Distant dad and shallow love. Maybe I'm a lot like him.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't think of how much dad plays into my trauma. My mom was the abuser. My dad? He was barely there growing up that it was easy to forget how he added to the picture.

He was the type of dad who joked around. . . but only when he was there. Most of the time he wasn't. When I asked about his past and his personal thoughts, he never would open up. He'd be nice the little time he was there, but most of the time when he was in the house, he'd go straight to his own solitary hobbies. He rarely ever did much during the time my mom shouted at me everyday. He just . . . disappears. A lot like how I dealt with my relationships growing up, and even now to an extent.

I still live with my FOO as I'm turning 17 next month on April 10, and he still feels . . . distant. He buys things for me, and even if I said I didn't want some of these things, he'd buy them anyway. I just go along and thank him, but somehow it feels . . . empty. He gets distant, and I get distant, and I don't really know what to do about it. I'm the child of generations of wealthy business people, and growing up he had this value with money.

For what my ability to detect social cues is worth (which often sucks), It didn't seem like he really wanted to buy me these because he cared about me. Maybe it was another way to show off. Though I often understand people more deeply the longer I'm with them, and he's been around for my entire life.

I wish I had the type of dad who told me his views on life and I share mine. The type of dad who told me stories of his childhood. The type of dad who I'd share hobbies together, and praised me on things other than skills that could make me rich.

Maybe I'm just delusional.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I related to some things you said, when you were talking about your relationship with your F.  I just wanted to send you a hug  and also say that when you concluded at the end that maybe you're "just delusional" - I thought 'I don't think Decimal Rocket is delusional' - I think you are speaking from your experience and you make sense to me.

I also grew up receiving various gifts from my FOO, and at the time believing that those gifts meant they 'cared' about me, but as I've come out of the FOG (i.e. representing 'fear, obligation and guilt') - I've realised that essentially there wasn't much care there - and actually there was emotional neglect for me.  I read an article yesterday that I think a member called Babbit suggested about Emotional Neglect, and it was really well written, maybe look out for that article if you can find it - it's worth a read if you've not read it already.

I am going by my memory regarding who posted about it, so I might have remembered that wrong...  Sorry I've not got the link to it, it was literally called "Emotional Neglect".

Decimal Rocket - I know your Birthday is approaching, and I wanted to wish you a good day for your Birthday - and hope that you will have enjoyable days, before and after it as well.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

I can so relate to the gift giving and just this empty feeling followed by guilt, that I was bad for not being grateful.  I too yearned for something more authentic, real, genuine - to be loved enough that I was worth the effort of more than just a gift to buy me off and look like they were loving, caring parents. I always felt like I was starving in what only appeared to be a sea of plenty. 

I'm so sorry your F is not there for you, it's such a difficult thing to wish for and not receive what you should have had all along. 

I don't know if this is at all interest to you but there is a program called Big Brothers and Sisters (http://www.bbbsi.org/), which matches children, youth and young adults with adult mentors and might provide you with some of what you need/want.   

The Big Brothers mentoring program provides boys and young men with a role model to talk to and share the experiences of growing up with. Through regular outings, a relationship is developed between the mentor and the mentee, which is built on trust and common interests, and is supported by our experienced case-workers. The result is a life-changing experience for both the mentor and the mentee.

Just a thought.

[DecimalRocket]

Guys, thank you about how the gift giving feels empty.

Kizzie, there's sadly no Big Brother Big Sister organization set up in my country.

But I don't know. I still think it was my fault.

He's willing to talk to me if I ask him, but he never really makes the first move - never about something personal though - more hobbies and interests. From my mom, I learned a certain amount of distrust towards everyone, and so I never really asked him. Maybe it could have been different if I asked him. Maybe it was my fault I wasn't able to talk to anyone about my issues. Maybe if I opened up a little, he could have opened up a little.

It's crazy. Trusting people where I am seems so much easier to everyone else. Why couldn't I do it?

[Kizzie]

Maybe he doesn't open up because it has proven painful in the past, perhaps in his own childhood he never learned how to do so or was smacked down emotionally?  Certainly from how you describe your M it doesn't sound like there is any encouragement from her to be open.   

[Phoebes]

Hi Decimal Rocket-
First of all, I think it's amazing how clear you are about this at a young age. Your having the ability to see, feel, live in reality is going to serve you very well, even as much as it unfortunately hurts. It pains me to hear a young man wanting and needing the relationship with a father who is not "seeing" him at all. It's painful because I relate. It makes me angry at your father for being so self-centered and superficial.

Just a little about mine- like you, my mom was the abuser and my dad the fun one who was rarely there, always leaving me wanting for the relationship. I was learning to read music and teaching myself piano, and he was a professional musician. However, when we WERE together, he never, and I mean NEVER, played with me or taught me. It was like music was HIS thing. And when I tried to show him what I was learning it was like he was not listening, changing subject, walking away. Never coming back to it. I felt like I was scraping for the scraps. I al 50 now and it is THE SAME!

When mom was doing her abusing, he would sneak off to his music room. Never once did he stick up for me. Never. Now that I am much older, No Contact with N-mom (they are divorced), I told my dad of how that came to be and some of this in-depth stuff I have researched and learned. Rather than understanding and listening, he focused on how he doesn't remember ANY of what I was saying. Since then, he has acted weird, distant and narcissistic himself. He doesn't listen and he certainly doesn't "See" me at all, still! I wished and prayed and hoped and worked hard to have "real" relationships with my parents my entire life (I'm 50 now), and guess what, neither of them have changed. I never blamed my dad as he was the "good guy" at a young age. But now I think he was playing it safe to save himself from conflict and responsibility. He wanted to be the kid having fun and just not deal.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this type of thing with your family. I know it hurts. I'm glad for you you are insightful and know what you need and feel. I'm learning to be the person I need for myself. Ideally, we can rely on our "tribe", our family that we instinctually "need", but unfortunately it is sometimes not the case, and we have to be what we need for ourself first, so we can potentially attract a healthy person some day (or not). I hope your dad is capable of coming around and seeing what you need. I truly do. But, if not, you are on the right track here, seeking this information and learning to be your own person. Sending you hugs and strength 

[Phoebes]

Sorry to ramble on..but one last thing..the gift giving..oh the gift giving. Yes, narcissistic gift giving. It's a thing!

[DecimalRocket]

It's alright to ramble on. I like things in depth. 

I don't really know what else to say, but thanks, Phoebes.

See you.