ch. 4 -- around the next corner

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sanmagic7

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #210 on: July 10, 2018, 04:47:23 AM »
thanks, deep blue, and i'll have you with me in the room.   that's so very cool.

am feeling better today, thinking of taking a short walk this morning.  my d and i are attempting to get back into some sort of healthy and comfy routine, but all that it takes to move into a place keeps interfering.  we're having a walk-thru with someone from the rental agency tomorrow - i don't think the owner wants to deal with tenants at all except to have their money roll in - and we do have some concerns that we'd like addressed.  fingers crossed on that.

we may have our first visitor this sat., my former housemate, and that's pretty exciting.  she's very fun, laughs out loud (a favorite of mine), and is very intelligent.  plus, we're able to talk addiction recovery, which is good for both of us.  lots of 'wins' with this one.  i'm looking forward to seeing her.

it feels like things are just beginning to even out here.  my d and i are getting along well, we love this house, and unfortunately for everyone sweltering in the heat, the temp here is very pleasantly lovely.  the ocean and the forest behind us really keeps things cooled down, which suits me perfectly.  i can easily live in perpetual spring.

so, deep breath, in, out, and relax.  where we are is extremely conducive to that, for which i'm thankful.  no traffic, surrounded by nature, wonderful neighbors on a short dead end street.  it's truly peaceful.   

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sanmagic7

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #211 on: July 13, 2018, 02:48:38 AM »
nightmare tonite.  another one similar to what i've been struggling with lately.  someone trying to kill me, and i'm doing my best to fend him off by myself, can't get anyone to help me, but i'm losing the battle.  i woke up breathing so hard, like i'd just run 3 miles.

these have been happening over about the past 6-8 mos.  i'm trying to save someone, often kids (mine or others), struggling cuz i'm not getting help - some of this seems evident that it's about my ex and raising my daughters.  maybe some residual anger there.  well, ok, i'm now living with my d, she's still having a relationship with him, even had him come out here to see our new place a few weeks ago and didn't tell me.  i found out thru the neighbor.

this morning, it was me trying to save me from some terrorists, and other men i knew were around every so often, but weren't helping me, and as one of the bad guys got my foot (they are always grabbing me by the foot, dragging me toward my doom), i was struggling hard but not able to get away, and it became evident to me in the dream that i was going to die.  i woke up, breathing hard, knew that if i closed my eyes the dream would continue, and had to put a light on cuz i was feeling very frightened.

normally, i feel very safe in this house.  the only scary thing i'm facing right now is starting up my workshops.  i wonder if that has anything to do with it.

at any rate, that's why i'm up.  i hope to be able to go back to sleep eventually.  we'll see.  i hate these things.

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Hope67

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #212 on: July 13, 2018, 03:24:28 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
I wonder if it's because your d allowed your ex to come into the house without your knowledge that is making you feel unsafe.  I think I would feel very uncomfortable and unsafe too - in such circumstance.  I can appreciate that she might want her F to visit, but really - she should (in my opinion) have discussed it with you - and if you weren't comfortable then maybe she should have met him on neutral territory.  Often a home is a 'kingdom' or a 'sanctuary' (in my view) and so those boundaries are so important.

Just wanted to send you a big hug, SanMagic, and hope that you are ok today - and that you get some better sleep - but maybe if you had some boundaries in place - through discussion with your d- maybe that might help you feel safe again.   :hug:

I saw what you wrote on the Porch about the Raspberry muffins - I am salivating already at the thought of such a lovely muffin!  I would like to share one with you! 

Hope  :)

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Deep Blue

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #213 on: July 13, 2018, 07:24:11 AM »
 :bighug: to San,
Those nightmares can really take it out of us. The rebuilding and healing part of sleep seems to elude us when they show up.

Sending you a heated blanket and  :hug: filled with understanding

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Blueberry

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #214 on: July 13, 2018, 02:06:39 PM »
  well, ok, i'm now living with my d, she's still having a relationship with him, even had him come out here to see our new place a few weeks ago and didn't tell me.  i found out thru the neighbor.

Ouch. I wonder too like Hope if that's making you feel unsafe.

I note how many changes going on for you atm and also all those plans. I'm not surprised your dreams are a little wild. I hope you can find a suitable nightmare-warding off blanket over on the Porch.  :bighug: :bighug:

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Sceal

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #215 on: July 14, 2018, 02:02:05 AM »
 :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #216 on: July 14, 2018, 05:00:53 AM »
hope, i think you hit that nail on the head.  thank you very much for that.  i didn't put it together for myself, but once i read what you wrote, it made total sense.  there was another incident as well, money from her father, that she only mentioned in passing that she'd gotten a 'gift', but didn't tell me anything else.

so, i confronted her yesterday, we hashed it all out, she apologized to me about keeping it a secret.  i thanked her for that.  this is new territory for both of us - we've both had roommates before, but right now our money and lives are completely intertwined, and i told her i think we have to be more open about things that concern the both of us.  she agreed, just said she's learning how to be in this relationship.

she's also very uncomfy cuz she knows what i think of her father, and it's an awkward position for her.   i get that.  i've also told her that i've mellowed on it, especially so as to make her more comfy talking about him to me.  it's up to me to let that part go for her sake.  i don't want her in the middle of he and i.   that's not fair, either.  she's worked hard on all this stuff, especially to keep family ties.  she couldn't do it with her sis, but she set up some major boundaries now with her father, and i can only let her know i respect that.

blueberry, thank you for the validation on that, too.  unfortunately, i don't always see this stuff, but having you and hope in agreement on that point helped me formulate a cognition and realization about how that might have affected me, which i was unaware of.  you people, this place, has been such a blessing for me in helping me recognize these kinds of things that i don't always comprehend on my own.  i always appreciate such honest feedback cuz i can't always get to where i need to go by myself.

deep blue, i spent most of yesterday, and will be there again today, on the porch.  that blanket sounds remarkably like just what i need, and i did get a lot of understanding, which was necessary for me to be able to talk with my d about the whole thing.  thank you for that suggestion, and the hugs.   always so appreciated.

sceal, thank you for the hugs.  i'm needing them right now.  i also got called out by my d the other day about something i do - poke at peoples' foibles, make a point of showing them where they might be wrong, even if i've done it in the past, i'll repeat it several times.  the mr. actually called me on the very same thing a few weeks ago, so when she said it, i really sat up and took notice.

i've learned a little guideline along the way - if one person says something about me, i can take that with a grain of salt, but if it's repeated by at least one other person, i need to pay attention, examine it,  analyze it for its reality, and do something about it if it's a trait that needs changing (i feel like i'm in an eternity of therapy, even without a t - always questioning).  so, i'm trying to find an explanation for this behavior.

i think it might have something to do with having to prove myself on many, many levels.  this has been a recurring theme throughout my life.  i'll pick at people, even cut them down, as a way to feel like i'm knowledgeable, but also as a way to possibly make them know that i'm superior?  ugh - that hit me in my gut, and i hated writing it, but i think there's a truism hiding in there that has become so automatic, i don't really know when i'm doing it anymore.

yucky to learn about myself like this.  now that i'm more aware, i'm hoping i'll be more aware, and keep my mouth shut before i say stuff like that in the future.  it just reinforces my own sense of  how low my self-esteem still is.  i don't like knowing that.

time for the porch. 

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Elphanigh

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #217 on: July 14, 2018, 06:21:01 AM »
Those are some big realizations but you are doing so well with them. I am always in awe of your ability to learn and grow  :hug: I hope the porch is exactly what you need today, I will be hanging out there as well, just trying to get some more rest in. Sending lots of love  :hug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #218 on: July 14, 2018, 11:27:46 AM »
Those are some big realizations but you are doing so well with them. I am always in awe of your ability to learn and grow  :hug: I hope the porch is exactly what you need today, I will be hanging out there as well, just trying to get some more rest in. Sending lots of love  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

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Sceal

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #219 on: July 15, 2018, 01:05:59 AM »
Quote
i've learned a little guideline along the way - if one person says something about me, i can take that with a grain of salt, but if it's repeated by at least one other person, i need to pay attention, examine it,  analyze it for its reality, and do something about it if it's a trait that needs changing (i feel like i'm in an eternity of therapy, even without a t - always questioning).  so, i'm trying to find an explanation for this behavior.

When reading this a thought struck me. Perhaps it's not so much therapy as it is personal growth. Is it possible that for those of us in the world who has had so much therapy that working on our flaws, analyzing our behaviour it at some point becomes something we see as a thing we should do in order to become better. The question is, better for what? Better mental health? - Awesome. But better by social standard - maybe that's really not needed. Maybe in that context we are good enough as we are.

Showing people where they might be wrong, well - honey, there is nothing wrong with that if it's given in a constructive and loving manner - and at a time where the other person is receptive to a second opinion. He or she might not have the same view points as you and thus might end up disregarding your belief of them being wrong in something. But the moment we stop analyzing, stop questioning, stop seeing things from various viewpoints is the same moment we stop growing as people. (although, taking breaks are more than okay. We need them. )

Just some thoughts, feel free to ignore them if now's not the time.
Otherwise I want to say, finding out what works and doesn't work for you and your d, will probably take some time. You both have to set boundaries of what's okay, and you both have to compromise. It will probably be some disagreements along the way - but as long as you're both able and willing to keep an open line of communications, I think it will turn out alright and awesome for you both.

I hope the workshops you're working on will be awesome, and that you'll have fun, meet new interessting people and that you get that extra income to help you pay for the things you need. Medical bills and food, and hopefully somewhere down the line - you can be able to buy something special and unique for yourself without having to worry about the bills.  :hug:

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kdke

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #220 on: July 16, 2018, 01:31:35 PM »
San, I really admire how you're willing to look at yourself and face realities that are very difficult to acknowledge. It really causes me to feel a wave of positive yet powerful emotion because it's such a gift to both do it and watch it. I relate to how painful it can be to accept parts of ourselves that are perhaps self-serving, but it's a power to know how to do it and make something good out of that awareness at all!

I agree with Sceal in regards to therapy progressing forwards as personal growth. After all, I've come to understand therapy as a resource to teach the client self-sufficiency. A therapist gives us the tools and then teaches us how to use them so we can have that initiative and know-how outside of sessions. Eventually, it just becomes second nature, a skill that we can lean on and build.  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #221 on: July 20, 2018, 08:14:08 AM »
el, deep blue, sceal, and kdke, thank you.  i want to respond more, but later.  almost time for me to go down.

my next bit of news is that the mr. (thank you, sceal) has come back into my life.  i'm proceeding cautiously.  new circumstances now that we're not living in the same house anymore.  new dynamic.  he's been kinder, gentler, wants to try again.  we've been talking on the phone, he'll be out here in 2 weeks with friends, then take me to dinner for some face-to-face chatting.  we'll see.

my d asked me why i'd want to be with him, i told her he's smart, challenging, stimulating, and makes me laugh.  he's also made it clear to me that i can call him anytime for any reason, which feels supportive.  we've got a lot to talk about, a lot to straighten out, a lot to explore before we see if this is gonna go anywhere.  this has been another dream of mine - a male friend.  i've thought i'd had that with my hubs, but they all puked that away in one way or another.

we're a long way from that, but i'm always optimistic (sometimes to a fault, i know).  still, the few times we've talked now, i've been testing him to see how he responds to various issues we've had before.  so far, ok.  so, slow it goes, and we'll see. 

love and hugs too you all.

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Elphanigh

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #222 on: July 20, 2018, 10:17:50 AM »
Glad you are going slow with this, but I also realize why you would want to see where it goes. I am hopeful and optimistic too  :hug: all the best my dear

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sanmagic7

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #223 on: July 20, 2018, 03:05:42 PM »
el and deep blue - thank you for that validation.  you always come thru in that way for me.

sceal, thanks for pointing that out.  and, kdke, for seconding that - personal growth.  kind of like the butterfly has to struggle to get out of the cocoon, only to return to it and repeat the process.  it sure can be as difficult as therapy at times.

and el, thanks for the optimism to hold my own up.  i think i'm gonna need it.

the emotion of fear kicked in today re: the mr.  there have been several past experiences where he has exploded at me because i said the wrong thing, interfered in his routine, or otherwise got in his way.  i don't want a relationship that contains fear, especially because of something i say.  that eggshell thing - been there, done that, don't want any more of it.

so, it will be a topic i'll have to bring up, but i'm debating on when a good time to do it is.  fear.  i'll have to think on this a bit more.  it's taken 6 days for this emotion to emerge, for me to recognize and feel it.  but for the alexithymia, i don't doubt it would've been at the fore of even contemplating getting back with him.

so, now it's here and i have to deal with it.  this will take some time and thought.  he has a pretty strict routine, but he's made it clear that he wants me to call him anytime.  if he's sleeping or busy, his phone is turned off, but he'll call me back when he can.  he doesn't always do email, so i've sent him emails (i don't have a cell phone for texting) that he haphazardly reads.

sometimes i feel better writing this stuff out, cuz i can get tongue-tied when trying to explain myself in these kinds of situations.  don't know exactly what i'll do, but it'll work out. 

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Deep Blue

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Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Reply #224 on: July 20, 2018, 03:45:31 PM »
San,
You are such an amazing person.  You do such a great job sorting out your feelings and writing them here.  I like to write stuff out before discussing them with people too.  Getting tongue tied is very familiar to me  :disappear:

In my experience, that fear emotion kicking in is worth some exploration.  What is your body trying to tell you? Maybe itís worth looking at?

Much love sweetie