long and winding

Started by jamesG.1, March 25, 2018, 06:12:51 AM

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jamesG.1

slippery processs this, but onwards we go.

Coming off meds, and 2 weeks in. Some great moments, some not so.

Waking up to just how mangled I've been and the effort required to normalise, that's a toughie. Some days I think... who cares? The next I think... who cares... well no one really and why bother?

The biggest issue now is the wait fo just enough energy to get my wheels moving so I can make a bit of progress, and I have had moments of it, for sure. But in some ways that cruel way the bag snaps back shut again is the worst part. My head fog is really heavy right now, and it's maddening. How much is drug withdrawal, and how much is C-PTSD, I just can't tell. What energy I do have is being smothered by work, and once again that's a mess of inefficiency and ego.

So I wait.

Spring is coming, I have a great flat, my social circle is rebuilding, but my writing is at a standstill and I'm struggling to stay up to date with my admin.

One of the hardest times so far in many ways.

radical

Kudos.
This is really big and hard to do.
May you feel the change of season and all the seasons that follow more deeply, and treasure being able to do so.

jamesG.1

thanks mate.

I just found myself writing this earlier, to a friend who implied the "all have our crosses to bear" angle and I dunno, it needed articulating.

morning

not being defensive here, but keen to explain the nuances that I'm riding out at the mo.

Big distinction between frustration and depression in the everyman sense, and what I'm feeling right now. Maybe by dropping the meds I'm bringing it on myself but I was faced with the realisation that there was a fork in the road regarding C-PTSD and treatment and I had to weigh up two difficult options. !, I either carried on medicated and numb, not living, disabled by the treatment to the point where I'd become classified as such by the state and be up for handouts and the scrapheap, but at least not feeling any of the bottled up emotion of the last 7 years.

Or...

I pull the plug on them and find out if I can take the hit emotionally in exchange for increased energy, concentration and focus.

Firstly, the withdrawal in itself is fine one minute, then hideous the next. At one point you think you can dance through it and just plain recover, the next you can feel irrevocably broken. One moment I think I'm home dry, the next I can't string a sentence together. This is not mild stuff, this is me slurring my speech, unable to remember simple things and doing all that through this grinding work. Add to that the usual Quercus madness and I'm in tears most days with the sheer frustration of it. Simple distractions just don't work. Nothing works. You can't sleep it off because you can't sleep, and you become exhausted. Sleeping tablets do work, but if you wake up anyway, and I often do, then I'm even more of a zombie than I was before. Plus meanwhile, I'm feeling all the emotions surging back and I'm getting angry, bewildered and confused by it all.

I should say tho, that I'm maintaining my objectivity. I know this is to be expected. Plain sucks tho.

Deep down I am just desperate to engage with just a few bits of the stuff that defines me, the writing, countryside and sex, food, to be lost in my connection with art, life, people, work. Stuff. I just want this hood off my head so I can take in the air ffs.

I know I'm closer now, and maybe that's what is hurting me more, I see it, it goes, it's in range, it vanishes.

I know we all have our problems and our crosses to bear, but as a veteran of the SNAFU lifestyle, I can sincerely say this is something different. Other-worldy and way beyond a choice driven attitude. I left the world I was in because it had sapped all my positivity and my hope, and I just couldn't see why I wouldn't just fly once I'd got clear. I had my talents, my good nature and my drive, it was mine to use right? Well, that's the horrible thing about PTSD. It's a illness of aftermath, and in a ghastly sense, it's worse than the things that triggered it. I'd got the honey badgers out of my car and I was already to drive off - and then nothing. No gas, I couldn't see the controls, the gear stick had turned into a rubber dog chew and there was vaseline all over the windscreen.

I'm not asking for salvation from an outside source. I want to do it myself, I want to prove myself and show what I have no doubts I can do.. all day, every day.

I'm a writer. A good one. I'm funny. I'm kind, personable and honest. I'm sensitive in all the good ways, tactile and loving, giving, generous. I work hard, I have wide skill base and a helluva of a lot to give.

That's it really.

The advice says wait. Wait it out, don't push too hard and be kind to yourself. What they don't say is, where the cash for this waiting will come from. That's the issue, I have to hold the line through the frigging thing. No partner to help me mend, no family to watch the exits, I had the opposite to that and when things are complex and I can't get out of bed to do the simplest things, I panic.

I don't need much, I just need normal enough to make a difference long enough to effect change.

Rainagain

Sorry to read you are suffering this.

I get it. All you want is a fair fight with cptsd, but the low blows keep landing and there's no referee.

I find I wobble between despair and optimism, up and down like the Assyrian empire.

Would it help to read your posts from a month or so ago? A reminder of you on a good day?

Part of my recovery is knowing I'm up and down and not getting swept away by either imposter if I can help it.

On med withdrawal, my psych seemed amazed I had gotten off his venlafaxine last week and asked how I'd managed it, like I had pulled a fast one in some way. Truth is that it was horrendous, but I didn't let on.......keep em off balance.

Thinking of you, just remember how far you have come, and how green will be your valley.

Blueberry

Quote from: jamesG.1 on March 25, 2018, 06:12:51 AM
Spring is coming, I have a great flat, my social circle is rebuilding, but my writing is at a standstill and I'm struggling to stay up to date with my admin.


Spring comes of its own accord, but you found the flat yourself and you're rebuilding your social circle :cheer: You were brave to do your big geographical move :applause: you're working on the after-effects of that.
I find I can work on only a few 'projects' at a time. When projects more personal, I manage to keep the easier side of my business sort of going, but admin gets really behind and my more difficult profession goes by the way side. When I do the more difficult profession, everything else goes by the wayside, even self-care.

I have faith in you that your writing will come back. So do you, I see. The cash is the problem. That seems a common worry for freelancers from what I hear from others without CPTSD on top of it. I get money from the state and FOO but I read you don't want the former and I know the latter is out for you. (I haven't read most of your longer post, not in a place where that's possible today).

Who cares? you ask. We do. Lots of people on here care about you! I remember when the forum came back up after those few weeks, there were people asking "Where is James??" I remember posting in answer that I thought you were off making big progress IRL, which you were obviously.  :hug:


jamesG.1

well I've started painting. A good sign. Not finished. A Welsh landscape.



Blueberry

Wow!  :applause: I really have faith in you that your earning powers won't let you down.

jamesG.1

I just want to do what I'm capable of, ya know? I don't want to waste another second of my life on managing people with a death wish, people who want the rest of us to die, or people who are scared to live, wish or embrace. But I wanted it gone, and I got C-PTSD instead. A hard knock after many other hard knocks. Well get it up ya ya bastages. Jame's is gonna live, and create, and love. Stuff ya!

Rainagain

Anger is an energy.

The landscape is very well done, good job.

jamesG.1

ah... a John Lydon fan eh?

radical

#10
 ;)  May the road rise to meet you both. (Model citizens in every way...).

Your writing here has a distinct clarity, JohnG.   I know you are not putting the kind of discipline into what you write on this forum, compared to your professional work,  but quality shines through.

And, I really believe that  people with CPTSD have something special to offer the world.  I know you do, JohnG.

edited to add: I know you do too, Rainagain.  Added not because I felt I "should", but because I started talking to John specifically.

jamesG.1

That's kind.

I'm mulling over writing something specific about C-PTSD and putting on kindle btw. Not a self help thing, but a light introduction to the key weapons we have to defeat the thing.  Kind of an owner's manual

Three Roses

QuoteI just want this hood off my head so I can take in the air ffs.

:yeahthat:

Having much the same experiences here. I want to do it on my own, as meds free as possible.

Love your painting!