ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Shankara]

Dear San, which old comedies Do you watch? 

[sanmagic7]

  back to you, shankara.

a lot of old sitcoms, gentle humor.  family ties, will and grace, the nanny, wings, parks and rec, murphy brown, king of queens are currently big for me.  shows of that ilk.  i've done friends, seinfeld, golden girls in the past.  at the moment, shows like all in the family and roseanne are a bit too harsh for me, too intense at times. 

at times i'll enjoy stand-up, but so much of it is political now, and i'm not enjoying that.   

i also love old black and white movies.  love the actors, the staging, how the stories were presented before cg effects. 

nothing where i have to think too much, but where it can mostly just wash over me in an enjoyable way.  it's soothing and calming for me right now.  i do have several present-day shows that i watch, but, they, too, are more on the gentle side - even the action/adventure ones.

i also like british sticoms, such as fawlty towers, ab fab (those women make me laugh out loud), are you being served? and such.  miranda, cuz she's so self-deprecating in a loving way. 

that's kind of an all-encompassing idea of what helps me relax.

i've got more to write about me, but it'll have to wait for later.

[sanmagic7]

i've been wrestling with some sex stuff lately as a way to try to let someone know he's desirable, try to build up his self-esteem.  should i?  shouldn't i?  the other day it dawned on me like a bolt out of the blue that this man was basically at a point in his self-esteem where my ex was, and how i tried to make my ex a happy person for nearly 20 yrs.  it didn't work.

so, much to my horror, when i realized i was trying to do the same thing with this guy, i mentally smacked myself into reality.  if it didn't work then, it wouldn't work now.  besides, it wasn't my job.  it was also connected to getting some help with moving, which would basically mean prostituting myself.  i decided i don't want to do that.

this took a week of agonizing over it, and last nite i just thought about how much time i spent using energy on it.  i amaze myself sometimes.  i knew i needed to write about this just to get it out of me, see how it looks in black and white.  it looks pretty bad.

so, with a roiling belly, i will put that thought aside, knowing it's the right thing to do even while i've entertained such a thought.  another part of this was the idea that i would like to have sex again before i die.  because of my hub's fears after his hip replacement surgery, and the fact that he would never talk to a doc about them, he basically ended up denying me for the past 10 yrs.  it was horrible lying next to the man i loved, wanting him, and he refused to do anything about it.  his fear eventually dried him up.

another thing i'm grieving.

i've put myself into crying therapy lately.  in the past, thru different types of massage, i put myself thru horrendous pain in order to cry, get the poison out of my system.  when i allowed myself to do so, i could feel the difference both physically and emotionally.   so, in the past few months, i've been allowing myself to let 'er rip when i feel the tears coming while i'm watching tv in my room.   i've noticed that there's been less pain in my back afterwards.

it's emotionally draining, and i'm very tired today, but i do believe my back has been a receptor for my emotional pain, and even when i don't know exactly why i'm crying (sad? grieving? beauty?), it's the tears that are cleansing in themselves, drawing out poisons from my muscles, which gives my muscles a bit of relief.  i'm just realizing this in the past day or 2, but i do believe i want to continue doing this.  so far, i think it's helping.

it's also emotionally painful to go thru this, but that's how it is with any therapy.  since i don't have access to a t, i have to find my own way, and not shrink from it.  so, i'm pushing myself to do this, go thru it, let it out and not bother with scurrying around in my mind to find out what i'm crying about.  seems that the reason itself doesn't matter - it's the action that's making a difference.

and, that's different for me.  i've always been hot on finding out the 'why' of something, the connection, so to let that go and simply accept the release of tears in their own right is a stretch.  still, i'm seeing its worth, and i have to be ok with that.

all right, exhausted now.  time to eat and sleep.  just wanted to get this all down and out of me once again.

[Hope67]

it's emotionally draining, and i'm very tired today, but i do believe my back has been a receptor for my emotional pain, and even when i don't know exactly why i'm crying (sad? grieving? beauty?), it's the tears that are cleansing in themselves, drawing out poisons from my muscles, which gives my muscles a bit of relief.  i'm just realizing this in the past day or 2, but i do believe i want to continue doing this.  so far, i think it's helping.

it's also emotionally painful to go thru this, but that's how it is with any therapy.  since i don't have access to a t, i have to find my own way, and not shrink from it.  so, i'm pushing myself to do this, go thru it, let it out and not bother with scurrying around in my mind to find out what i'm crying about.  seems that the reason itself doesn't matter - it's the action that's making a difference.

Hi SanMagic,
to you and your strength to do this emotionally painful stuff - glad that it is helping.  You are brave - I think so. 
Crying those salty tears will hopefully take some stuff away and bring you some relief.
Hope 

[Sceal]

I can hear that you've got a lot of things on your mind these days. And a lot of grief to process.
I think it is wonderful that you are able to give yourself time and room to cry it out, even if you don't know what's causing you to cry.

You're doing a wonderful, and hard job getting through all the difficulties. And you're soon going to move out and into a new everyday-life with your d. That on top of everything else, it's not strange that you're tired.
How is it going without sugar? I didn't last, but I'm cheering for you

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate San with releasing my emotions like this. When I feel emotional pain at flashbacks, it's terrible. When I release the emotional pain, for some reason my head and muscles ache from the release of being tense all the time. Probably why I haven't been as active around this forum as lately.

Anyway San, take care of yourself, and I'm glad you have found strength in comedy. Hope you can laugh some of the pain away. They say laughter is the best medicine. Wonder how it'd attest to that? But if you can't, that's fine too. Grieving properly is a sign of emotional strength, the courage to face emotions we've suppressed for years, and feel them.

[sanmagic7]

hope, sceal, and d.r., i have just enough strength/energy to thank you all.  your support, the support of this forum helps me continue on.

i'm still off the sugar, sceal, thanks for asking.  it's getting easier as i get more days under my belt, even tho i still get cravings.

gotta go.  too many emotions lately, lots of tears, i'm worn out today.  love to everyone.

[Elphanigh]

Wanted to send my love, and hugs dear  Remember as you rest and feel all of it that EMS is with you. She can hold onto some of those emotions to help the burden. You are doing so much right now, I commend you for that but remember to be kind to yourself. 

As far as the sex thing, I am glad you decided to not sleep with him for those reasons. I did recently decide to sleep with a man for the wrong reasons, it was okay but it definitely just felt off in the following days. Nothing bad but enough that I didn't feel good about the decision. So I am glad you are wiser than me in that.

However, I understand your want to enjoy sex in this lifetime still. That is such a part of human nature, and I am sorry you were denied that for so long.

I wish I had more words, but know that you are in my thoughts 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, el, for your kindness and understanding.  you're right about sex for the wrong reason rarely leaves us feeling good about it.  i was spared that night cuz he was drunk, and i don't do drunk anymore.

last nite i made a breakthrough in my crying therapy, but i'm tired right now, so will explain more later.  it was immense, however, and gave me the validation that i was on the right track with this.  all i can say right now is 'wow'.

[Hope67]

last nite i made a breakthrough in my crying therapy, but i'm tired right now, so will explain more later.  it was immense, however, and gave me the validation that i was on the right track with this.  all i can say right now is 'wow'.

This sounds exciting, SanMagic - really glad for you!    to you.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope, very much.

i wanted to write about that breakthru before i wind down and am too tired to respond .

the other nite, watching an episode of 'murphy brown', where she's pregnant and a friend is with her for the sonagram and gets all excited, i began crying.  as i've been doing, i let the tears come, let the sobs start, pushed myself to just let it out as it would.  i'd noticed a few nites before there had been flashes of images/thoughts that might be connected to those tears, but i didn't work very hard this time to attempt to capture them.  i just let them flash and leave while i cried.

this time, however, something happened which was very different than before.  suddenly, i saw myself being pregnant and felt, for the first time ever (and this happened over 35 yrs. ago) the hurt, how hurt i was that my hub was not excited, did not want to have anything to do with helping me by going to birthing classes or reading the books i'd brought him, never gave me a word of encouragement in the delivery room (he was behind me against the wall trying to stay as far away as possible), and i finally felt the hurt, was able to acknowledge how much that hurt, his indifference.

i was doubled over with sobbing out loud as i realized how badly i had been hurt.  it was the first time it came to my consciousness.  at the time it happened, i was completely involved in surviving his indifference, knowing that i had no partner as i'd wanted and expected, there was no team mentality, and i was on my own once again even tho he was right there.

it flashed thru my mind that if there had been physical abuse, i'd have been much better able to recognize and deal with that.  the indifference was much more hurtful to me.  and i continued sobbing, feeling the hurt for the first time, and it was incredibly overwhelming.  i nearly swooned, doubled over, my head nearly touching the floor.  it swept over me like a tidal wave.

then, my first pregnancy and first hub flashed thru my mind, and, again, how hurt i was by how he treated me as i continued thru the pregnancy, got to 7 1/2 months when he told me he didn't want to be married anymore.  more indifference to my plight, my vulnerability, how would i be able to make it, how could i stay living with a man who said those words and was having an affair with a woman who had been my friend - my worst fear was that my hub would be with another woman while i was having his baby, and it was coming true - and i was again on my own, and that really hurt.

this all came to the surface without me searching for it.  i'd never recognized, really, being hurt before, never really felt it.  it was new and different, not painful like i'd felt pain before.  this was much deeper, had more depth to it, more substance than pain.  there was nothing sharp about it.  it was black and oppressive, dull and went thru my gut, my vitals, my essence.  it was beyond physical.

so, i believe my crying therapy is the right way for me to go, and i will continue.  on one level i dread it, but it's getting to the deepest, darkest, most primal parts of my wounding which i never knew existed.  it's an eye opener at the same time it's grinding me down to places i didn't know about, ever.  i never realized how much those men had hurt me at such a visceral level, and certainly never felt it before.  that was all new.

ok, i'm exhausted. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for writing out that insight. It helps me picture some of what my S must be going through with her partner leaving her part way through her pregnancy. I am so sorry for all the hurt these men caused you, no one deserves that. You are very strong to have kept going and worked so hard for both of your children. I cannot imagine doing that in the first place, let alone in such indifferent environments.

Your crying sounds very powerful, and I am glad you are finally able to get all of this junk out. That is so important.

I am sending you hugs and comfort  You can join me on the porch. I have a warm blanket of healing and peace, along with any form of tea or warm drink that might help heal your hurt. You can rest safely there to gather your energy. This is all huge, no wonder you are exhausted.

Love you always,
Elpha

[sanmagic7]

the healing porch sounds just right, el.  thanks.  i'll join you there.

dang, if it isn't one thing it's another.  last nite i got so mad at how my ll was treating her son, talking to him (he also lives here, and we've become pretty good pals) that i said some things that i probably shouldn't have, and eventually left before i really tore into her. 

and talked to my d last nite, and her trauma around this move, everything that led up to it, all the emotions of what's happened to her, all came out.  she finally admitted she's been devastated, is just putting one foot in front of the other to keep going even tho it was not her choice.  my mother's heart broke for her.  she's been thru so much.

so, i've been quite messy since last nite, couldn't sleep, feel like crap today.  more emotional exhaustion.  my hub is struggling, too, and i wrote him that i wish there was more i could do for the 2 people i love most in the world besides offer support,  i want to fix it for them.  i can't stand seeing them in such pain and suffering.

he wrote back, generously and kindly, made me cry.  beautiful words for my heart.  i can't wait till this move is over - i know the uncertainty of it all is wreaking havoc with my d's anxiety, and i'm working hard to stay strong for her.  back to the healing porch for me.  i'm done for today.  i wish i could do more for everyone here as well, but i know i can only do what i can and have to set priorities.  sucks, tho.

[Elphanigh]

You are doing so much, dear friend. Take the much needed time to rest for yourself on the porch, you deserve it. We will all be with you through this process and never expect anything from you, I promise 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, dear el.  i'm on the porch for the rest of the day.  love and hugs to all.