Saying hi -- new to this forum

[Enya]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to make my first post here. My therapist recommended this website, so I thought I would stop by and say hi.

I'm in my late 50s and dealing with CPTSD that is nearly lifelong. I've been in and out of abuse recovery for about 35 years, and I've done some hard work on my issues. But I have been having an intense time of it lately, with a lot of physical and emotional flashbacks to things that occurred when I was very small. It has been very overwhelming to feel all of these feelings. Some incidents, I'd never forgotten, but the feelings have been flooding me in a way they never have before; and I've been remembering other things for the first time since I was a teenager. It's as though the dam I'd built up over the course of my life has broken. I've been crying a lot, grieving, and feeling a lot of deep, painful aloneness. I suppose I must somehow be ready for this for the feelings to finally break through, but yikes.

I have had trauma in both childhood and adulthood, and I've dealt with a lot of isolation. The flashbacks are intruding so much these days that it's hard to feel connected to others. But when I'm able to be present, I feel perhaps more connected to others than I've ever felt in my life. It's as though I am feeling everything very intensely -- the good and the difficult.

Anyway, just want to say hi and hope everyone is getting something that they need from this forum.

- Enya

[Dee]

Welcome Enya,

I have had trauma in both childhood and adulthood.  While I have dealt with some memories I have never had them to the extent that you seem to be experiencing.  I feel for you.  Please keep posting.

Dee

[Three Roses]

Hello! This has been a very supportive community IME and I hope you find it the same!

[Estella]

Hi Enya,

Welcome to the forum. I just want to encourage you and say it sounds like you've put so much effort into recovery so far. I hope you can draw on any helpful cbt techniques you've learnt in the past to get you through this time of intense flashbacks. Stay connected to others in your life who are compassionate and can support you, if it's possible.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Enya  I hope you find it as supportive as I have from day one!

[Enya]

Hi y'all - thanks so much for the welcome! Looking forward to being a part of this community.

- Enya

[Slackjaw99]

Welcome. I'm also in my 50s and I was recently in the same situation where more and more memories- both cognitive and emotional were bubbling up to torment me daily. I recently engaged in some highly experimental therapy that worked beyond my wildest dreams, and I'm now in remission from cPTSD. One takeaway from my experience is that the memories and emotions bubbling to the surface are actually a blessing in disguise because they give you a better shot at grieving them away for good given the right type of therapy. Put another way, I always ran from my emotional flashbacks through drugs, drinking, sex, or any other dissociating vice. Now I run towards them- that is if I have one given that I haven't had any for about a month now.

[Enya]

Hi Slackjaw99 -

Wow, I'm so amazed to hear about the relief you've gotten from the therapy you did. Do you want to share what type of therapy it was? I agree with you that these memories are a blessing in disguise, as awful as they are. Finally, I am able to face not just what happened, but its impact on me, in a way I couldn't do before. I was always holding certain things at arm's length because I I just wasn't ready to look at them or feel them. And now, here they are. I've been grieving a lot, and everyone I talk to about healing says that grief is good -- that the body and soul know why they're crying, and to let it happen. So I am.

I am really understanding, for the first time in my life, that I can deal with deeper levels of healing only when I am ready. I've tried to push the process before, through an act of sheer will, thinking, "I need to be strong, I need to face this, I need to figure this out, I need to heal already." I'm now realizing that the healing process takes its own time and goes its own way and that it doesn't look the way I expected it would.

--Enya

[the mirliton]

Welcome Enya (love the name),
I do not post often but find it is extremely comforting to have such an understanding, loving, safe community 24/7 when it seems there is no place for me to be. My episodes of self-destruct due to my negative gremlin who likes to sit on my shoulder to remind me of my unworthiness always happen when my very small support group needs to sleep. I also have childhood & adult trauma, always figuring that the adult trauma was totally due to my own gullibility in the relationships. My rock star Psy Nurse told me when I shared that thought with her, was that I wasn't "gullible" but rather from a very young age had no example of what having safe boundaries was like.
This forum is awesome and I just checked out the "store" on the site. There are great book suggestions and a couple of way cool t-shirts!
Nice.
I have been on a healing journey for quite some time, and just when I think I'm doing ok...wham bam a trigger happens and all of my tools to help me to deal with it disappear! I find I make myself VERY WORN OUT with the whole process of dealing with me. 
I shared this song in the music area of this forum. I listen to it whenever that annoying Gremlin of mine starts whispering it's negative nothings into my ears.
The song: This Is Me (should of won Best Song at the Oscars IMHO)
"I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm Meant to be, This is Me!"

https://youtu.be/wEJd2RyGm8Q
"We are Warriors!"