I'm new here

[MyWholeLife]

Years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, and I didn't believe it. After finding out that both my Dad, and Sister were narcissists it took me two years to find out I have CPTSD, not PTSD. My Dad was also an alcoholic. He was very abusive, verbally, and physically. My sister was his golden child, and I was his scapegoat. I grew up listening to my Dad screaming at my Mom, and sometimes beating her up. After I got so old it was my turn. My Dad died in 2008, and my sister committed suicide in October 2017. In stead of feeling relief that they can no longer harm me, I feel guilt. It's time to heal. I'm 61, and have had a horrible life because I could never let go of the childhood trauma.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum 

[Dee]

Welcome.  It's never too late to deal with things.  I once read an article about sisters who were in their 80s and was awarded money for childhood abuse.  One of them said I may only have a few years left, but they are going to be the best years of my life.  They had never dealt with the abuse until their late 70s.

Also, that is a recent death, it's hard to deal with any death yet alone the death of someone who have such mixed feelings about.

[Kizzie]

HI and a very warm welcome to OOTS MyWHoleLife.  There are a lot of members here, I'd say the majority actually who are in their later years.  CPTSD wasn't well know until recently so it makes sense that most of us had no idea what was going on with us.  I thought I was broken or crazy for most of my life and took great pains to hide it.  I feel apart in my fifties because as you suggested I could not let go of my childhood trauma, but I'm trying to here. I love what Dee wrote about the two sisters, going to tuck that away in my "Great Reasons to Keep Moving Forward" file   

Talking about the death of your F and S may be a place to start or if that's too much, maybe post about how you think your CPTSD came to be.  I think you'll find there are some very empathetic people here who have been through a lot themselves and understand what you are going through.