ch. 4 -- around the next corner

Started by sanmagic7, March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM

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sanmagic7

thank you my darling sceal for that validation.  it does feel big to me, for whatever reason.  i so appreciate your saying that.  i said 'thank you, sceal' out loud when i read what you wrote.  you are so wonderful.    and thanks for the re-emphasis on me keeping my distance.  that helps strengthen my resolve.  love you, sweetie.  you are precious to me.  it felt so good to read what you wrote.

less than 2 weeks and i'm outta here.  it's going to be so different, in such a positive way.  i can feel it. 

as i was walking this morning, i found a black feather.  beautiful.  my spirit bird is raven, and crows are kissing cousins.  it used to be that when i'd be out, thinking of one thing or another, and i found a feather, i knew that i was on the right path.  this morning, i was thinking about staying away from him, and about moving, when the feather was there.  i hadn't seen it on my first pass, but it was there on the way back.

i know that this move is life-changing in some way.  i think the fact that we're going to be close to both a forest and the ocean is going to be soothing and calming for me (as well as my d), and it will help my stress levels diminish just for the location.  not being around toxic people will be huge as well.  i believe i'm more stressed about all this than i want to believe.     it's been a very long year.   you all have helped me thru it.  thank you for that.

sanmagic7

the little irritants here are now getting under my skin.  people can barely walk past each other without some kind of jab.  i got jabbbed by my ll the other day, she and her son jabbed each other in passing just yesterday while i was in the room.  8 more days.  gotta play this game for just that long and i'm done.

while i was here and sick, i really stayed to myself and no one bothered me.  as soon as i began feeling better, started interacting on a more social level,  this junk began raising its ugly head, and true personalities came out in full force.  not nice ones, either.  i've never gotten the knack of living with others in negativity, and it doesn't feel good to see/feel it going on around me.

so, beginning the last minute touches on getting ready.  i've got phone calls to make, lists, and organization in my head in order to put on the final touches to everything.  it seems rather strange - i've lived here over a year - but now that it's near the end, i can't get out of here soon enough.

it was good for most of the time for my healing, getting better, doc visits, etc.  i know it was the place i needed to be, so i'm grateful for that.  but, my o my, how quickly things change.  the urgency is upon me. 

enough venting.  for today.  i don't doubt there will be more tomorrow.  there's a delightful thought - not!

Deep Blue

San,
If you were comfortable living with negativity, I think you would be an anomaly.

I think you are doing an amazing job.  You have the big picture in mind and that's so inspiring.  Much love and strength to you in the upcoming days.  If the drama from them goes on overdrive... vent all you need to.
:grouphug:

Snookiebookie

Hey there

Keep your chin up. Only a few days left.  Sending you hugs  :hug:

Elphanigh

Sending lots of love and positivity your way. Remember I am here even if I am not physically responding. Ems is also there to give you all the strength you need to deal with you last few weeks there, and to coordinate all of the new stuff. I understand just how that feels.

I wish I had more energy to give, but know I am here with you. I do truly care for and love you. All the best my dear  :hug:


sanmagic7

deep blue, snook, el, sceal - your hugs, love, and well wishes mean the world to me.  thank you all so very much.

i find it interesting, especially reading el's response about ems, how easily it slips from my mind at the times i need it most.   it's why i so appreciate people responding, validating, offering that caring and kindness, cuz the more i read it, the more i realize that i have a hard time generating all that for myself.

it's like, i get caught up in the day to day of all this, and while wallowing, all you good people slip my consciousness.  i don't know why that happens.  yet, once i read these responses, it's like i slap my forehead and go 'of course'!!!  why don't i remember this?!!!

irl, i also have a difficult time feeling like i'm still real, still in the relationship with others if i don't get constant verification about it from them.  i noticed that with my d (altho that's finally settling down as i've become more sure of being in her life - well, duh, we're gonna be living in the same house!), while the fling was going on, even with my housemate w/ whom i'm establishing a friendship beyond just living together. 

it was rampant with 'the mr.' (thank you, sceal), and i found it happening with my hm just this morning because i didn't get a response to an email i sent her.  i went all over the place in my head - what did i say wrong, is she for real, screw it, i'll just ignore it and go about my life, i'm getting out of here next week.  it's like i don't feel worthy of having someone want to be with me.

o dear, this has never taken word form before for me.  not exactly in this way.  i would feel like if i wasn't with a person, i was invisible, that i had to be present with them in order to feel real.  but this feels like it's gone to another level, this self-worth part.  another feeling that i had never truly felt before.

geez louise, i hate this crap.  hate feeling like this.  hate having these new revelations that feel so neg.  which i'd never felt about myself before.  i read here about most everyone feeling like they're crap, and i can't relate cuz i've never felt that way about myself before.  but, here it is, it's pushing thru, one more painful nudge off my pedestal.  dang, what a realization.  i don't like feeling neg. about myself and knowing that i do.  i just think i didn't know it before - it was buried under survival mechanisms.

so, at my age, it's seeping out.  it wants looking at as a reality of mine that wasn't there before.  dang.  it's all your fault - all of you!  you're helping me heal!  it's just that my healing means i need to feel all the negs. i never felt before, all the negs. the rest of you have been dealing with forever.  now you get to feel better about yourself, while i get to feel worse.

ok, just a little rant.  i know this is a good thing, but it feels like dog doodoo.  i don't like feeling bad about myself.   now i feel ashamed that i wrote all that, thought it, felt it, and i'm not used to feeling ashamed about myself either.  chinga la madre!!!  i needed to swear, so i did it in spanish.  felt good to let that out. 

ever onward.  healing and recovery is a stony path at times.  just gotta keep hardening the bottom of my feet so it doesn't hurt as much while i keep walking this trail.  i won't stop, tho.  i won't back down (thank you tom petty).  i know that eventually it will balance out, and i'll feel ok about me on most every level, not above and not below the rest of everyone.  that's the key.

Blueberry


sanmagic7

blueberry, thank you.  that was exactly what i needed.

i fought long and hard with myself about what i'd written, so very ashamed of having written it, of having those kinds of thoughts in the first place.  horrible feeling.  several times i was going to come back here and delete it, then thought, that's what this place is for, to let the warts show, too.  ugh,

but your hugs, blueberry, that acceptance, thank you.  i'm a mess today, am off the news again, it all made me sick, i feel cruddy about the world, want to hide but can't get away from it, it's everywhere.  i'm scared, something i've never felt in my life, scared of what might happen to me and my d, scared we won't be able to sustain ourselves, scared of just being alive and what could happen because i am.

i've gotta go to the porch.  it's all overwhelming me.  it's just too much right now.

Deep Blue

San,
It's a mess. I'm in the states too. I must have seen the same article as you about meds. It makes me sick.
:hug: :hug:
Sending you the compassion that I think we both need right now  :hug:

sanmagic7

thank you so, deep blue.  it's beyond horrible - like what the nazis did.  holding your hand, sharing that compassion.  i really appreciate it.

not much better today, but a little.  still, i'm done with knowing what's going on.  if i know this, then i know everything, and it's too horrible to contemplate.  there can't be anything worse - ssdd (same *, different day).  too much hate for me to deal with now.  this brought it home to me like nothing ever has.

one week and i'm outta here.  i'm nearly all packed,  just clothes, bathroom stuff, and desk stuff.  plus, of course, my computer.  i'll hate being without it, will not be able to be here for a few days.  i don't like losing the connection to everyone here, but i'll be thinking of everyone. 

so, one more week, and the tension should lift, i'll hopefully feel freer, lighter, happier.  i'm really looking forward to this.

had a chat w/ my ll yesterday - she's had a terrible childhood, adulthood, as well, and it was the first time she mentioned having gone to counseling for ptsd.  i told her it was c-ptsd.  she related some of her horrors, some of which i'd known before.  i feel bad for her, always have, but some of her personality is just too difficult to deal with.  it's too bad.  she's not a bad person, wounded and all that, but some of her stuff is too much to take.  so, i'll be glad to be leaving her and the tension she brings with her all behind,.

just gonna get thru one more day. 

sanmagic7

not a good day today.  tension with my d as i told her something she didn't want to hear yesterday.  i sent an email apologizing, and haven't heard from her.  i want to call, but something tells me she needs a bit of space with this.  luckily, we've been able to talk thru our differences, and i'm counting on that being the case this time as well.

tension in the house again last night.  i believe my ll is very jealous that i've made friends with another of the housemates, we have raucous fun together, and she was not invited to our party (we were watching a fun, silly movie) last nite.  she ended up barking about all the noise we were making, after barging her way into my room several times attempting to show that she can be fun, too.

she can't.  she's already said she doesn't laugh much, and she doesn't watch comedies.  she has a tendency, when the rest of us have been laughing and having a good time, to literally join in the conversation in such a neg. way that the laughter dies and cannot be restored.

and i just found out that my ex sister-in-law, a very sweet soul, died yesterday.  the world has lost one of the good ones.

5 more days after today.  god, give me strength. 

Deep Blue

San,
You are dealing with so much all at the same time.  I wish I could help slow the world down for you a little.   :hug:  This hug is filled with all the wisdom, love and strength you have shown me.  :hug:



sanmagic7

deep blue, that is so sweet and desperately needed.  thank you so much.

a little better today.  i'm very tired, have been eating badly.  i'm so looking forward to being out of here.  there are always jabs flying in this place.  judgments.  negativity.  i can't get out too soon.

talked to my d yesterday.  basically, her business partner, who from my perspective has been riding her coattails ever since they got the business started, is also her ex, and he has hurt her badly, continues to hurt her this entire year.  she had hopes and dreams built around him, and to my mind, he led her on to continue believing there was hope for the two of them.

he squashed that in no uncertain terms on new year's, and has been hurting her ever since.  i think he's one of the most selfish people i've ever met, just from his expectations of her to hang around while he's off now with someone else.  she's the kind of person who doesn't like to give up on  a relationship until she's pursued every avenue.

i've been the same, so i understand.  however, i've had more life experience, can see this guy differently, and my mama bear just wants him out of her life completely.  there's other things that have gone on that have made me so very adamant about this, but she's in the excusing stage yet, still loves to hang out with him, still wants to keep him as a friend and partner.

ugh.  so, i'll have to backpedal on this one.  i don't want him around, but her life is not my life, and i have to let her find her own way.  it's killing me to see her getting stabbed in the heart over and over, but it's necessary, i can see now, to keep my own counsel about this.  i don't like him anymore, tho, personally, don't want to be around him, altho he's helping us with the move.  so i'll be polite, play that game, and hopefully won't have to see him again after fri.  that's the best i can hope for until her own stuff with him gets resolved.

it's never simple.  that's what drives me up the wall.  i will keep your thoughts and wishes in mind, deep blue.  i really appreciate them.  thanks again.

Deep Blue

Im glad your day is a bit better. 

I sympathize with that mama bear side.  I feel that way not only with my own son, but many of my students.  I carry their hearts in a way.  I carry your heart with me too San.

Sending you more love... cuz you can never have too much love
:bighug: