ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

thanks, deep blue.  i do the same with other friends of hers, he being one of them at one time.  that's why the internment of those children hit me so hard - all kids are my cubs in my heart.  i totally understand you being that way with your students.  i had a piece of that with the adolescent girls i worked with, too.

it feels better to let this go.  i just spoke out of anger, i know.  i think i have a lack of filter at times and things just burst out even if i don't mean them to.  i'm on the edge of the autism spectrum, which i didn't know before this year.  that may have something to do with things like this.  it's not the first time.  i also get shushed a lot in public cuz i don't always realize how loudly i'm speaking, especially about personal stuff.  gotta make more of a concerted effort with that, if it's possible.

more drama in the house today.  it won't end till i'm outta here.  4 days after today, and today's nearly done.  i can do this.  after all, i've got all of you with me.  strength in numbers and all that.  it's worked before, it'll always work.

[Deep Blue]

Hey San,
I wanted to respond several times yesterday... but there were no words.  I was in a bit of a triggered state and couldn't put sentences together to respond. I'm going to try now.

I think it's ok to have a lack of a filter here.  To me... the fact that you can speak candidly is such an inspiration to me.  Sorry for the house drama. Final countdown to move out day.

You are important to me. I just want you to know that 
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Dear San,
It's finally here! It's not long ago where you were counting down months and weeks. Now it's just a few more days, and then a few more hours.
You are finally getting out of that toxic environment! Away from people invading your personal space, making demands on how you keep you're room (you're not 10!). You'll be close to nature again, and I strongly believe nature heals. So close now!
Sending you warm and loving thoughts and hugs for you in these remaining days. Hang in there! We'll be cheering for you!

[Blueberry]

     san!

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, thank you.  you are important to me, too, and it felt really good to hear that.  those words, that sentiment, came thru loud and clear. 

sceal, somehow i know that you will, all of you.  i'm making it thru this roller coaster with your help.  it leaves me topsy turvy at times, but you all help keep me righted.

blueberry, you're a doll.  love the hugs, i know how heartfelt they are. 

packed all my cupboard food up today, as well as most of my papers.  3 days after today.  it still seems like a lifetime, yet it's coming so fast.  it's so hard for my d cuz she's got lots of issues going down with this move, including a future she was once counting on that will now never be.  she will be very messy for quite awhile, and i'm going to have to be ready for it.

the mr. (thank you, sceal) apologized, and we're friends again.  last nite the 3 of us had a sort of going-away party, laughed, laughed, and laughed some more.  very fun.  today he took me hiking in the woods, and we came to this ridge where there was a scene i didn't expect - a snow-capped mountain and a full moon.  i burst into tears at the beauty and the gratitude for him bringing me there.

then, of course, we got in a fight on the way home, and i'm off balance again.  he misinterprets things i say, and i say things that aren't necessary and the entire afternoon was spoiled.  it went south so fast it made my head spin.  so, once again i can't wait to go.  maybe i learned something about myself today, tho, and that was hard.

ok, we just talked about this, and he was actually reasonable, listened to me, and i apologized.  so, i think it's all good again, and it was really difficult to admit it to him, cuz he's pretty arrogant a lot of the time, but for whatever reason, he was really nice.  this feels much better.  we may spend the day together tomorrow, which would be great.

i'm glad i did so much packing today.  i can have a free day tomorrow.  maybe do something naughty but fun.  it would be a great way to end this, plus he's a good back-up if i need one.  he's offered a couple of times to come get me if my move doesn't work out, which i can only see happening if my d, god forbid, dies.  but, it's nice to know that i'd have someone here who wouldn't let me be homeless.

horrible to think of, but it's how i've lived most of my life.  always having someone in the background, willing to help me if i need it.  i think this must be a survival technique i've worked out for myself along the way.  didn't have my folks to watch my back, so i tried to make sure there was a man (taking the place of my dad?) somewhere who would help me if i needed it.

it's horrible to think this may be a manipulation, but that may be exactly what it is, if i'm completely honest.  maybe i'm kind of a horrible woman after all.  maybe i know, like i knew with my d's, that i couldn't take care of children on my own, that i can't take care of myself on my own.

yet, when i think back on my life, i have done exactly that.  sure, there may have been a man around to do the 'heavy lifting', so to speak, but i was usually taking care of him as well.  ok, i'm messed up when it comes to this.  i've lived a life of infinite complexities, sometimes not even knowing what i'm doing, lost and clueless.

but, somehow, i've always found my way thru, either by myself or with the help of someone else.  i guess i'm independently dependent on friends and lovers to get what i want or need.  but, i've done it up till now, by hook or crook, and i know i've never really tried to hurt anyone.  used them but not abused them.

wow, this feels pretty honest.  i don't know exactly what it might mean, if i've groomed people to be there for me or what.  that sounds like a pretty manipulative act - grooming.  i wonder if my mind knew the shortcomings of my brain all along, so helped me in the only way i could manage. 

i remember a trial separation (encouraged by that narc t) of me and my ex.  i told her i couldn't do it, she had us do it anyway.  i kept the girls with me, and by the second week, when they'd visit their father for the weekend, they were already telling him that i was going 'mental'.  and i was.  i felt like i was cracking up, was out of control emotionally, and had the hardest time holding myself together.

it was something i knew i wouldn't be able to do on an even plane, wouldn't be able to handle with aplomb.  i was a complete mess, more out of control than i think i've been before or since.   i'm not equipped mentally, for all my intelligence,  to be completely on my own.  yet, i've done it many times.

a paradox, for sure.  whew - this brought out some hard-core introspection.  i've never been confronted on this before, never delved deep into my psyche about it, never came up with these realizations.  didn't blueberry mention in another post that realizations are the doorway to great changes, something like that?  it sure would be nice.  i feel a bit clearer right now.  wow.

[Deep Blue]

"wow, this feels pretty honest.  i don't know exactly what it might mean, if i've groomed people to be there for me or what.  that sounds like a pretty manipulative act - grooming.  i wonder if my mind knew the shortcomings of my brain all along, so helped me in the only way i could manage." 

This was honest and heartfelt.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about it though.   Maybe grooming is the wrong word??? To me, grooming has an intent to harm the person later.  You my dear, are loving and gentle.  I doubt you would hurt a fly let alone another human being. 
Much love 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, deep blue for your vote of confidence.  maybe grooming is the wrong word, but if not, it's not with the intent to hurt someone.  like, grooming a horse, perhaps?  grooming someone for a business position?  the intent is to help me, not hurt them.  and i would stop if they're distressed at all.

unfortunately, i'm quite the fly murderer.  in mexico, they were everywhere, and since i had to spend a lot of time in the house, and if someone left the door open, we'd be overrun and i'd go on hunting expeditions.  i could be pretty ruthless.

looks like another walk in the woods won't be happening - saw him this morning, he's really sore.  but, i'll enjoy this day, start gathering clothes and packing them.  ll noticed that my food cupboard is now bare - i think that shocked her into the reality of what's happening.

with me going, there is the question now of whether she'll have enough money to keep the house.  her renters are what paid the mortgage.  we'll see, i guess, altho it will have no immediate bearing on me.  she's pretty testy, tho, quite irritable.  that's a lot of weight to be carrying around.  then again, it's a lot of house to own for one person.  not my problem anymore.

time to eat, take a snooze.  i kind of don't want to sleep, want to be up for any adventure that might come along while i'm still here.  probably the only adventure will be putting clothes in suitcases.  lol.

still, this is where i've hung my hat for over a year.  what will be hardest is not having the computer for several days.  i'll be taking it down tomorrow, won't have access to wi-fi till mon. or tues., and it'll be awful to be away from here for that long.  still, there it is.

[Blueberry]

Time flies. You've been there a year already?? Wow.
Sending      to pack in your suitcase till you're back online. Hope the move all goes to plan!

[sanmagic7]

and i will carry them carefully because they mean that much to me - precious cargo.  thanks, blueberry.  that was so cool.

[Deep Blue]

San,
I was looking at stuff on my phone today and came across this.  I thought of you immediately! It's a painting on the feather of a Raven.  Very cool. 

[sanmagic7]

that is GORGEOUS!  thank you deep blue.  i'm packing this with the rest of everything and everybody here.  wow.  what a gift!  amazing!

[Sceal]

Just wanted to drop by and wish you a safe and good journey to your new home. And that you'll be so busy settling in and having a good time with your D and figuring out the neighbourhood and taking walks in the forest or towards the water that you wont need this forum before your internet and computer is set up again.
You are awesome! It's one more day, and a new beginning. 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, that awesomeness is inherent in you as well,   thank you so much, my dear friend. 

took my last walk around this town this morning, was greeted by a gigantic full moon, so beautiful, and i knew in my heart that all's good.  it will be interesting discovering what our new neighborhood is all about.

lots to do today, all the last minute stuff.  chatted with the mr. yesterday (thank you, sceal), and in the midst of it he tole me to stay one more time.  there will definitely be a different energy here when i'm gone.

i have to admit there's a little sadness.  didn't expect to become connected to these people, and have certainly had some great laughs together.  fun adventures, too.  so, i'll miss those parts.

the rest of it, not so much. 

it'll be interesting to see how well my d and i get along living together now.  that hasn't happened since she was 17 and i moved out.  30 yrs. ago.  we've both grown and changed, and are fiercely strong, independent women.  but, we're also able to talk things out, get to resolution, so that's a big plus for us.  i think we've also learned a lot about each other personally, which i think will help.

plus, there's so much space in this place, we're not going to feel like we're crammed together.  our own bathrooms, too - also a helpful thing.

it'll be an adventure of grand proportions.  thank you all for all your support and well wishes.  love and hugs all around.

[Elphanigh]

Sending the best wishes for this new adventure!  I am here with you through all of it even if I am not responding

[sanmagic7]

i know you are, el, right by my side, always.  lovelovelove