How to know if you were abusive too

[lyricalliv13]

I've always had behavioral problems ever since I was little. The tiniest thing would push me over the edge.

Everyone has told me that my mom is the one at fault but I really want to be honest about this. I did hit her first sometimes. A lot of times. I did scream first. I would start things too. And I blew up at my new parents weeks ago pretty much exactly the way I would at her.

When I was in foster care I was such a jerk. I wanted all the attention. I verbally harassed my boyfriend for breaking up with me (after I stopped talking to him). I would scream and yell at my foster mother.

If I'm toxic in anyway I want to change. I don't want to stay this way. And I hate saying my mom was abusive, I hate the feelings of anger and things I have towards her I can't let go of. I'm still in high school so maybe it isn't my fault because I was raised by her and that's the only way I knew how to handle my emotions and blah blah blah - that's what people have told me. But I can't believe them. Because if I were toxic of course I'd have convinced them at that.

Knowing that I can be and have been manipulative, how can I know if I'M really the one who was abused? Child or not. Parental abuse is a thing. What if I abused her? Maybe we abused eachother. Maybe what she was doing to me EXPLAINS my abusive behavior but doesn't EXCUSE it. Maybe I need to take responsibility. People have told me that she is abusive and they've lived with her so maybe it's unreasonable to assume it's all my fault but I really, really don't want to be the kind of person who always plays the victim.

Part of me wants to say she was abusive and I did nothing wrong and I can move on without guilt but I don't know if I can fully believe that. I STILL have behavioral issues. So can I really say that?

All I know is when I say "my mother is abusive", nowadays it feels like there's something wrong with that. And I'm scared of being toxic.

[Three Roses]

I'm with you here. I was raised within such a toxic, sick, and violent system, and also experienced physical and emotional abuse from a few teachers at a young age, that I was programmed to think it was normal. So when I acted out in like manner, it was difficult or impossible for healthy people to deal with me, and I was then shunned or rejected.

Gradually I came to realize that the rest of the world did not act that way, and there were healthier ways to express my emotions. I've learned a lot but it is sometimes still a struggle.

Maybe what she was doing to me EXPLAINS my abusive behavior but doesn't EXCUSE it.

This is accurate. "When you know better, you do better." You are certainly not the source of your damaged way of relating to others but you are aware that is not how you want to express your emotions in the future. That's half the battle IMO.

Although it's difficult for me to hear you sound like you're blaming yourself, I have to honor these feelings within you. They are honest and deserve respect. I also know what you mean, and how it felt/feels for me, and so that helps me accept your view that perhaps you are partly responsible (although I still don't agree that you are).

I know it sounds trite to say, "You can't go back and change the past," but it's very true. You can only look forward. I love reading quotes from others and I recently saw a good one - "Don't look back, you're not going in that direction." And tho it's helpful to look at and examine our pasts to gain understanding, it's with the goal in mind (at least in our cases) to find a healthier way to express our individual selves.

You and I are not perfect and never will be. In this we are exactly like everyone else on this planet.

So accept your past behavior and see that you were just not given a healthy role model to show you how to express emotions. It's okay. It's the way you can move forward.

You're not toxic - if you were you wouldn't be examining your role in this, IMO. 

[Blueberry]

Dear Lyricalliv,

You mention parental abuse and wonder if you do that. I know parental abuse exists but I think that's said more of adults who abuse their parents than dependent children/teenagers still living at home and acting out in less appropriate ways because they've never learnt anything better.

Although it's difficult for me to hear you sound like you're blaming yourself, I have to honor these feelings within you. They are honest and deserve respect. I also know what you mean, and how it felt/feels for me, and so that helps me accept your view that perhaps you are partly responsible (although I still don't agree that you are).

I agree with what 3Roses wrote here.

For me the most important part of your post that shows me you're not as toxic-as-they-come is that you're questioning your own role at all and you don't want to stay the way you perceive yourself to be. You want to change, learn better and more appropriate ways of dealing with other people. If you were naturally an abusive person (even if it was all learned behaviour) I don't think you'd be starting to change already without input from outside and possibly even a real outside incentive to change.

I grew up in a pretty toxic family, toxic in a kind of hidden way, not quite so upfront way so I'm basing my opinions on that a bit.