Back to Earth Recovery Journal

DecimalRocket · April 03, 2018, 09:15:20 AM

Continuing from the last post. . .

Me : Catholic Guilt, you still there? *Opens box*
CG : YOU WILL BRING SHAME ON YOUR COMMUNITY, YOUR FAMILY AND WILL GO TO *.
Me : *closes box* Yeah, still there . . .
CG : Your hand is wet. . .
Me : Errr, I just washed my hands.

....

I don't know, but with all this I'm starting to feel ordinary, and even though I wanted to be normal, I hate it.

It sounded more impressive when I worried about big deeper issues, and not worrying about everyday teenage problems. I don't even enjoy remembering my age. I was always dissociated from knowing my age on some level, and I guess it's because some people underestimate me for it.

Sometimes I like learning things like the Mandelbrot equation or the philosophy of reality. Sometimes I like watching things things like a cooking anime or a really cheesy magical highschool show. I'm sure more people praised me more when I wasn't being ordinary, but I like ordinary things too.

In some ways, I'm extraordinary, and in other ways, I'm ordinary.

I hope it's just enough to stand out and enough to fit in.

Well, soon I have to figure out if I can just "wash my hands".

sanmagic7 · April 03, 2018, 04:02:59 PM

you brought a smile to my face this morning, d.r. with your little cg scenario.

unfortunately, it's too bad about the guilt and shame. i don't believe in anything or anyone anymore who does that to someone. sucks. feeling guilt and/or shame for being human? no, ain't buying it, not even renting it.

i know that religious stuff runs deep and is difficult to get rid of. they also use that fear of eternal damnation on top of everything else to try to keep us in line. also sucks.

i can totally relate to what you said about being ordinary. i've struggled a lot with that myself. well, when i was growing up, c's weren't allowed on my report card (and kids who got c's were average). the expectations for me were always to be above that, and i was in so many ways. coming down off that pedestal has been a hard trip.

love you and a big hug today, sweetie.

DecimalRocket · April 04, 2018, 10:51:39 AM

Glad it was funny to you, San. I was panicking but at the same time I found it all a little funny. Haha. It's humbling in a way. Having impulses like these reminds me that I'm not just human, but an animal. Human beings like to think they're outside nature, but in truth we're part of it. It makes it easier not to be so hard on my emotions and be connected to something beyond human beings.

...

Thinking things through, I get why it's easier for me to understand people now even with Asperger's.

OOTS is a better place on learning how to understand people than occupational therapy. It provides a much more practical view of people to connect with the ideas of my obsessive study into psychology. I understand people faster, better and warmer. No need to read as many reviews or comments on fiction books or shows to understand what in the world is going on.

Though I can still lose stamina on understanding even more commonly understood social situations, but hey the energy will come back eventually. My alone time then is a sweet treat. Body language is harder though. It's easier to memorize body language pictures in a book, but . . . bodies move so fast in real life. So . . . fast. Well, tone of voice is a little easier.

I find affection awkward, and so I can act incredibly blunt because my logical brain loads faster than my emotional brain. People keep telling me that my fondness for them behind those words are obvious. Oh damn. I think it's in my body language. How do they tell? People are magicians. I don't even notice what I'm feeling in the moment when people say what they think I'm feeling sometimes.

It's rewarding to have this progress, but I think my brain exploded. When this happens, I don't understand people as well, but the emotions that I care about them are still there, and I'm not sure if many people care about me too. But I care about them.

That's simple enough for even me to understand after all.

Just. . . why do my softer emotions have to show up so easily without me knowing? It's embarrassing, and what it does to my emotions and other's emotions is . . . confusing. Very confusing.

I make a terrible liar.

sanmagic7 · April 04, 2018, 05:35:08 PM

i'm a terrible liar, too, and i just burst out laughing when i read that from you. my emotions are so plain on my face, even when i'm trying to hide them for whatever reason. even when i'm not even aware of what they are myself. it is weird.

i've found this forum to be very fundamentally helpful as well. i read as much as i could find about narc abuse, recovering from it, etc., but it's been the actual kindness, generosity, and love i've gotten from people here that put the practical suggestions into play. i would have never thought that of an online support group. nor, as someone else mentioned, the closeness i feel to some of the people here. you're one of them, despite the difference in our ages.

keep up the good work, d.r. birthday coming up. o boy. love and a warm, caring hug to you.

DecimalRocket · April 05, 2018, 10:52:10 AM

Heh. Well, nice to hear from you, San. My bluntness doesn't really help much. It doesn't help that my voice is uncontrollably softspoken from lack of use.

The problem is that they're also more touchy feel and affectionate than . . . other places, and that's. . . that's terrifying. I've even seen big men hugging each other here without anyone blinking an eye.

~~I kinda like it.~~

I'll eventually learn to like warmth from other people more though. . . I hope.

Eughh.

On my birthday, I want no big parties. Small gathering. I'll just buy books. Lots of them. Also rice. Rice is the meaning of life.

On a more serious note, I'm not going to open up about the rest of the day. In truth I worked through some tough stuff with tears, but I'm not ready to share it. I just like to take it easy for today.

Hope67 · April 05, 2018, 01:45:36 PM

Hi Decimal Rocket,

Glad you've decided to take things easy for the rest of the day, and I would like to wish you an ok remainder of the day.

to you, if that's ok.

Hope

Sceal · April 05, 2018, 09:07:09 PM

I echo everything Hope said!

sanmagic7 · April 06, 2018, 01:09:25 AM

take your time. if you ever feel like sharing, we're here for you. love and a warm hug (cyber, so not too touchy feely)

DecimalRocket · April 06, 2018, 03:46:45 AM

Thanks everyone for the well wishes.

As I recover, I move away from the extremes of viewing myself, while becoming more realistic. The past and future is no longer a complete disaster or a complete miracle. Whatever conditions I have both provide strong disadvantages and advantages to how it manifests in my specific situation, not others or in stereotypes. I'm no epitome of weakness or perfection of a human being.

I'm just . . . me.

But I miss being in those extremes of good. I miss thinking highly of myself on a delusional level. I know what's wrong about it, and I'm not turning back, but I miss it. I crave it, and maybe I'm being a **** for still craving it.

Though, I'm deeply ashamed. I see learning as something essential, and arrogance means there's no openness to learning. Second to that worry is that I'm just concerned about what other people will think of this craving. I keep remembering how other people saw me before, especially considering I don't exactly make the best liar.

Many people would say I'm pretty openminded and I could see that, but there's a side of me that wants clear answers. A side of me that doesn't want to admit I'm wrong or I don't know, and it drives the side of me that wants to learn crazy. I'm scared. The only reason I'm on OOTS right now is because I was curious enough to research about several things, and I came across trauma.

I feel less shy to talk about my own interests (even if it's just online), but I hate what shyness is left there. I'm not used to people being able to be equal or even better at my level in intellectual debates or discussions. I'm not used to situations where how my bluntness is softened with humor, and others' straightforwardness seems like bluntness to me.

Maybe I'm just being an easily offended ***** and being incredibly petty.

I've been trying to push it down with shame, underconfidence and overmodesty.

I may look easygoing at first glance and people ask me if I ever get angry, but the truth is that I'm full of pride. I'm pissed at people. Pissed at myself. Pissed at my own inner critic.

I just wanted to belong.

sanmagic7 · April 06, 2018, 12:17:49 PM

nothing wrong with being pissed off if that's what you need to do.

no shame in being who you are, who you were, who you might be.

i get the arrogance part, having the answers, thinking i'm better or more than others. it was getting so sick that helped get me off most of that pedestal. i'm glad you're getting down without that extreme needed to push you off. it hasn't been fun, but maybe it was what i needed. i might never have climbed down on my own.

i rarely, if ever, get mad at myself or feel ashamed. that hasn't been part of my emotional makeup for too long. only recently have i been able to feel any of those things, and only sporadically.

funny how an opportunity at learning led you here, where you've become such a valuable member of this community. i love it when the magic does its thing.

keep going, sweetie. sending a hug full of love and acceptance no matter what.

DecimalRocket · April 07, 2018, 12:57:11 AM

Thanks, I needed that acceptance. Badly.

But I don't understand it.

When I was younger, my mom expected me to be proper and kind to people while I warmed up in a more lighthearted and straightforward way. She praised me when I learned more about the practical, but not when I prioritized the intellectual and fun.

Later she praised me when I was loud and happy but not when I was quiet and mellow. I was more analytical and casual while she was more emotional and formal.

She praised me on things she liked in herself without ever asking me what I liked and got angry when I was different. She told me to imagine how others would see her as a terrible mom, huh?
As a kid, I kept making sound arguments against the rules of adults, but somehow that withered away with time. I grew more . . . passive and . . . distant.

Sigh. Lying never suited me. I form my words like an engineer. Always trying to find the precise words, while keeping things simple enough. That's why I nearly always have edits. The slightest falsehood and lack of clarity just seems so . . . inaccurate.

Heh. Numberphile's fans are full of people making terrible jokes that require knowledge of advanced math to understand. What kind of nerdy morons like to think up math pick up lines anyway?

Well, I do.

sanmagic7 · April 07, 2018, 02:18:24 AM

you're not alone, d.r. lying never suited me, either. i got in trouble a lot for telling the truth in my family, even tho one of my dad's biggest deals was to be honest. talk about mixed messages.

that acceptance thing is so huge. accepting us for who we are, not what we look like, not how we make others look, not cuz of doing well or living up to someone else's expectations. our little child voices get drowned out no matter how we try to explain our own truths - be it thru words, or even pre-verbal.

adults have bigger and louder voices. we never could win, never could be ourselves, never could be good enough, never could get accepted. we never had a chance.

i hope no numberphile ever tries a pick-up line on me. i wasn't too good at math, especially past geometry. i liked working theorems, but that's about it. if someone expected me to understand higher math in order to know that they wanted to go out with me, i wouldn't get it. another one bites the dust.

i don't think you have to understand acceptance as long as you know it feels right when you get it. it's a gut thing. keep taking care of you, sweetie. love and a big hug full of acceptance.

DecimalRocket · April 07, 2018, 11:59:58 AM

Something you feel rather than understand, huh? I'd keep that in mind.

Haha. I don't have standards high as that with the math. For a very simple to understand example, there are amicable numbers — numbers that aren't complete without each other. For example, there's 220 and 284. Because if you take the numbers that divide them perfectly together, they add to each other.

220 has
1, 2, 4, 5, 10, 11, 20, 22, 44, 55, 110 and it adds to 284.
284 has
1, 2, 4, 71, 142 and it adds to 220.

Me, you, and the people I care about like this forum is like 220 and 284. We are made of inner factors that complete each other's inner factors. Personally, I find it heartwarming.

Man, I'm weird.

Anyway, I've been posting more on my own threads recently if that's alright. I'm getting more emotionally affected by others' pain, and it's a little too much for me even if I'd like to see how other people are doing. Oh well then.

sanmagic7 · April 07, 2018, 10:05:51 PM

aren't we all? weird, i mean. but, wonderfully weird are the people i like to hang onto.

yep, i was right about the numberphile. didn't understand a word of that. but, i'm glad it makes sense to you, cuz that's what counts. whatever way it works best for you to feel good about yourself, being here, learning new things, how stuff mixes and matches. i would probably go with colors.

love and a big hug to you, sweetie.

Sceal · April 08, 2018, 08:00:11 AM

It's alright to focus on your on thread for a while. Sometimes it's just too much to take in other people's thoughts, discoveries, progress, setbacks and pain when we're trying so hard to improve ourselves. It's perfectly okay to take a break and just dot down your own thoughts for a while.