem messy. I have issues with cptsd and right now it makes me question everything. And I feel like I'm an awful person when I write it down. I think I'm trying to say it's a sensitive subject for me.

Blueberry, thank you for sharing. Every story is of course individual but what you are saying really gives perspective. I've noticed my partner gets triggered during holidays but also meeting my family, so he doesn't. I thought he just didn't like my family but then it might instead be connected to his FOO.. I've tried to ask but he doesn't talk about it. 

You are so right about what you say that I shouldn't question him and also I myself hate it when people question my choices. I need to remind myself that I'm not responsible for him.

[artemis23]

Aw Cookido, I totally feel you. I just made a leap based on my own reactions to things. We are so quick to make things our fault and try and take responsibility for things we don't need to. That sounds like a horrific experience for you as well I am glad you are both out of there and safe from it. I see you may have really helped him to extricate himself from a very unhealthy parent. This makes you a really good partner and person. Just a little reminder, I forget things like this myself mostly. Hope I didn't come across as harsh I've been second guessing myself all day lol, basically exactly what I said you don't have to do. hahahah ugh

[ah]

My partner isn't very open about his feelings and when he lived with his parents he was in a drug addiction. I think drugs was his only way to cope and he has never been able to speak openly about his thoughts it seems. Since he went NC he completely stopped with the drugs though. He also seems happier.

Sounds like a really good answer for most of the questions, in my mind.
I agree it's so difficult to reach this point when you give up on someone that deeply. Seeming happier, stopping the drugs, it all says he's made the right decision. Extremely difficult and painful but very right.

Also:

I've noticed my partner gets triggered during holidays but also meeting my family, so he doesn't. I thought he just didn't like my family but then it might instead be connected to his FOO.. I've tried to ask but he doesn't talk about it.

That sounds very familiar to me, too. Think about it this way: whenever I see a family, see or hear people relating to one another as a family, it breaks my heart because it reminds me of what I never had and then lost. Yeah, I know I know, it makes no sense to see something that never was as having been lost, but of course I feel it was my doing that I lost it. I feel guilty, I feel bad. I think "See? Everyone deserves it but you because you're evil filth." I flash back to specific instances of domestic violence and abuse and life long abuse. All of these emotions and images come up in my mind when I see parents and children acting normally toward one another. So I can really understand how meeting your family can be difficult for him. Meeting any family can be difficult.

His mother sounds terrifying  I'm so glad you left quickly, it was the right thing to do.
Please give yourself a little metaphorical hug, you're so supportive to him and caring so deeply is what he needs right now. Well, we all do. Be there for him, whether he's silent or talkative. He's made an enormously courageous and difficult decision and that's more than enough. Sometimes talking is harmful, and silence is a source of strength. Sounds like he's making choices that are good for him.

Yeah, some parents aren't people at all, he wasn't exaggerating when he described his M  Been there.

He'll maybe continue to be in pain regarding this area of his life, like carrying around a limb that hurts him. I hope it will become less and less painful but it's just how it is, I guess. Family is so triggering to some, with periodical pain and triggers. No rest for the wicked...

[Blueberry]

I've noticed my partner gets triggered during holidays but also meeting my family, so he doesn't. I thought he just didn't like my family but then it might instead be connected to his FOO.. I've tried to ask but he doesn't talk about it.

That sounds very familiar to me, too. Think about it this way: whenever I see a family, see or hear people relating to one another as a family, it breaks my heart because it reminds me of what I never had and then lost.

I used to get triggered into deep, deep sadness and depression when around any families, especially before I went VLC / NC actually. It happens a lot less frequently now. I don't think I ever figured out the exact reason, but ah's reason doesn't resonate when I read it so I think it must be something else. Often these families were actually friends of mine with children. I liked being with them but still felt waves of sadness when I was with them. Just saying there can be a number of reasons for not wanting to be with families, your own or others'.

[Cookido]

artemis23, it's alright, you didn't come out as harsh, you said good things! I just thought my thread could need some back story.

ah, yes, he has worked hard and is still working hard! Also wanna say thank you for this quote, "Sometimes talking is harmful, and silence is a source of strenght." I'm so used to hearing that talking about your problems solves everything (I study social work at this is like A and O of the whole program) and I just feel like talking can be very * at times. It just feels kinda good to hear that silence can be alright too.

Blueberry, good point. My family is difficult and my partner has expressed dislikes about them before, but after he went NC he avoids my family completely. Might be a mix of both then, or something else.

[Mia2017]

That is a very complex and individual question.

I wished I could have contact with my brother and my father, but my narcissistic mother has them under her control without them realizing it. Instead, according to my family I am the mean and selfish person now that I went NC and got attacked verbally by my brother. In his opinion, I was a traitor "because I did that to my poor Mom who was crying her eyes out". He still lives with my Mom at the age of 40+.

It is the more sad that I reconciled with my father a couple of years ago, when he apologized for him being an alcoholic during my childhood and youth and making my life miserable. Even though, my mother disapproved of this reconciliation and has always had only hateful words for my father, in conversations, he talked about her as "such a wonderful woman and all the mess was only his fault" and my brother's, because "he was a lazy brat". My father is like a dependent child, and even though my parents have been separated for 25+ years, he still calls on her to help him with paperwork and my mother apparently has contact with him, too, even though she hates him.

Looking at all the dependencies, lies, enmeshment and hate that has been going on for decades in my family, I decided it was healthier for me to go NC with my whole FOO. This does not mean that I am not sad about this development, especially when I see pictures on the Internet that my brother had posted where he looked like a ghost with a face like a rock and no smile and nothing. He is lost and I can't help him.

If your partner chose to go NC with his whole FOO, he may have a reason or just a desire to not have to deal with this mess anymore.

[JuniperShadow]

Cookido, I echo what a lot of others have said here about this being a very individual situation. The only thing I can add is that when I first went NC, I thought of my M as the main bad guy and my D as one of her victims. Through therapy, however, I have realized that my D was not just an equal partner to this abuse but also abused me in other, subtler ways that she didn't. His may have been the most damaging, in fact. Looking back, it's hard to believe how deluded I was at the time.

Time away from them and therapy are the way for him to figure it all out. And remember that he doesn't have to declare "I'll never see them again" - he can just ask each day "Do I want to see them today?"

[Cookido]

Thank you Mia2017. You have been through a lot, and it sounds very difficult. Though it also seems like you've been able to reflect on your past and I hope my partner will be able to do so as well and understand the events better.

I also saw that my partners father was very dependent on the mother, something she used to her advantage as well. But JuniperShadow makes good points that the father also has responsibilities in the relationship. My partner did get very hurt when his dad didn't take his side, even when he had asked for help. I guess it was something he always expected from his mother but not from his dad, which maybe hurt even more.